


Gehenna

by MagiFox_77, Useless_girl



Category: Slipknot (Band)
Genre: Cutting, Dark, Dom/sub, Drama, Hardcore BDSM, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Slash, Past Threesome, Romance, S&M, Slash, Suicidal Tendencies, drug and alcohol abuse, emotional drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-10-11 18:06:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 81,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10470942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagiFox_77/pseuds/MagiFox_77, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Useless_girl/pseuds/Useless_girl
Summary: After a great loss in Slipknot’s life all the band members are going through a very rough time. This story follows how they – but most of all Corey and Jim – are trying to find their way in their lives after such a dark event. In the end will they be able to find comfort and peace in each other?





	1. Chapter 1

**Note:** Originally this story was our very first one in the Slipknot fandom, but it had to wait to be published for a while as we focused on other stories first and because this is a heavy and dark piece to digest. Either way it’s also one of my personal favorites.

**Note 2:** This is more or less an Alternate Universe (AU) fanfiction because we don’t follow the dates so strictly and left people out from the boys’ life. We’d also like to emphasize that we wrote this with all the love and respect for the amazing Paul in our minds.

**Note 3:** The quotations are from Slipknot’s “[Gehenna](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0OtECE1Os4)” and Stone Sour’s “[Sadist](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83fG-46PkRU)”.

**About Gehenna:** Gehenna in occult mythology is the gathering place of the souls after they died. One's soul will stay there until it cleanses from the previous life's burden and mistakes to revive again on a higher level back on Earth. Until the soul cannot purify the past life's events, it’ll keep haunting it until it gets over it and learns from it before closing that life off. Until then it will burn in Gehenna.

**Fandom/characters/rating/category:** Slipknot, Corey Taylor/Jim Root, Paul Gray/Corey Taylor/Jim Root (mentioned), other members of Slipknot, Cristina Scabbia, R, slash, M/M, past threesome, emotional drama, romance, hurt/comfort, dark, suicidal tendencies, cutting, drug and alcohol abuse, Dom/sub, S &M, hardcore BDSM.

**Summary:** After a great loss in Slipknot’s life all the band members are going through a very rough time. This story follows how they – but most of all Corey and Jim – are trying to find their way in their lives after such a dark event. In the end will they be able to find comfort and peace in each other?

**Disclaimer:** This is a product of our imagination and was written only for entertainment and fun. We don’t profit from this fanfiction and we mean no harm or disrespect against any real person, culture or custom that might appear in the story.

  
[Full-sized illustration](http://orig10.deviantart.net/8979/f/2017/086/6/0/gehenna_by_useless_girl-db3qln1.jpg) by Useless-girl  


**Gehenna  
** _By S.M.A. & Useless-girl_

**Chapter 1**

_“Do you believe? Do you fade like a dream?_  
_Let me hear you BREATHE_  
 _Let me watch as you sleep…”_

This was probably the hardest thing any of them had to do during their career.

Yesterday they’d lost one of their brothers. None of them could really comprehend it yet because it was so fucking unexpected. It was going to take some time to sink in that Paul wasn’t with them anymore. It was a horrible loss on so many levels. Not just for the band and the fans, but for them as a group of people who considered each other more as brothers than close friends.

Every one of them was fighting with their tears during the conference while the journalists and reporters were – for a change – sitting quietly without shouting their questions. Only the blinding flashes of the cameras went off every now and then. Not that they would notice it or care about it. Fuck them. Fuck the world!

The heavy and fucking ugly monster of grief was sitting on all of their shoulders as they were sitting behind that long table, reminiscing and thanking Paul for making their lives better. It was unbelievable that he wasn’t going to lighten the mood with his laughter or awesome hugs anymore. He was a truly amazing person despite all his flaws. No one is perfect, of course, but all in all, he was one of the best dudes they’ve ever met. Facing death and the fact how fleeting human lives are is never easy, but an untimely death like Paul’s was always harder on everyone.

It was even harder on some people. Like on Corey.

Jim leaned back in his chair and glimpsed at their singer as he was struggling with his words when he was trying to talk. His voice failed him a few times and his deep pain was rolling off him in suffocating waves. Jim – and probably everyone else – could clearly feel it. The difference was that the guitarist knew the exact reason why Paul’s death affected Corey so much more.

He was sure all of them wanted this fucking press conference to end as soon as possible. Jim himself was counting back the minutes. He couldn’t even say anything into that bloody microphone. The others told everything he thought and felt anyway. All he wanted to do was leave this damned room and coop up in his practice room with his guitar and a few bottles of Jack or something strong. He wanted to play, drink, cry or just stare into nothing while trying to comprehend what’d happened.

He was hurting just as much as the others, but probably not as much as Corey. Corey, who was always so strong and confident-looking on the outside, goofing around like a big kid or spreading his wise words, trying to teach, to help those who took the effort to look behind his words. Very few knew that on the inside he was very emotional and sensitive. The first time he faced that fact Jim was surprised about it too. He’d realized that Corey had a soft side back in the ‘90s when he’d first joined Stone Sour. Until then he got used to Corey’s harder side, which was like a nuclear reactor set loose on stage. But with Stone Sour Corey became nearly a completely different person.

Of course this band was very different from Slipknot. Not just musically but the topics and lyrics of the songs too. Not that the Slipknot songs lacked depth, but the Stone Sour ones were less frantic, less angry – at least in the performance. They were songs with deeply soul-searching lyrics, freer than in their other band, because here they could draw inspiration from whatever they wanted to. As Jim saw it, Corey poured all his frustrations, disappointments, hopes, failures and self-hatred into them on a different level. With Stone Sour they weren’t raging demons on stage. This stuff was heavy too, but despite that they could smile a lot on stage. It was less physically and mentally exhausting to write, record and perform these songs.

Somehow – after the first shock – Jim started to like this more sensitive side of Corey. He liked to spend most of his days close to the singer. Not just trying to figure out some guitar riffs, bridges or whatever to the songs, but just being around him, watching Corey work on the lyrics or the sound of a song. He clearly wanted them to be perfect and couldn’t rest until he was more or less satisfied with the result. The “Mad Genius”. That’s how people started calling Corey. It was true. Jim rarely had seen him not doing something or being on the move.

It’s as if Corey couldn’t stop. The guitarist had no idea from where that seemingly unlimited energy was coming from. Okay, well, he had an idea, but that was beside the point. So seeing Corey so… frozen and motionless was more than disturbing to Jim. And he wasn’t talking about physical motionlessness. No, Corey was moving in his seat, communicating and all. It was a kind of motionlessness that affected his very core. Only people close enough to the singer could see it. Like Jim.

Corey looked completely… broken. But what would someone expect after loosing his best friend, lover and soulmate?

It made Jim’s protectiveness – which Corey had triggered not long after showing his more sensitive side in Stone Sour – kick into full gear. But Jim wasn’t sure what was going to happen to the two of them. Would Corey push him away too in his grief? Or would he let Jim offer as much comfort as he could give him? Probably time would tell, right?

The last of these thoughts ran through the guitarist’s head while walking off the stage once the press conference was over. He pushed a cigarette between his lips and lit it as soon as they were outside and done with the multiply hugs and quiet comments. He himself felt frozen and kind of empty too. The shock probably didn’t wear off yet. He needed some fresh air, so he found his way out of the building, puffing smoke into the air as he looked up at the sky, squinting behind his glasses because of the bright sunlight.

What a fucked up day – and situation.

 ***

Four days. It's been four long painfully silent days since Paul had died and Corey vanished from the face of Earth. The other members were keeping in touch and keeping each other on the surface in the numbing pain.

No matter how many times Jim tried to call the singer, the line was dead. Corey isolated himself in the old van no one really knew about. It was their hideout. His and Paul's. Ever since they where teens they had their secret life in that old van. Sometimes there were girls or in Corey’s case other boys, but it was always their sanctuary.

And now, looking over the surprisingly neat interior he felt it so cold and empty. Even so, he just couldn't get out. He did of course for more bottles of booze and some crap to eat, but for the last four days Corey has been deeply basking in the pain that didn't seem to ease. He was cold and numb. The first day's heartbroken tears were nowhere. The bottles were piling up as anyone could see through the London fog-like smoke that settled thickly inside. The bed sheets were all messed up, soaked with his blood as the broken man gave into his demons again and again in the past days. He just couldn't see a way out. It was more than pain, something much deeper and dangerous was eating him up fast.

Little did he know that their secret was not safe from Jim.

The last four days was torture for everyone – as it was expected while trying to deal with this shitty situation. After the first shock – and the night spent drinking and smoking himself silly until he passed out, Jim tried to keep in touch with the others to stop himself from falling into the deep dark abyss on which’s edge he felt he was standing on unsteady legs. He realized that someone had to keep the band together. That role fell on Jim and Shawn. Some of them got together or just talked on the phone. Those conversations were fucking hard too and at times, no matter how he seemed like one of the most balanced of their group on the outside, even Jim thought he couldn’t take it anymore.

Strangely what gave him strength was that he had to find Corey. It drove him to not give up and completely fall apart. He was scared and worried shitless, of course, but he kinda expected for their singer to vanish as if the Earth had swallowed him in whole. He probably wished that for himself so that he could be with Paul again. And that’s what really worried Jim. He knew about Corey’s previous suicide attempts and he hoped that it wouldn’t get to that again. He hoped that he’d find him before Corey did something really stupid.

He kept calling his friend, but Jim wasn’t surprised that he never picked it up. It took him nearly two days and a lot of favors from several people to track down Corey’s whereabouts. He didn’t even want to think about what people would’ve thought about his methods, but he didn’t really care either. What mattered was that he was now nearing to a van parked in a less frequented – some would say dangerous – part of town. Jim hoped as fuck that this was the right one, because getting gutted by some drug dealer or psycho for interrupting their day wasn’t on top of his list…

The only sign of life from the van was the discreetly seeping smoke that clearly came from some good weed. Sighing Jim took the last drag from his cigarette and flicked the butt into a nearby puddle. Looking around one more time Jim concluded that this was definitely the kind of neighborhood to get shitfaced and lost in one’s sorrow. Shaking his head he ran his hand through his wavy hair then tried the handle. It was locked.

“Shit…” he cursed under his nose then started banging on the door, wishing as hell that he wasn’t too late. “Corey! Corey, you in there? It’s me, Jim. Open up, man! Corey!”

_Someone is banging on the door. What. The. Fuck. He is not even home..._ Corey thought in his foggy mind as he moved his sweat-covered face towards the sound that came to him muffled through all the shit in his system. They will fuck off. He couldn't be bothered.

The crimson trails zigzagging over his pulled up leg as he was sitting with his back towards the van's wall, as they hurried to get out of the way of the pieces of red hair on his thigh was mesmerizing. He was totally out. Not just being drunk and doped, but his wrecked brain has already swallowed up his being and dragged him away from reality. 

It cannot be true. It didn't happen. Paul left him alone. How can it be real??? The pain was real. And the blood. He didn't even realize Jim has found the side door and was practically tearing it open.

Jim waited for a minute or two but no answer came no matter how loud he was banging on the door. This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all! As worry gripped his heart tighter, making it harder for him to breathe, he started sizing up the van that looked similar to a mobile home now that he took a better look at it. There had to be a way in, but he had no doubt that he’d tear the door off its hinges if he had to. A few broken bones or strained muscles were nothing compared to losing another friend. And that was a big thing to say from a guitarist whose everything was his hands.

Quickly walking around the van Jim soon found another entrance and as he was fighting to keep calm and stop the panic from taking over his mind, he practically tore the side-door open. Luckily it wasn’t locked and in the next moment he was inside, inhaling the stuffy air that was more smoke than air. Waving with his hand in front of his face he strained his eyes to see better in the half-lit interior. It wasn’t easy and he stumbled a few times, kicking empty bottles and whatnot along the way, but his focus was on finding one messed up man.

When he did, the sight wasn’t pretty. It was shocking even to him. He’d seen some shitty things in his life, but this definitely topped it all. “Holy fucking shit…” he hissed as he neared his friend and knelt down next to him. “Corey…” he murmured much softer than he thought he would as his hand cradled the sweaty face to check on his eyes, for now ignoring the bleeding and nearly flayed thigh. “Hey man, can you hear me? It’s me, Jim. You with me?”

“Jimmy...?” the singer mumbled as his blurry vision focused on the figure moving his face. His heart sped up and the razor dropped from between his fingers. The pain from his chest ripped through him with a brand new force and curled his shaking body into a ball. Head down and roaring from the depths of his soul, making a sound as he was choking on his own blood, leaving his savior in utter shock. At least he was feeling again....

_Shitshitshit…_ Jim thought as he tried to keep his cool. He wrapped an arm around Corey’s curled up body, moving him so that he wouldn’t actually choke on his blood. There was so much blood. Like a fucking slaughterhouse... Help, they needed help… That thought put Jim’s mind back on track and with his other hand he fished out his cell from his jeans’ pocket. He hit speed dial to call the only person who could help them at the moment. Luckily he picked up on the third ring while Jim was keeping Corey’s airwaves clear and his body locked in that position so that he couldn’t hurt himself more.

“Shawn, I need your help fucking fast! I found Corey. He is in a _very_ bad shape. Maybe even skirting on the edge of catatonic. Bring all your med stuff. We have to move him,” he rushed through his words, not caring if he made sense or not. The urge to help and protect Corey was stronger than ever, cutting into his very being as if his own life depended on it. He quickly gave Shawn the address and then prayed that he’d get there quickly enough.

“I’m here, Corey. We’ll get through this. I promise. I’m here, man. I’m here…” he kept mumbling as he was holding the singer, not caring about the blood or anything else.

It was all darkness. Corey couldn't see anything else as his conscience started to leave him. He felt the taller man curving over him and it made his raw screams turn into sobbing whimpering. He felt so tired. The last days of drinking and blood-loss and mental struggle with his sanity caught up with him as he fainted while Clown arrived and the two bigger men moved him around. He gave into the darkness with a sigh. Rest. Nothingness. Finally.

It felt like ages until Shawn got there. Jim saw and felt when Corey finally fainted, but at least he was breathing steadily and wasn’t choking anymore. He exchanged a look with the other worried man then he let Shawn take a look at Corey’s injuries. He did everything he could to keep the wounds from getting worse during the transportation then he helped Jim carry the unconscious man out of that shithole.

In Shawn’s SUV Jim slid under the otherwise lying singer’s body so he could keep him upright at least half-way. It not just made it easier for Corey to breathe but it gave Jim the opportunity to hold him close while Shawn was navigating through traffic on their way to his place which they deemed to be the safest to go. But sitting with Corey like that was something Jim simply had to… needed to do after how he’d found him. Time after time he felt Shawn’s worried glimpses through the rearview mirror. He was probably checking not just on their friend but on Jim too. Maybe he was right, maybe Jim was going into shock too. But who could blame him after this?

He ignored everything else and just kept his eyes glued to Corey’s worn out face, his arm hugging him protectively while one big hand was stroking the short red hair until they got to Shawn’s place and they managed to take Corey to one of the guest rooms. Jim followed every instruction to help Shawn the best he could then he let the more experienced man take care of their singer.

As Jim was standing there in his bloody clothes next to the bed where Corey’s cuts were being cleaned and some stitched together, he felt helpless. Although they probably saved his life, Jim still felt as if he didn’t give enough. Or that he wasn’t enough. Just like before…

 ***

Light. The orange shine of the setting sun coming through the half-closed curtains. That was the first sense of thought or feeling after the emptiness where he was for seemingly ages. _The sun is dying for today._ There... A whole full sentence for a thought. The smell of sterilizer in the air and on his body. Stretching painful stitches on his upper thigh. Clown's ugly brown wallpaper. Corey Taylor was getting slowly back into the earthly life as his surroundings reached his senses. 

He went to the van. And lost it. Jim was there. Probably he and Shawn got him out of there. From whatever state he was in. Probably a not so pretty one. He sighed closing his eyes again. 

_Jim_... His hand moved to his chest unwillingly and grabbed the sheet strongly. As if he had to hold on to something there to keep it. Or keep it deep inside before it gets free and overtakes him. Just as the room started to spin he heard the door open and Clown came in with a worried look over his glasses.

“Good, you're awake. Stay in bed till tomorrow, man. You are safe here. Take these,” Shawn offered two pills to him and helped his head up as he drank and mumbled out a weak sorry.

“We love you, kid. Just rest now and heal,” the other told him softly with deep worry in his voice and peeked quickly at the wounds before leaving Corey alone to rest. Or to be with his thoughts. 

Yeah, he will rest and will heal up too in no time. But how will he face these guys after this…? And Jim... What are they now anyway... They were lovers before Pauly died. It all started ‘cause of Paul. Or at least the physical part of it, because before that Jim had issues with a gay public relationship in front of his parents. But Corey wanted Paul jealous, wanted to be angry at him, to feel really wanted by the big guy. But Jim became much more. And now...? The weakened man felt his thoughts drift back to where they’d started with the tall guitarist. After the first bigger gig Stone Sour had. Backstage in their shared dressing room. They were way too overwhelmed and started to drink some. He just had to tease him... And they couldn’t hold back anymore…

 ***

After Corey was taken care of by Shawn, they left the room, a supporting hand of his friend on Jim’s shoulder led him out of the now dark room. Jim didn’t protest. He couldn’t remember what they talked about afterwards. All that stuck in his fried brain was that Corey would be okay, that he just needed some much needed mental and physical rest.

Then Shawn pushed some clothes into Jim’s hand and sent him to take a shower and toss the bloody clothes wherever. That’s exactly what Jim did. His moves were automatic as he stripped and scrubbed his body down. While getting dressed water was dripping from his beard and long hair. He was standing barefooted in the bathroom as he tied the drawstrings of the slightly short black tracksuit and the surprisingly loose white wife-beater Shawn gave him.

He looked like hell and he really fucking needed a drink or two. Luckily Shawn was a step ahead of him and pointed towards the fridge before retreating for the night. That gave Jim room to take a six-pack of beer to the living room’s couch where he set up base with his pack of cigarette. He put on some shitty channel on the TV just to have some background noise aside from his rattling thoughts that kept running in circles, always going back to Corey.

What was it in this guy? That was the million dollar question and Jim laughed bitterly as he cracked a beer open and downed more than half of it, holding his burning cigarette in his other hand. Leaning back on the couch he looked up at the ceiling and thought back on how everything had really started between him and the singer.

That damned backstage room after the Stone Sour gig and that teasing bastard… whom Jim could never hate, no matter what he did. Fuck… why was he even thinking about that in such a situation? Paul was dead and he just literally scraped Corey off the floor. Jim should get shitfaced or pass out. Or both. Probably both would solve his problem. For now.

Yet the pictures of that teasing “kid” kept coming back, no matter how fast he was drinking his beers.

Jim got so close to Corey as they worked a lot on the Stone Sour songs. Somehow they had a basic understanding between them that had drawn them towards each other from the very start. He even knew about how the singer and Paul were. And yet Corey had to make a move to try and manipulate Pauly. He always wanted more. More love and care. Rougher sex and more raw passion. He was such a fool. And now he lost his soulmate. And he had no idea what to do with the feelings he had for Jim.

That gig. It was their first bigger success. They were high on the feelings and before that day Corey already was flirting with the tall guitarist whenever he could. Mostly in front of Paul. But to his surprise he found his match in Jim who returned his antics with natural ease. And the "joking" touches and hints started to turn on Corey more and more.

There, in the dressing room, only with a loose towel around his body he had to move closer to Jim. Double-talking all day had its effect on them. He hugged the taller man's neck, sliding close to his lean sweaty body, smiling mischievously. And Jim wrapped his long arms around him and leaned down to kiss his lips.

They both knew that the teasing that has been going on between them would sooner or later lead to that kiss and despite knowing how Corey and Paul were, Jim didn’t think in that moment just let their lips touch. His arms tightened around the much smaller body as if to make sure that the moment was real. Corey tasted real. Musky, raw, hot and very much like Jim had imagined. If not better.

He’s been on edge all day and not just because of the gig. Corey’s been friskier than ever. Or maybe they were just finally getting to the point where one of them had to make their move. Jim was trying to respect his friends’ relationship, although they never really talked about it. He just knew. It was kinda an open secret in the group. Jim never addressed it that was for sure. He didn’t know about the others. But he had eyes: he’d noticed the hints, the subtle touches and looks, the teasing and joking. From these he himself has been getting quite a lot lately and he couldn’t stop himself from shooting back just as good. It was fun being around Corey, just fooling around and pulling his leg right back. The whole thing just seemed to accelerate and without really thinking into Corey’s motives, Jim simply went with the flow, living in the moment.

His tongue in the other man’s mouth was surprisingly arousing. Not that it was the first time someone from his own sex would make him react. But he didn’t expect his body to do it so instantly only from such a simple yet intense physical contact. Their kiss was far from the slow romantic kind. It was rough and demanding, wiping out every coherent thought from their minds.

Jim had no idea how he’d ended up pushing Corey down on the worn out couch in one of the corners, but there he was. His much bigger body covering the singer’s as they were moving purely on instincts. Giving and taking. Teeth clashing, hands grabbing, nails scratching skin and hair and groins rubbing together in a burning urgency.

That first time was something perfect and raw. The kind of action that comes from sudden instinct and leaves a memory for a lifetime and a longing after that rush of passion it was made of, wiping away everything else. They had sex right then and there. But it was much more, even if neither of them wanted to admit it.

They never talked about it. Both of them were living in the moment and even if they continued like before, more and more times the flirting and joking ended up in hot raw lovemaking. It was not just sex and Corey was afraid of what has been awaking – or maybe deepening – inside him toward Jim.

Jim expected things to become more complicated or awkward between them afterwards. Okay, there was a little bit of awkwardness at first but they quickly got over that and the joking and teasing continued. As well as this new arrangement. Though they never talked about it and Jim never asked Corey about Paul or their relationship either. After all he more or less had Cristina too, but she was more like a friend. It was maybe something… special between Corey and Jim, but the guitarist also refused to examine it from closer, because as time was passing, he got kinda afraid to see what he’d find there.

Sighing, the present Jim crushed the last beer can in his hand and tossed it on the coffee table next to the others. Fighting with the lighter a bit to light the cigarette hanging from the corner of his lips, he cursed under his breath then took a triumphant drag, enjoying the burning of the smoke in his lungs. Dropping his buzzing head on the back of the couch again he exhaled the smoke and watched it curling towards the ceiling before it dissolved in the air.

Of course he was aware of the fact that Corey was using him to sometimes make Paul jealous, but Jim figured it came with the package. Besides touring was a different kind of animal. They were living in each other’s pockets while being on the road with Stone Sour and afterwards they went their separate ways for a while before meeting again. So Jim didn’t care. Or rather, he wanted to be at least a little bit selfish. Just for once. He left the rest for Corey to deal with.

Inside the guest room the messed up singer dozed off fast from the strong meds, waking up at early dawn feeling as if he just closed his eyes for a second. His head was spinning and his bladder was urging him to move. Which was not so easy. The stitched up skin was stiff and hardened on his thigh, making the smallest move painful, and leaving him with the feeling like there’s been a few inches cut off from his right leg. So his hissing-growling-stumbling was anything but decent or quiet. Especially when the sight of the passed out guitarist on the couch in the living room made him bump hard into a table by the wall, causing some painful curses to escape him.

Jim didn’t know when he managed to pass out from the additional beers he’d consumed after the first six. He had a restless drunken sleep filled with disturbing pictures mixed with the happenings of the recent days, his grief, the past and some idiotic nonsense his exhausted brain cooked up just to fuck with his “rest”. One moment he was watching some idiotic shit on TV, the next he was out cold.

What made him slightly jump on the couch where he was half-lying, half-sitting was a loud noise and not so muted curses. Looking towards the source of it he quickly forgot about feeling sleepy and like shit and he scrambled to his feet. Thank god he was mostly sober by then.

“Hey man, don’t force it. Lemme help you,” Jim grumbled flicking his messy hair out of his face as he was walking towards Corey, but he didn’t meet his eyes yet since he was checking if the bandage was bled through or not. It wasn’t yet so he quickly slid the singer’s right arm over his shoulder and took most of his weight off the injured leg as he helped him towards the bathroom.

While Corey took care of his business, Jim washed his face, running his wet fingers through his hair then toweled off while waiting for Corey to finish. “Coffee?” he turned around to meet his eyes. There was nothing in his gaze that would’ve blamed Corey for what he’d done.

“Yeah… Coffee sounds great... And... Thank you,” the singer mumbled avoiding the gaze of the taller man and started to hop towards the door to get said coffee. It was just too much now being so close to Jim while feeling so vulnerable.

“You’re welcome…” the guitarist murmured while watching his friend hopping out of the bathroom. Sometimes he could read Corey better than anyone. Other times he had no idea what was going on in his restless mind. Now Jim was kinda in the middle. He understood that Corey probably needed some space, so he gave him a head start. But on the other hand he was wondering what exactly he might be thinking.

Either way Jim stayed silent as he tossed the used towel onto the counter and followed him. He wanted to tell Corey to get back into bed or put his ass down somewhere to rest, but the short man could be one stubborn asshole at times so he let him be, seeing that the hopping was going better now and that the singer probably wasn’t going to fall.

Jim got lost in his own thoughts while making a lot of coffee and also preparing some scrambled eggs and toast for three (thinking of Shawn who might later eat too). The house was silent aside from the sounds Jim was making while working. The familiar moves were kinda grounding for him in a situation where he had no idea what to expect.

Corey just sat there at the table cradling his coffee mug, glimpsing from time to time at the tall man working. They both remained silent even when Jim placed the plate full of food in front of him and sat opposite him. The tension was growing. And they could both breathe it in more and more. He just had to spit out the question he knew none of them dared to think of in the last few days. Since they’d lost Paul. 

“Jim.... What now?”

The guitarist didn’t expect Corey to talk, or at least not so soon, so he had to pause for a second with his empty fork in his hand, the smell of food filling his nose. It was nice but he wasn’t really hungry, although they both had to eat. He swore to himself he’d force it down Corey’s throat if needed.

Looking up Jim didn’t answer until their eyes finally met for the first time since Corey woke up. “Now we eat.” Of course he knew this wasn’t what Corey meant, but ‘one step at a time’ as they say. His voice was calm and quiet, but there was a kind of authority in it that didn’t leave room for any objections. They can talk afterwards. To emphasize his point he stabbed his scrambled egg and started eating.

Corey saw the clear stubbornness in the pair of tired eyes, so he just nodded and started to eat as well.

What will they all do now? The tour dates were booked. But Paul was gone. Not like the places where they should appear, or not like the record company wouldn't sue them without a second thought. He knew the music business too well by then to have illusions about that. What will be with Jim and him? Stone Sour... Right now he couldn't even bear the thought of holding a microphone without Pauly being there saying his opinion.

All the thoughts started to catch up on him and grip his throat and heart strong, making his whole body beginning with the nervous shaking again as he was just staring at the plate with a mouthful of food he couldn't swallow.

Needless to say Jim kept glimpsing up from his food and coffee to check on Corey and with each time the singer looked worse. He’d seen this expression on him before. He was letting his worries and panic taking over. Jim had to somehow put a halt to that.

Pushing the remnants of his food aside he reached into the pocket of his borrowed tracksuit and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and his lighter. Presenting a joint he lit it up and took a deep drag before offering it to his friend.

“We’ll figure it out, Corey. I promise,” he said after exhaling the smoke. “After a little time we’ll sit down with the guys and talk things over. The rest of the world can fuck off. We’ve got each other’s backs. Always will.”

Taking a deep drag from the joint like it was water in the Sahara, Corey just nodded. He wanted to believe Jim. He still couldn't fully though. The fact that his old alcohol issues escalated in the past days didn’t help on his mind and nerves at all. He rather just kept quiet, hoping Jim wouldn't near the topic of the personal side of the two of them or him and Paul.

There was a pause in the conversation while they finished off the smoke. Jim could see the signs. Corey’s hands were trembling and he thought he saw that certain look in his eyes he was familiar with from the past. “It’s always hard to lose someone so close to the heart. Especially someone as close as Paul was to you,” the guitarist finally said leaning back in his chair.

“But I’m here for you, Corey. I mean it…” he emphasized then paused for a moment, his eyes drifting down to the singer’s trembling hands. Alcohol withdrawal symptoms. “I can help with that too. I know Paul helped you in the past,” he nodded towards said hands then stroked his beard absently. The pot was good stuff and made his thoughts run fast yet drag sluggishly. A paradox he could never understand but didn’t really care either. The offer was on the table. It was up to Corey if he took it or not. Jim would probably find a way to help him anyway. He wasn’t the kind of man who’d leave a friend in trouble.

The singer’s mind was speeding up still with all the thoughts triggered by Jim. Looking down at his hands he felt ashamed. Not because of his friend seeing him like that, more like in front of his own self, and the memory of Paul. He was relapsing fast and hard. Paul wasn't working with him so much for this. And yet he wasn't there for his lover and friend when he was getting worse again.

“Thanks, man. I just don't know how to handle this all. As you can see. And have no idea how to go on with the bands and all now,” he said avoiding the taller man's eyes and the topic about their personal relationship. “What did the others say? And the management?”

“The others are still shocked and devastated. This is a huge blow for all of us too. We’re trying to hang on as we can. For a change the management isn’t an ass about this, but soon they’ll need an answer about what we want to do. We have time to figure it out though. Together with the others. No one is alone in this. We need to talk this out,” Jim sighed. “The management will have to wait as long as they have to. What we need now is time to process this as much as possible… It’s still too fresh to make any decisions,” he ruffled up his hair while closing his eyes for a long moment.

“You don’t have to decide about anything, Corey. Not now. This is the time to mourn. Just… don’t make me find you in a state like I did yesterday, okay?” he reached over the table and put his big hand on Corey’s wrist. “I was scared shitless, man. I can stick around you for a while. You can hang out at my place, if you want. I… don’t want to lose you too,” his voice failed him at the end and he had to swallow hard and look away to get his emotions under control, but he left his hand where it was. This was the first time since yesterday that the cracks caused by the recent events were showing on him. For some he might come off as a calm rock at the raging sea, but life has been leaving his marks on Jim too.

Corey had to swallow also feeling and seeing the seemingly always calm and collected guitarist this way. The guilt that already was eating him up for Paul got stronger now because of Jim too. He really was just messing up everything more and more.

“I'm sorry, man. I lost track and couldn't find my way back. Thank you for coming after me,” he said placing his one hand over Jim's on his wrist, swallowing hard to keep his voice in order but his tears already blurred his blue eyes. “It would be good if you could stay with me a little,” he added silently and in fear even from himself as he looked up at Jim. “Can you help me back to bed, please?”

“It’s cool, man,” he shrugged with the hint of the faintest (and saddest) smile on his face as he looked at Corey’s smaller hand resting on his. It felt good. Not because of their history together, but because some comforting never hurt anyone. He knew that he had to stay stronger than ever if he was going to help Corey. That was something Jim’d decided right then and there. He was going to help the singer, no matter what. Lightly nodding to himself he looked up at his friend, seeing the unshed tears in the saddest eyes he’d ever seen. Another thing was left unsaid: that Jim would always go after Corey. Maybe he could read that from his eyes, maybe not. It was true, nonetheless.

“I’ll stay as long as you need me,” he added already standing up to go around the table. “Yeah, come on. You need to rest up that leg. Once in bed I’ll clean it up. Shawn had shown me how to do it.”

With that the tall man bent down to slide Corey’s arm around his shoulder and his own around the other’s waist to help him up and once again take most of his weight off the injured leg. They could get to the bedroom relatively quickly this way. There Jim helped Corey sit down then he sat on the edge of the bed, all the medical stuff in arm’s reach. He was working on the wounds quietly and as gently as he could. The pot was a bit still working in his system, and while thinking that some of the cuts would probably scar, it was projecting scary pictures in his mind about finding Corey in a much worse condition. (What a shitty trip, huh?) He could only hope none of those scenarios would ever come true… But he was going to try his best not to let them.

Once he was finished and changed the bandage too, he threw everything in the trash and washed his hands before padding back barefooted and determined to the bed. He didn’t ask permission or Corey’s opinion, he simply slid in on the other side and put an arm around his friend. They were close to each other (and had a history) and he was hoping that simply his silent presence would be at least a bit comforting to Corey.

After the first tense reaction it all felt good. Jim’s closeness and warmth made those piled up tears escape and it all left him in a silent shaking sob as he soon drifted into a restless sleep. In his dream he was standing on stage in the middle of a show with Slipknot then suddenly Paul vanished. Then Jim too. His voice also went mute and his panic was unbearable. The stage and everything fell apart and buried him making him choke on his tears. Everything was lost.

 ***

Jim wasn’t sleeping now. He was trying to guard Corey’s restless sleep once he cried himself into it. It was pure torture to see him suffering so much, but at the same time he knew it was good that the singer was starting to get some of it out of his system by crying and showing some of his pain too. But it didn’t make the guitarist’s heart ache less each time Corey started tossing, whining or crying in his sleep.

It only encouraged his protector to try finding possible ways to help on him. So after he managed to calm his friend down with some deep murmuring and caressing his back, he started racking his brain.

Music. Sticking around. Staying physically close. Maybe later meeting up with the guys or some close friends who can understand what they’re going through… These might all help…

As he looked down at the bandage on Corey’s thigh, another injury popped up from his memory. Marks caused by ropes on Corey’s wrists or bruises on different parts of his body. Jim remembered how shocked he was when he first saw them. Not that anything could be read from his poker face, but on the inside he got worried about the then long-haired singer.

By then he knew about him and Paul and knowing how their bassist was on and off drugs, the protective strike got stronger in Jim. Was Corey in danger? Was Paul hurting him while high and Corey didn’t dare to say anything about it? Jim had heard enough stories about domestic abuse within a relationship. How the abused half had no idea about being in one of those relationships until it was too late. Jim didn’t want to witness the “too late” stage in Corey’s case so he’d decided to investigate the matter first. After all, accusing his dear friend with hurting another without having hard evidence would be a very stupid idea.

One time the perfect opportunity presented itself. They were in a hotel somewhere he couldn’t even remember and all the guys gathered in Corey’s room for an after party. Needless to say there was lots of booze, pot and girls. Most of the guys got shitfaced and took some chicks to their rooms, but Jim wasn’t in the mood. He drank his fair share but he just had a nice buzz going on. After the party he managed to sneak back, but what he witnessed through the other room’s door that was left ajar, was something he didn’t expect.

Corey was kneeling before Paul, his belt tight over his thick neck, his hands held behind his back, the blue eyes shining with honest adoration as he looked up at the almost black ones of Paul, who pulled roughly on the "leash" to get his pet closer to his body. Jim had heard of such things, in fact the BDSM world was very close to the lyrical world of the band. Still as he understood the motives of it, it was far from his own personality. (Or so he thought back then.) He felt mesmerized as he watched Corey moan low from the rough pull on his hair as he was guided to the bed to kneel and wait while the bassist took their clothes off.

Now that Jim knew the reason behind those injuries and realized that Corey wasn't in danger (because one just had to look at his blissed out face to realize that), he should've left. Sure, he liked it rough sometimes, but this wasn't really his kind of thing, but at the same time he was curious too and like always: open to learn about new things. So no matter how indecent it was, he stayed a little while longer to learn more about another side of his friends.

The eagerness to please Paul was rolling off Corey in thick waves as he was kneeling there naked, waiting for an order or a non-verbal gesture to know how he could do exactly that. Jim didn't even find it strange watching his friend nuzzle Paul's leg then groin when the permission was given to him. Nor the sight of burying his face in the latter to pleasure the other man until another hard jerk of the belt nearly choked Corey – which clearly gave him more pleasure than one would expect.

The tougher the handling was, the more and more aroused the small man got, as it was clearly visible. His long reddish hair curled more from his sweat, framing his flushed face. Jim thought he looked gorgeous. So eager like a happy puppy to please and get pleasure in return. And the way Paul was in perfect control and in sync with his needs amazed and turned on Jim more than he thought that such things ever would.

The guitarist doubted that he would ever be able to be so much in control and the fact that Paul could only added to his amazement although most of his attention was on Corey while watching them getting into it more and more. Yes, it turned his body on, but his mind somehow managed to stay quite clear despite the alcohol still sloshing around in his veins. He felt like a curious observer of a psychological experiment. He focused less on the sex part and more on how the boys affected each other with a few words, moves, looks or gestures.

He could understand the appeal of this lifestyle even if he didn’t fully understand why one would need to be treated like this and treat someone like this. But then again, he only knew the basic idea of BDSM. Either way he wasn’t judging his friends. If someone needed this then they needed it, he knew. And there was nothing wrong with that. Everyone had their thing. Apparently his friends had this. He was just kinda sorry that he… wouldn’t be able to give this to Corey. Apparently it was another so far unknown reason why Jim’s decision of not starting anything with him was right.

He left around the time Corey was being fucked through the mattress, and after taking care of his arousal in his own bed, Jim was staring into the darkness, his mind trying to process what he’d just learned.

He looked pretty much the same as now, but this time he had a broken Corey plastered against his side and clinging to him in his sleep as if Jim was his last hope. Would he be able to give this to the singer? Only one way to find out, right? Since there was very little he wouldn’t do for such a close… friend, he already knew that a lot of research was ahead of him, because the last thing he wanted was fucking this up. Things were fucked up enough already.

Corey woke up still clinging to Jim, half-lying on his chest. That fact made the singer's heart speed up in a tingling way. He was in deep shit. How could he do all this crap to these people who felt so close to him? He doesn’t deserve them at all. All his demons had their grips on his mind and soul again; the darkness he gained so much and held mostly in balance was still eating him, only now not as fast as during the days spent in the hideout-van. He should clear his mind and think over all this stuff. But his mind was shouting his guilt and worthlessness at him, which made him close up inside even more. He can't let Jim and Shawn worry more about him. He just cannot let them know and be pulled down by it to his own personal abyss.

He just wanted to stop thinking. Or rather existing. As he could always let the pressure out with writing and get it all out of his system through the songs, right then and there he just didn't even dare to think about anything at all. Just the heavy need to be numb lingered on.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

_“The Sparrow's Eyes... Promises shift into judgments  
I cannot deny that you were designed for my punishments…”_

Once Corey’s leg healed up well enough to move around easier and Shawn gave his blessing on it too, Jim took the singer to his place. His friend’s silence didn’t last only in the car drive, but it went on. He barely communicated with anyone and this general silence only added to Jim’s worries. Two days ago Jim drove home for a change of clothes and to get rid of all the booze in the house. He even prepared the closest guestroom to his own bedroom, but now he was unsure about what to do.

They just got inside and he locked the door behind him. But what should he say to Corey where to put his things they picked up during a quick stop at the singer’s place? Jim’s indecision was caused by the fact that during the few days they’d spent at Shawn’s he and Corey mostly slept in one bed. Maybe he’d like to stay close to Jim like that here too. It wouldn’t be a problem to Jim, but he had to leave that decision to Corey.

Instead of saying anything about it, Jim headed towards his music room/studio with one of Corey’s favorite acoustic guitars. “Make yourself at home, man. I’ll be right back,” he said, giving his friend a few minutes.

Sticking to his decision Corey stayed silent and just nodded staring after Jim and the guitar. He dropped his bag with his little stuff on the living room's floor with a big sigh looking around. He knew the place. Had stayed for a night or two before in this house, sometimes for jamming and working some tracks out, sometimes for personal pleasure. Looking at the open doors for a good four minutes, he pushed more open the one to Jim's bedroom and dragged his stuff to the foot of the bed. After all, he owed Jim that. And maybe Corey wasn't really ready to stay alone with himself during the long nights.

Returning from the music room Jim found Corey in the master bedroom. His eyes jumped to the bag resting by the foot of his bed. So he made his decision. Taking a deep breath the tall man exhaled slowly. The relieved feeling he felt from Corey’s choice surprised him a bit. It made breathing a bit easier for Jim. Shaking that feeling off, he focused on his friend again.

“I’m going to order some food for lunch and thought we could watch some movies today. Chinese sounds good?” he asked from the door while pulling his phone out of his jeans’ pocket to scroll down to the restaurant’s number.

“Yeah, fried pasta and some gung bao for me, please. What movies would you like?” the singer asked hoping for some of the horror collection of Jim's, or maybe some superhero movie. He stayed close to the other man till he ordered the food, and tried to keep it cool and easy. He has to at least pretend to be better.

Jim noticed that Corey stuck close to him, but he didn’t mind. He hoped that he just had to find a way to break the delicate tension between them. Which Jim hated as fuck. One of the things he liked most about Corey was that their friendship/relationship/whatever came mostly naturally and without much complication. Now the situation was understandably different, but it didn’t mean Jim had to like this change.

“I was thinking about re-watching the Iron Man movie, but I’m also up for the X-Men movies or whatever. Even Batman,” he flashed a little smile at Corey as he shrugged out of his leather jacket and tossed it in an armchair in the corner which already had some of his clothes on it. “You can choose whatever you want,” he added as he waved in the general direction of his DVD collection and the flat screen on the wall. “I’ll make a quick phone call meanwhile,” he said kicking off his shoes and socks too. Then he squeezed Corey’s shoulder encouragingly on his way to the other room.

“X-Men sounds good,” the singer nodded and went to the shelf to search for the DVD while Jim made some business calls. He had no idea how things would go. His friend was tense and worried. And he hated it. He should try to approach him like before... But from the thought of getting a tiny bit more personal and physical gave his guts a twist and his throat threatening to choke him as the memory of the soulmate he’d lost was aching inside his heart still very alive.

After quickly updating Shawn and Cristina who was touring with her band, Jim handled a very short call with their management too. By the time he was finished, the food arrived. Padding to the door barefooted he paid then got everything on trays along with some soda for the two of them and got back into the bedroom. Of course he had no idea about Corey’s inner turmoil. But at least he was eating again even if half the portion he usually did. Jim considered this little triumph progress too.

They were eating in silence while watching the movie until Jim popped his coke open and leaned back on the couch. “This was always one of my favorite ones not just because of the mutant powers but the social outcasts and injustice themes too,” he said on a light tone to break the awkward silence between them. Damn, this was harder than he thought it would be.

“Yeah, they are cool. I've heard they will make more and cover the whole story so far. Marvel’s really starting to build like... a fucking world in movies,” Corey said finally enthusiastic. He was the biggest geek in the band after all. The topic seemed to ease him up a bit at least.

“I’ve heard that too. I’ll be curious about the Wolverine origins story. It’s scheduled to come out next year. He’s a cool dude with a shitty past and some rough attitude. One of the most entertaining characters,” Jim relaxed a bit and took a drink from his coke before putting the can on the nightstand. Stretching out and crossing his long legs at the ankles Jim looked at his friend. “Which character would you give an own movie?”

“Nightcrawler,” he nodded without hesitation. “He is the total outcast and afraid of the humans and also has a very special power and even origin as he was more created than born. And maybe Mystique,” Corey even gave a little smile to Jim as he looked up at him. “You've heard of the Avengers movie?”

"True, Nightcrawler is an awesome character. I also love Mystique and how Magneto – good or bad decisions aside – lets her be herself on his side, you know," Jim nodded and smiled back at Corey. They were finally getting somewhere. "Nope. They gonna make a movie with them? That's gonna be pretty sick if they do. I'd love a movie for Rogue. Dunno. I kinda liked that chick from the beginning," he shrugged putting an arm behind his head as his eyes drifted back to the screen. "She's kinda cute with her crush on Wolverine."

“She kicks fucking ass!” Corey giggled leaning back too. “Yeah they’re fucking making movies from the Thor-Loki shit from the comics with Ultron and all. It will be dope, man!” he looked back at the screen too for a while before turning to Jim again. “You don't happen to have a beer at home, am I right?”

“Fuck, I love the Thor-Loki shit too. Asgard, mischief, Viking mythology and all that,” Jim hummed on his deep voice. “Maybe I should grow a fucking long beard some day,” he ran his fingers through his currently short one. “I’m excited about this whole comic book adaptation thing. There are some pretty sick and serious shit going on in some of the stories and it’s refreshing in the movie industry, I think,” he added then met Corey’s questioning look.

“Nope. No alcohol, man. I promised to help, remember?” he said with a calm smile to show Corey that all was good and he wasn’t pissed off or annoyed because of the question. “Come here,” he waved with his hand which wasn’t behind his head. It was an open invitation for some cuddling, because Jim had already noticed that often his closeness was enough to help Corey calm down. Besides he didn’t want this progress to go down the drain with his friend feeling bad about asking and closing off again.

“Sorry...” the singer muttered but moved close to the taller body and actually hugged Jim, laying his head on the other's chest, staying there just accepting the caring love Jim was giving him while watching the movie. “You would look fucking sick with a long Viking beard, though...”

 ***

After that in the following days things got a bit easier communication-wise. Jim continued keeping an eye on Corey, but he didn’t force his presence on him. He gave him space if he needed or stayed with him when the singer clearly couldn’t bear the thought of staying alone with his demons. Sometimes simply staying in the same room seemed to do the trick.

Other times – like that day – Jim told Corey where he was going to be in the house. He always left the doors open for him so that’s why the guitar tunes could be heard louder from the music room’s direction.

It was Jim practicing after tuning one of his precious girls. He wanted to steer Corey back towards music, because he knew it was the best outlet for a musician or singer when something was eating them up on the inside. And Corey had enough on his plate. But even if he didn’t come, Jim needed the practice too. Not that he’d forget anything. No, it was his way of processing things and expressing his emotions, and although he has been focused mostly on Corey lately, he had his own grieving to do. Besides Paul’s funeral was coming up too. Just the close family and friends. Jim had to make sure Corey could get through it in one piece. Maybe music would be enough of a mortar to keep the shaky foundation together.

Corey found himself fiddling on his guitar more and more as he seemed to start to find his sanctuary again in music. Although he tried his best to not think of the day ahead, he always found himself in tears, his thoughts drifting back to Paul. How could he face the Gray family now? A poor unborn girl left fatherless because of him being a greedy bitch. He should have let Paul go without any remarks. Not writing these fucking songs and keep getting back together with him as lovers. But Corey couldn't help it… His soul and heart was always aching for the big guy, and now as the dark guilt gave him another huge bite in the ass, he didn't even notice through his tears and the fucked up voices inside that Jim has been watching him for a good few minutes by then.

Jim knew the exact moment Corey wandered into the room, but he didn’t stop jamming on his guitar while sitting on his favorite stool. He only glimpsed up to watch him pick up his acoustic instrument to start fiddling with it. That brought a faint smile to the tall man’s face, but when the unsure notes died down for more than a minute, he looked up again and stopped his own playing when he saw tears streaming down on Corey’s face which had a grave expression on it.

 _Fuck_ , he thought while watching the broken man. His demons had a tight grip on him that day, it seemed. On instinct he put his guitar down and walked over to the silently crying man. Taking the acoustic from his hands Jim put it on a nearby stand then stepped back to Corey, putting a big hand on the back of his head to pull it against his stomach. That way the singer could hide enough and Jim’s hand on his skull gave the illusion of shielding him from the world – even if he couldn’t shield Corey from his own demons.

“Talk to me, Corey. I’m here,” he murmured softly, hoping that finally he’d be able to open up and let the venomous thoughts pour out to ease the inner turmoil in him. Jim could feel in his muscles and shaking how tense the singer was from it.

The redhead held onto Jim like his life depended on it. He couldn't calm down his shaking, not now, only hours away from laying his other half into the ground. “It's all my fault…” he whispered low on a shaking voice. “He is gone ‘cause of me...” his sobs took over him and he couldn't stop for a good ten minutes.

During those long minutes while Jim was just standing there cradling Corey’s head, he didn’t say anything. He didn’t try to tell Corey that he was wrong or anything like that. Partly because Jim didn’t exactly know what went down between his friends. He knew enough about their relationship to understand that it was a difficult one. Although he doubted it was all Corey’s fault, he kept his opinion to himself for now. And partly because he instinctively knew that the singer needed a silent support at the moment and Jim knew from experience that he was good at least in that. So that’s what he gave Corey and kept gently caressing his head as he let his friend’s sobbing continue.

Once Corey’s crying died down somewhat, Jim handed him a tissue and pulled his stool closer. Picking up the guitar he played on previously, he plunked a few chords. “I’ve started working on this piece a few days before…” he trailed off and started playing a slow but passionate riff that was building up beautifully as it progressed. Now it made sense to him why the melody came to him so shortly before all this happened.

 ***

After all, the funeral was nice and worthy of the memory of someone as iconic as Paul. Corey had to agree with that. Still as they all placed their own tributes to the grave and the man it held, Corey's shaking just got worse. Paul's pregnant wife and the families there, the way all the angel, Buddha and demon statutes were placed down, it all started to look like a small altar to a temple to be built in the future to his gone love. Only that thought and sight held him together. Paul got the respect he deserved.

He could feel Jim keeping near him, even overheard as Shawn and Chris both told the tall man to take care of the singer.

He is just a burden. He was to his mother, to Scarlet and to Paul and while he kept playing with Jim he is now decaying yet another life.

Even now he could feel Jimmy faintly caressing his forearm time to time in his sleep as the singer was pulled close to his chest. Corey was just making him worry too much. He noticed that the ever self-conscious man started to gain his belly back again – a clear sigh of stress in his metabolism.

The small man just sighed long and kept staring at the night sky, trying not to give into his thoughts, but as his tired brain drifted into dreamland again and again for a short time, the vivid painful visions kept creeping back from his past mistakes, ending him up in a restless nightmare.

It was a hard day on all of them. They had put a man to rest who was so important to all of them. Jim was an only child with parents who tried to kinda support him in their own way. The Nine, as they sometimes called themselves, had a very special place in the guitarist’s life. They had a deep connection and Jim considered each of them the brothers he never had. It’s true that family is much more than blood. They were one big extended family and burying one of their brothers was a tragedy for all of them.

Jim promised Shawn and Chris that he’d continue keeping an eye on Corey who was one step away from completely falling apart. Jim didn’t say it out loud just thought that he’d give Corey anything that he thought could help the singer from spiraling downwards into the darkness that was obviously beckoning him.

As they were lying in bed and Jim drifted in and out of his restless sleep, his tired mind was replaying the events of the day. He could still hear the rich earth landing on the box, saw the mourning faces of the people, felt the light wind that was drying his own silent tears on his face. Each time he woke from these dreams for a moment, his fingers automatically caressed Corey’s forearm that was draped over Jim’s middle.

Around dawn he woke up to a tight grip on his side, nails digging into his skin and some faint whines. Jim instantly knew that Corey was having a nightmare. He instinctively started caressing the singer’s nape and back while murmuring some calming words. It seemed they both were having a hard time getting some much needed rest.

The singer was lost deep in his dark dreams. He was looking for an opening in the ground at night under the light of the full moon. He felt lost and desperate dragging a shovel around and digging hole after hole and somehow the ground kept "throwing" him out. He dug lower with his hands, screaming in despair and frustration. He felt like he had to find a way down to have peace and to be able to finally rest. He was so, so tired. His body was aching from a sharp pain, throughout his spine and head a lighting-like striking pain rushed over from time to time, jerking his whole being and somehow getting him more out of the self-dug hole.

He had to catch his breath and looked up. On the sides of the hole there was the Nine. Jim was crying low, holding the hand of Corey’s son, Griffin. They all looked down at him, his grandmother and sister too. Neatly dressed in black. It was his grave he was digging and heard the voices of his first love and Paul from afar. They kept telling him to go back. He only felt that they had rejected him. They were mad ‘cause he couldn't keep them alive. They threw him back to the surface, back to life but he didn’t want it. He wanted to go down to them. He needed to go down. And the stares of the others he was trying to leave behind didn't help to make him change his mind.

Worry pulled Jim’s brows together as he looked down at the dreaming man. He didn’t care about the nails digging into his side, the only thing he wanted to do was to help his friend. He kept caressing and lightly massaging Corey’s nape and neck while his other hand gently shook the singer’s forearm to wake him from the nightmare. Jim’s tee was getting wet on his chest, which was a clear indication that Corey was crying in his sleep.

“Corey… Corey, wake up. It’s just a dream. Corey, come back to me,” Jim said a bit louder than earlier. His throat closed up and his chest tightened from the worry he was feeling. He knew how fucked up things his friend could dream about and he usually took the symbolism of those dreams seriously. Hell, quite a number of elements of these dreams ended up in Corey’s lyrics or their videos. The smaller man could get so completely lost in his head that it sometimes scared even Jim.

For example, he remembered well how Corey got while and after recording the “Iowa” song (and the whole album, for that matter). Even Clown was shaken from what he saw. Jim couldn’t stay long once Corey started cutting himself. He went so deep that time and the guitarist was worried he might not come back. He wanted to stop him, but Shawn was right, Corey had to give that out. Long years after losing his first love he needed at least some form of closure. But it was hard to watch it. So in order not to step in and to let Corey work some of his grief and self-guilt out of his system, Jim had left the studio for a good few hours. He smoked cigarette after cigarette and snorted up quite some coke too in a weak attempt to handle what he saw, but it only got worse from that. He remembered the healing cuts afterwards. It happened very rarely that Jim said he hated a song, but “Iowa” was one of those. He too couldn’t really listen to it. He doubted he’d ever be able to. He never played it on his free time either.

While trying to wake the messed up singer, he was silently begging the universe not to have to see Corey like that or like how he found him in that van again. There was so much Jim could do – or bear before breaking himself. He was already so stressed and restless, a constant tight pain in his chest... Yes, it was starting to show on him physically too, but he didn’t care. Not this time. This time he swore that he wasn’t going to leave – even if Corey ends up in that state again. Putting all his personal feelings aside, Jim was going to dedicate himself to help his friend through this shit storm. He’ll stick around no matter what. Corey was too valuable and worth it. Even if the singer never saw that.

Jim was calling him back, he couldn't dig lower and felt deadly exhausted. He heard Jim’s voice louder and with a sudden cut his eyes opened and he jumped back shaking and screaming as his mind was torn from the dream so fast. He sat back on his heels and buried his sweaty, tear-covered face in his trembling hands howling low from all the remains of what he just felt minutes ago. Mind totally blank now as it took a good few minutes for him to stop and look at Jim.

This dream had a tight grip on Corey, it was easy to see that because it took Jim a few minutes to be able to wake him from it. And clearly the singer got fucked up from the sudden end of the nightmare. Jim sat up too when Corey practically jumped out of his arms. What the fuck did he dream about this time? Jim wanted to ask it, but decided against it while watching his friend so shaken up from it. That scream was still ringing in the guitarist’s ear as his eyes met the bewildered blue ones once Corey was able to look at him. Jim slowly reached out and wiped away the smeared tears with his slender fingers.

“It’s okay. I’m here,” he murmured under his nose on a hopefully calming tone.

Yes. Jim was there. Corey held the gentle hand to his face closing his eyes with a sigh and got closer to the other man, folding his still slightly shaking arms around the long neck, rubbing his face to the crook of it while he climbed on his lap, straddling Jim, his strong thighs pulling them close to each other. He wasn't thinking. He was done thinking. All these feelings kept choking him for so long. He needed to feel something else, needed to feel alive to not slip lower. He kissed along the jaw of Jim, pressing his ass to the groin he felt awaking under him as he pressed a desperate needy kiss to the guitarist's lips.

Jim’s thumb brushed against Corey’s cheek as the singer kept his hand there and felt a bit surprised from the sudden display of affection as Corey climbed onto his lap and buried his face into his neck. The hot breath puffing against his sleep-warm skin and then the kisses against his jaw made the tension somewhat bleed out of Jim. He relaxed against Corey and his eyes fluttered shut as he felt those desperate lips against his. It sent a sudden jolt of desire into his groin.

He wanted to ask if Corey was sure about this, but he had no heart to break the spell they both fell under. Besides Corey probably would’ve taken it as if Jim was refusing him and that’s something the guitarist didn’t want to do. Ever. So his long tattooed arms slid around Corey to keep him close while his mouth opened up to let their tongues meet half-way. It’s been so damn long that he could hold the other man like this and he didn’t care if this was right or wrong. He just wanted to get lost in the moment with Corey, no matter what the reason was behind it.

Jim held him with his long, long arms and that made Corey let out a relived sigh as they deepened the kiss. For a faint second it crossed his mind that Jim would pull away from him, but his part-time lover was still accepting his affection.

In his dream while he wanted to go to those who were most dear to his soul, looking up he saw the one living being closest to him protected by Jim. Jim was holding and consoling Corey's son in the nightmare. Making him realize the fact that by now the tall man also held a place in his very core.

And damn he was soooo tall... Now as they were kissing and caressing each other even in this position Jim was towering over his small form. The singer felt lost and safe so close to him, with a low moan he was practically grinding against the hardness of the other one. Taking the hem of Jim's shirt he pulled back knowing his friend well to ask: “Can I?”

All doubts and thoughts were quickly fading from Jim’s mind as his strong fingers were digging into Corey’s flesh. He had no idea that he needed this so badly too. Jim tended to forget about himself when it came to Corey and his well-being. He had no idea why, but it was just like that ever since they became close friends (then lovers). So he was giving just as good as he was getting. He pushed his tongue into the other man’s mouth and groaned a bit into the kiss as he felt that firm ass move closer as it slid along his quickly hardening cock. _Fuck, Corey_ , Jim thought feeling the air quickly getting hot around them as desire flooded his body.

He’d missed this and he found himself kissing and bucking back just as desperately. Corey always had the ability to fuck with Jim’s mind and he let the singer pull him along for this ride. Something that resembled a coherent thought sparkled in the back of his mind only when the singer paused, his fingers closed around the hem of Jim’s shirt. The guitarist took a moment to swallow hard and pant on Corey’s wet lips as he was trying to fight down the uncomfortable feeling that tried to ruin the moment. He’d always been self-conscious about his body and hated that damn fat that has started collecting on his mid-section again. He thought it was ugly as fuck and it was his sworn enemy. Because of this sometimes he felt like an idiotic chick, other times he didn’t give a fuck and tried to work out a bit or eat less, but lately he didn’t have the time or energy for neither. Corey never minded it though. And they both needed this so Jim took a shaky breath and nodded, putting his arms up so that Corey could pull the shirt off. The second it was gone, Jim’s hands did the same with the singer’s tee then his arms were back around him, sliding down to his ass to squeeze and knead it through his boxers.

Their lips crashed together again and Jim leaned back against his pillow, pulling Corey with him. He only broke the kiss for a moment until he wetted his fingers with his own saliva then slid them under Corey’s boxer at the back to rub against his crack and opening with a low, promising growl as he was biting along the thick neck.

Pulling the shirt of Jim was a big thing, Corey knew well. He adored the other man getting bigger, though... He always said and felt like that about Paul's weight too, saying that there was more to love. Guess, it could be stated that the singer had a thing for big men.

His hands smoothed over the bare sides and belly of Jim, groaning aroused from the feeling and the erection bucking up to him. Lying upon the long body he rose his butt to let Jim rub him, one hand sliding between them to pull on the guitarist's flesh, twisting his palm at the tip. He felt the blood rushing in his veins, heard it in his ears. He needed to feel this so much and as fast as he possibly could.

Goose bumps broke out on Jim’s skin and his wet fingers rubbed harder against the tight opening as he felt Corey’s hands on him. He groaned and let his head fall back against the pillow when strong fingers closed around his aching erection. “Fuck…” he said out of breath and steadily pushed a finger into the hot body above him, his other hand scratching the singer’s nape. He so wished that he had long hair again so that he could pull on it – like Paul did that one time Jim saw the two in that hotel room.

For a split second he felt bad for doing this so soon after the one man’s death who meant everything to Corey. It intensified the pain in Jim’s chest for a moment, and then he forced himself to chase the thought away. This was… this was to help Corey. Or both of them. There was no stopping now. The second finger sliding up into the other man so easily only stressed this so the second Jim found Corey’s prostate, he began rubbing it to give some much needed pleasure to the heartbroken singer.

“Fucking Jesus!” the singer cried out trembling at the sudden rush of pleasure exploding over his body. He pushed back against those long fingers, panting for more. He wanted to feel, dying to feel anything that would make his brain stop messing him up. Peeling Jim's cock free he moved forward, resting his forehead on the other one's. Placing his hands on the hairy chest he dug his nails deep into the plump flesh with delight.

“Please, Jim... I want to feel you now,” the begging tone rolled off him so naturally, even though with this man he never used it. He got off Jim, pulled his boxers off and got on all fours beside him, then lowering his body like a laying down puppy, his small round ass all offered up while he looked at the bigger man with passion-lit eyes. “Please...”

The nails sinking into his skin caused a lustful moan from Jim as he looked up at Corey. Arousal was such a better look on the singer. The guitarist let himself admire the flushed and tattooed skin. At some places he could already see sweat forming as Corey was moving back against his fingers so wantonly. Despite everything that’d happened or the white bandage on his healing thigh, Jim found him fucking hot. He always found him hot.

Corey’s words brought him back to the here and now and his breath hitched when he heard that certain tone. It was the first time he used it with him. It slightly surprised Jim, but at the same time his heart sped up and his cock slightly jumped in Corey’s hand. Luckily before he could say or do something that would ruin the moment, the other man climbed off him and then Jim got speechless anyway. The way Corey displayed himself was… fucking beautiful and arousing and all Jim wanted to do is bury himself deep into the offered body.

He kicked his own underwear down then rolled onto his side to get on his knees not so gracefully, but he didn’t care just knelt behind Corey and ran his big hands down the tattooed back to cup the pale globes, eyes fixed on the contracting hole that was waiting only for him. He took a few shallow breaths, his wavy hair falling into his eye as he spit into his palm a few times to lube up his cock with it and his pre-cum then he was there, steadily pushing himself deeper and deeper quietly cursing from the hot tightness.

Finally... Corey laid his forehead on the bed, whining and growling as he felt Jim more and more inside him. It was so long ago, he will be sore for a day or so... He was underlining that "now" to Jim to say how he wanted him, and he was not disappointed when the other didn't use more lubricant. The small sharp stings of pain made him wince and moan – he couldn't get enough of it. The pain made his adrenalin rush in his brain, highlighting everything and dragging him out of the fog he was in. Finally feeling his body being alive and his heart racing so hard it choked up his throat, he had to reach back and dig his fingers into Jim's thighs to make him get as close as possible. The small trembling man pushed back and grinded his hips with a whole palette of noises from small high cries to throaty groans of joy. He was going crazy from all this.

That hot tightness was driving the other man crazy too. Not to mention all the fucking sexy noises Corey was making. Jim was always kinda in love with Corey’s voice – not just the singing voice, but his regular voice too, but the sounds he was making while pushing back onto his aching cock were unparalleled. They urged Jim to coax more of those sounds out of the small man so he drove into him harder and faster, his own control slipping as his hips were rolling back and forth.

Fuck, he’d missed this! Not just the fucking, but fucking Corey. He was always so responsive and needy, always wanting more. Faster, harder, deeper. And Jim was doing his best to live up to those expectations. His own groans and moans soon joined Corey’s as his nails dug deep into the flesh on the singer’s hips while pulling him back to meet each of his powerful thrusts.

“Moreee...” Corey groaned out of breath as he was bucking back hard against Jim. He tightened his inner walls over the pulsing member to encourage the other to fuck him harder. He loved it. Always did. Jim was so into pleasing him and watching every sign he made and giving him what he needed. They were always in perfect sync and now as he wanted more than ever before, Jim gave him the rougher treatment he starved for. It was amazing and soul-wrenching and insane and all he needed was to feel it more till he could lose every pressure he kept inside.

It was insane, raw and frantic. Nearly like the first time in that dressing room. They both were running on instincts now, but this was harder than that first time. Back then Jim didn’t dare to let go, because it was all knew and he was a bit insecure since he didn’t know what Corey liked, but he remembered clearly how much the singer enjoyed the pain in that hotel room. Jim knew he could take it, so when Corey tightened his walls around him, nearly causing for Jim to lose it right then and there, he let go of the other’s hip with one hand and pressed it on the back of his neck to keep the singer’s head down against the bed.

Sweat was running down on his face and body, his long hair was sticking to his skin and tickled along Corey’s back as he leaned down to lick along his spine while fucking him. Then he did what his instincts dictated and bit him hard on his shoulder to take and mark him (as his). He got so lost in the moment that he didn’t even entertain the thought why he wanted to leave his mark on him or call Corey “his” in the first place. He was just biting him over and over until he tasted blood.

Corey always loved to be fucked by Jim, and this was now Jim but much more of a man he needed and all the thrill and side of the Jim who was losing himself and was getting wild and raw was something that played on the strings of the singer's soul as perfectly as the man played his guitar. His face was pushed into the sheet, he was losing his breath at the feeling as the bigger body was hovering over his small one with ease… the deep rough thrusts getting wilder and out of control but the biting...

Corey could hear his own long roaring scream from far through his ecstatic state as all this made his eyes roll back and he let himself be just one pure nerve ending, over-flooded with pleasure, cumming hard with all his muscles cramping in small waves. It left him shaking and crying and howling totally out of control and from this physical world. Just how he needed it.

To stop a starting cramp in his thigh Jim shifted even closer to Corey, his balls slapping against the other man as he was moving in and out of the oh so willing body, the taste of Corey’s blood on his tongue and lips sending a shiver down on his spine. Jim was so damn close and when he heard the “dying” noises the singer was making and felt his walls tighten even more around him, he only needed a few more uncontrolled thrusts to blow his load into the other man’s shaking and sweaty body with a series of his own raw yells of pleasure.

It was so fucking intense that he had to lean on his forearms, fucking them both through their orgasms while panting onto Corey’s fresh wounds. He unwittingly licked the blood off his lips and the wounds too in between two sips of air. He was still not thinking. The pain in his chest had eased up by then and for the first time in a long while he felt better and kinda serene. One would say they were both out of it, completely lost in what they’d just lived through.

It took some time for Jim to come down from this new high and as he looked at Corey, he saw that the singer was still further away than him, so Jim used the opportunity to gently slide out of him and get off the bed to pad to the bathroom on slightly unsteady legs. This was the part in this new world he’d wandered into which he didn’t want to miss or fuck up. The cleaning up bit. He’d have done it anyway, but now that he already did some research about it, he knew that the aftercare was an important part of BDSM.

BDSM… A few years, hell, even a few months ago he’d never have seen himself venturing into this world. But Corey had his way to turn your whole life upside down without noticing it. As Jim poured some warm water on a washcloth by the sink, he wondered if there was something he wouldn’t do for the singer.

Walking back into the room he saw that Corey was still blissed out, but Jim swallowed hard seeing how much damage he did on the man’s right shoulder with all the biting. Maybe he already fucked up? Well, time – or Corey – will tell, right? Moving closer he started gently cleaning Corey’s abused hole then moved him a bit to be able to do the same on his front. After that he quietly took the disinfectant that was still nearby because of the wounds on the singer’s thigh and carefully cleaned the bitemarks too before covering them with some gauze and medical tape. Once done he slid back into the bed and pulled the singer to him. He stayed silent for a couple of minutes while he tried to process what just went down between them. He was quite shocked at how wild he got, how easily his instincts took over. That raging demon that marked Corey was new – and a bit scary to Jim himself.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

_“The Blood and The Body - Control the cut so it's seamless  
Show me your Heart - Show me the way to complete this…”_

Corey went numb. And damn, he needed that the most now. He was still shaking and breathing deep and low with a buzzing head but feeling as Jim moved and cleaned him up. When the taller man pulled him to his chest, he nuzzled the sweaty hairs, making content purring sounds, just enjoying the afterglow of it all. Even dozed off for a couple of minutes before opening his shining blue eyes and looked up at Jim.

“Hey big guy... This was fucking insane,” he chuckled placing a kiss to the other's chest.

While lost in his thoughts about this event which shook him up quite a bit, even if it didn’t show that much on his face, Jim kept an eye on Corey too. He seemed to be okay and content for now. It was the first time since Paul’s death that he saw something else on him than sorrow and heartbreak.

Looking down at him he weakly returned the smile and kicked himself in the balls for possibly being the same person who put and would take that smile off the satisfied face. “Hey. Yeah, good choice of words. You okay? How’s the shoulder?” he asked, his quiet insecurities making him skirt around the topic he knew they’d have to talk about. And very soon.

“Hmm... Tingles nicely. Been worse. Ya know… been doing such… stuff before too,” Corey replied with a slight blush over his cheeks and rested his back against Jim's chest. “How are you, though?” he knew this was a new ground for his lover. And now as he made the first step to be in such connection with Jim, there was no way back and he was just as responsible, or as the more experienced one even more for Jim.

“That’s why I didn’t apologize for it…” Jim murmured running a fingertip along the edge of the gauze on Corey’s shoulder. “Cor… I’ve seen you once. So I know. I know how you were with him. And we need to talk. About this and us and the future. Fuck…” Jim frowned and sighed. “Sorry… I guess I’m just confused and a little scared about this, you know…” he admitted, mirroring the singer’s slight blush while he closed out a few hazy drugged pictures from their past. At least they were talking for real now.

“With… him?” Corey asked barely audible, swallowing hard and closing his eyes tight. He didn't want the emotions back, yet also didn't want to wipe them with Paul out of his mind and soul. “We… We can talk. We should, you're right,” he swallowed again moving back a little, looking up at the guitarist. “Is there anything you want to know first? You can ask.”

“Yeah. With Paul. I was worried about the bruises I once saw on you and one night I snuck into your hotel room to make sure you’re okay. That’s when I… saw some things. So yeah, I’ve known this for a long time now. But thought it wasn’t my thing,” Jim explained, deciding to let the cat out of the bag if they were going to be talking honestly. Maybe it was wrong that they had never talked about these things. Of course it was easier and more comfortable that way. No real strings attached just fooling around. But Jim knew by now that this was a dangerous game in which he was bound to get burned. But somehow… he didn’t care anymore. He just wanted Corey to be happy. As much as possible.

“I found it arousing though, so I did some digging, but… I feel like a little school boy in the big guys’ league. I don’t even know if it was okay for me to mark you up like that…” he ran his hand through his still damp hair to brush it out of his face. “But Corey… there’s very little I wouldn’t do for you, man. I hope you know that. I guess this is one more thing I’m willing to try to help – what’s the term for it? – ‘ground’ you…” he said feeling more than embarrassed, but he was trying to fight it back, because this was very important to talk about.

“We’ve been a thing for so long, Jim. I was yours too all along anyway. I love the marking, as it might have occurred to you,” Corey couldn't help but reach up and caress the bandage with a little smile as his heart leaped. “I am scared a bit too, ‘cause I'm not over him, and don't think I will ever be. I'm sorry... But that's the truth... And you have to know that,” he looked down as his breathing got heavy, folding his arms as if caressing himself to not fall apart now.

“You mean a lot to me, and I am willing to let you ground me and be yours. Because he would want that. For me to move on and live. That's why he went away from me too…” his voice failed him as he remembered the break up and all with Paul. He was so, so stupid to feel pity for himself and not seeing behind all the actions his mate had done to save him by keeping his distance. “So... You know how fucked up I am on a regular basis too. I can't promise anything. But I promise I will try my best to not push you away or make you feel used ever again. I'm… I'm sorry for that too, Jim…”

Corey’s words about recognizing the two of them being a thing eased the nervousness in Jim somewhat. It was good to know that his friend thought about them like that too. The guitarist kept his eyes on every move Corey made then he nodded. “I know you’ll probably never get over him, but that’s fine by me. I understand. He was and will remain a huge part of your life. I respect that. Always had. Thank you for telling me this. I know it wasn’t easy,” he rubbed his beard lost in thoughts.

“You mean a lot to me too, Cor. Always have. And I think you’re right about Paul wanting you to live. If I can help with that, I’m here and it’ll make me happy to know that I can help at least in some ways. And remember, I like your ‘fucked up’. It makes life interesting,” he joked a bit to lighten the very serious mood. “Hey… I never took what was going on between us like you were using me,” he lightly shook his head. “I knew what I was getting into so that’s on both of us. I don’t expect more than you can offer. Always remember that, man. But you’ll have to help me as I’m fucking new to this, you know,” Jim cleared his throat blushing a bit again. “Honestly, I shocked myself with the way I acted… but I kinda liked it at the same time. It’s an intriguing paradox…”

“But it is you. It's all about giving in to the most inner need and being we are. That is why these relationships are so close and deep,” Corey rather started to educate than to think back on the connection of him and Paul. Or about how they have been messing around before. With that nightmare he’d decided to move on. Maybe just on the outside for now. He knew it wasn't healthy. He should be honest with Jim. Fuck… He is just telling about how honesty is the base of these relationships in the BDSM world. Guess he is setting a nice base with feeling guilty for everything. For Paul. For Jim. But Jim is so willing and Corey could sense for a while how Jim loved him. The singer loved him back though... Still... Right then he just hoped it all wouldn’t show much on his face. “I will help you with everything you need. You were always my best friend. And that won't change ever. Want to ask something more about these things?”

“You must be right,” Jim murmured thinking about how he felt while so lost in that certain headspace Corey managed to push him into earlier. It was a side of him which he found intriguing and if he wanted to be honest with himself, he wanted to get to know it better. He’s always been an open-minded person so it was no wonder he wanted to know more about this. After all, people say that knowing yourself is one of the biggest goals in life. Something that is supposed to help you.

He was so lost in these thoughts that he didn’t notice Corey’s inner fight about honesty. He trusted his friend that he knew what he was doing. The doubt Jim was feeling about losing him as his best friend if they ventured into this and somehow it didn’t work out at the end was fading in him hearing Corey’s words.

“I know how rough you really like to go into this and going there unprepared is something I don’t want to do, so baby steps? I understand the basics of these kinds of relationships. It’s a give and take kind of thing. The submissive needs the dominant and gives him his trust and the dominant treasures that and needs to feel needed,” he nodded to himself. “I get that. I always found it fascinating and I think now I understand it a bit better. But as I understood, there are serious rules and punishments attached to such relationships. Like limits, safewords and stuff. Which is a good thing. Something palpable and reasonable… We should go through those some time, I guess. For now I’d like to know what you really like in such a setting so I can see if I can give you what you need in the first place. I don’t want you to feel fucked over or me to chicken out…”

“Well... I like it rough…” Corey couldn't help but laugh. “I like breath control, choking… bondage. Dressing up too,” he coughed but made a meaningful glare at his lover to help him think back on the many times the singer dressed up in women's clothes and make up. “So... A lot of shit really,” he continued with bright pink cheeks. “Mostly just manhandle me rough and wild and I'll be one happy puppy,” biting his lower lip he blinked somewhat innocently at Jim.

Okay, a laughing and blushing Corey was definitely something Jim would call progress. So far this topic was the most successful in putting the singer’s mind off the deep sorrow that was eating him. For now at least. Of course, the guitarist had his own blush, but he ignored it and returned Corey’s look with a playful one of his.

“Oh yeah, I remember well how pretty you looked all dressed up. I can admit now that you were fucking with my mind like that even before anything more serious happened between us,” he admitted and cleared his throat. “Err… yeah, I picked up on you liking it rough,” he chuckled lightly then nodded. “I can definitely give you that,” he continued, his dark eyes wandering down to Corey’s shoulder for a long moment before looking up at his lover again. “But you’ll have to teach me about… breath control and bondage. I’m glad I can tie my shoelaces on a good day…” he snorted.

“Errr... Thanks. I can dress up as you want me, though… It's all about that. And for a start if you just simply tie me out to the bed or the table is okay. Errr... I think it’d be best if I showed you some... videos and stories maybe....? What you think?”

“I’ll keep that in mind…” Jim murmured and absently licked his lips as he was thinking about all of this. “I can also tie you up like that… Yeah, no problem with that,” he continued and ran his hand through his hair. “Okay, sure, if that can give me a better idea, man.”

After that time he saw Corey with Paul, he did check out a couple of BDSM videos to understand better what he’d seen, but he probably found some more hardcore ones which were a bit too much for him at that time. Since then he didn’t really dive into that so he was curious how they would affect him now. Reaching down next to the bed on his side he picked up his laptop from the floor and handed it to Corey. After all he was the expert here.

“Ehhhmmm...” the singer swallowed starting up the laptop. He was a sub in this world, so Corey showing around and teaching someone was totally new. Looking over his favorite sites, he felt Jim’s curious eyes peeking at the screen over him. Various videos from bondage to fisting popped up and made him turn red and swallow loud at the humming sounds Jim was making.

“Here... This one might help a bit,” he gave the computer back to Jim with a bit lighter and more of the explaining kinda video to start about breath control and choking. “I think I take a shower while you watch it…” and with that he escaped into the bathroom.

To be honest, Jim found Corey adorable as he turned as red as a tomato while searching for a good video to start with. The tall man raised a brow and hummed a few times as his eyes caught the title or a picture of some… let’s say interesting videos he was definitely not up to. Yet. Though it didn’t mean he wouldn’t be willing to go deeper with time. Once he had a better understanding and more experience in this yet mostly unknown world. Maybe he should ask Corey if he has a… dominant friend or something with whom Jim could talk about these things and the role the singer was expecting him to fill.

His attention was drawn back to the laptop when it was pushed back into his hand and he watched as Corey practically fled to the bathroom. He was obviously uncomfortable from the situation, which Jim understood yet decided that it was something they would have to work on in the future if they were gonna do this. Being comfortable around each other in these situations was important. Humming to himself he let Corey be and turned back to the laptop to hit the start button.

***

Corey has been looking at his reflection in the bathroom mirror for about four minutes now. He pulled the bandage off the wounds on his shoulder and thigh. Jim will be pissed about it, though... But his thigh wound was almost healed and the bite mark on his shoulder he had to see.

Balance was always important for him. At least he thought so. The idea of getting bad to balance out the good was always more calming than to think that he was just fucked up and doomed to suffer. And this was now in some sort of fucked up way, in which his mind was screwed, in balance.

He cut out a piece of himself because of the mate he’d lost. And his new mate got into him. Not physically speaking about them having sex, though. But inside his being and spirit.

It hurt. Still very much so. 

Both the sight and the feeling of loss, and the sight of the sign of having a new owner and going into a new experience unexpectedly. And kinda untrue because he felt that he was forcing himself.

But he couldn't do it otherwise. 

He was selfish and lost him... lost Pauly. Jim has been there for him since they were kids too and started to play music. He cannot make more people who care for him worry. Jimmy wants to learn to please him and be good for him. And he will try to be the best for him too. Jim deserves it. The band deserves their front man. Pauly would have deserved a good man and pet too. But he was just basking in his self-pity, feeling rejected. What a scum he was. But it hurt so deeply..... It still is... And now... It's all over now...

By then he was kneeling in the shower cabin with his hands on his face and was sobbing heavily, trying to muffle his howls. Only long minutes later was he able to stand up and slowly wash his body and short hair. He picked a long video with a reason for Jim....

To say that said video was intriguing (and exciting) was the understatement of the century. Jim tried to watch it as if it was an educational sex video – which was practically the case – and take the impartial observer’s point of view. But as the video progressed, presenting a scene with a slow build, practically taking it step by step so that it sucked the viewer completely in, the guitarist couldn’t deny that it was affecting him physically too. His already half-hard cock was proof of that. Still, he tried to ignore that and focus on what was happening on the screen, drinking in all the details. From the way the dominant (or dom) treated the submissive (or sub) to the way he tied him up then teased the fuck out of him until the latter was an incoherent, sweaty and begging mess.

Although this video was clearly about satisfying their sexual needs, Jim’s constantly analyzing mind could already understand that this was much more than just physical needs. This had a deep psychology. Which he really liked about it and seeing this video only encouraged him to want to learn more about this. So yes, he was definitely open to try it for Corey. And thinking back on what the singer had said, maybe even for himself.

Looking up at the closed bathroom door a couple of times while the video was on, Jim felt a bit worried when Corey was taking too long to come back, but he heard the water flowing. Besides his mind had A LOT to process, not to mention how his body seemed to really like what he was seeing on the screen. While trying not to touch himself, he noticed a few things on the blissed out sub which he’d seen on Corey too while fucking him a bit earlier and he reminded himself to try out a few things on the singer that the dom did to his sub.

Once it was over, he closed the laptop and took a few calming breaths. He was leaking and his long fingers were itching to take care of his little problem, but his eyes wandered back to the bathroom door. It’s been more than half an hour and he had a nagging feeling that he should check on his friend. So instead of finishing himself off, he did exactly that and gently knocked on the door, but when he didn’t hear a response, he carefully slipped inside.

Washing his hair in slow circling motions of his hands like in some kind of a trance, the singer let the hot water cascade down his back, and the energies cleanse out his dark thoughts too. Or at least the mindset was that. Jim was probably worried for him by then, he remembered when the stream hit his wounded shoulder. That video was surely to arouse the big guy, though...

Corey had to smirk from the thought of his seemingly always collected guitarist getting horny from some kinky gay porn, and the fact that he made him watch, even more... he, the small insane little geek who was so important for Jim that he was stepping over his limits and actually wanted to try those things. It was melting his heart, he had to admit it. He let the feeling linger on his broken soul a little as he rinsed his hair when the door opened behind his back.

The air was kinda stuffy from all the steam, but he didn’t care, because the sight of Corey standing naked under his shower with his back towards Jim was something he would consider a perfect picture. Yes, maybe he was still horny from the video and that’s why he was having such thoughts, but it was true nonetheless.

Swallowing hard Jim padded behind the singer and looked down at the wet wound on the bitten shoulder as he ran a gentle hand down on Corey’s tattooed back. He was sure the bitemarks were stinging from the hot water, but if he’d learned something about Corey was that often he needed pain just as much as pleasure. After all these years he was still a mystery to the tall man. Maybe that was one of the things he loved so much about his complicated friend… lover.

Leaning closer his back blocked the singer from the water as Jim pressed a soft kiss on the 8 tattoo on the back of Corey’s neck then he murmured into his ear. “I liked it. I want to learn more.”

“Well how about that?” Corey laughed from the horny deep voice that came out of Jim and he leaned back his nape against the shoulder just in the perfect height for that. “What you want to learn now?” he asked pulling the long arms onto his body.

"Delayed gratification?" he lightly chuckled as his long arms wrapped around the singer, one hand sneaking down to cup him between his legs, his own erection pressing against the bare ass. Jim sucked Corey's earring in his mouth and gently tugged on it, his long fingers closing around his shaft. "How about that?"

“I was a bad puppy... I don't deserve release, my master…” Corey breathed lowering his head. “Use me as you wish.”

This was the first time he was called master and it rang a bit strange to his ears, but it made his cock tingle so Jim was sure he could get used to that title with time. He simply grunted as an answer and his slick hand kept playing with Corey’s cock as he leaned his forehead against Corey’s nape, his hot and shallow breaths puffing against the wet skin. He knew that they probably should’ve talked some more about safe words and limits and stuff, but if Corey’s goal with that video was to make Jim horny and want to play then he had succeeded.

Jim was rubbing himself against his lover’s crack while his other hand slid up to twist a nipple like he so often did when he had the chance – let it be on or offstage.

The short man just stood there being thankful that Jim didn't see his cried out eyes and face. They were playing as he liked it too, so it was all good. The long, long body supporting his back, the firm hand rubbing his hardness, and that nipple twist… Damn Jimmy!!! He always does that even in front of everyone. And Corey loved him for it so, so much. “Please, master... Teach me my lesson.”

The guitarist got the reaction he was hoping for. He tried not to overthink things and just let his instincts lead him like earlier, but at the same time he wanted to do this right. “Oh I will. You can’t come unless I say so, understood?” he asked, using his freshly acquired knowledge from the video. He was always a quick learner. With that he tightened his grip on Corey’s hard cock and he quickly wetted the fingers on his other hand to slide two of them into the still loose ass. “But promise me you tell me if I do something wrong!” It was a warning, not a request. “Give me your words!”

“Jalapeño… My safe word is Jalapeño,” Corey said on his normal tone, but couldn't hide a bit of sadness with it. He didn't think of what it would be like to use his word with someone other than Paul. He swallowed loudly before going back to their act, nodding to Jim and answering on a submissive tone. “I understood, master.”

The urge to smile from the safe word was quickly gone as Jim naturally picked up on the sadness in Corey’s voice. He paused for a second to brush his lips against the 8 tattoo again, instinctively giving the singer a little reward and consolation. Then his fingers slid deeper. “Good boy…” he whispered a bit hoarsely as his fingertips brushed against that magical spot a few times and his palm twisted on Corey’s tip. “I’m sticking with ‘red’ for now until I figure out a better one,” he added, because Jim wanted to be better safe than sorry too. “Hands on the tiles in front of you, lean a bit forward and push that gorgeous ass of yours out for me. Now,” he instructed on a more even tone, starting to get a hang of his role – or so he hoped.

Corey smiled closing his eyes for a second when Jim lightly kissed his nape tattoo, the gentle love radiating from him. That is also good in the BDSM world, to show a bit of reassuring affection. But following the instructions without a smirk was impossible. He felt so proud of Jim. And kinda moved too that he jumped into this world head first.

“Yes, master,” he said low, getting into the position he was ordered into, those damn long fingers playing inside him made him swear under the shower.

The guitarist felt kinda grateful that all the playing on his guitars had made his fingers and hands stronger during the years, because he knew he could keep this fingering up for a long time. Maybe some later time he might try out just how long he could keep Corey on the edge like this. That’s probably something the singer would enjoy and hate at the same time. He’ll definitely keep that in mind.

A third finger joined the other two and Jim let Corey’s cock go to slide his hand up across his stomach, lightly scratching it along the tattooed chest, giving his attention to every single muscle. He was relearning the other man’s body from a different perspective and if it pushed Corey closer to the edge, even better. Getting bolder from the responses so far, his fingertips brushed along that fucking thick neck and throat. Then he closed his big palm and fingers around it – without squeezing. He just rested his hand there to see Corey’s reaction while his fingers kept fucking him with a deep and steady rhythm. He could do this all morning. But he was waiting, even if his cock was already slick with pre-cum.

Those fucking fingers could reach his spots always so easily... Damn that… Corey was losing his cool fast from all the gentle touching and quickening finger-fucking. His neck was touched and his knees buckled from the way Jim held his big palm there. “Please…”

He didn’t even have to think back on the video to know what to say next, it just popped into his mind as his thumb kept brushing against a protruding vein on the warm neck, his pinkie brushing against the rim of the stretched hole as he was rubbing the others harder against the singer’s prostate. “Please what? I can’t hear you. Tell me!” he nearly growled by then seeing and feeling Corey’s reactions – and slipping into headspace himself. So far it was easier than he thought it’d be and that gave Jim more confidence.

“Please, master,” Corey breathed feeling weak all over, his brain getting into the state of where he just didn't care about anything else just to get closer to his release. His body was shaking with want and he pushed back onto those amazing fingers.

“Not good enough, you little slut…” Jim huffed and pulled his fingers out of the more than ready ass, but before Corey could answer, the tall man’s cock was already pushing in to impale him. “Try again!” Jim hissed from the hot tightness around him once he was inside up to the hilt, but forced himself not to move to give time for the other’s body to adjust to the intrusion and to hear Corey.

“P-please master… I… Fuck… Please choke me, master…” Corey whined out of his mind as he tried to wiggle to make Jim move, or get pissed and close his fingers around his throat. Or get very pissed and get rough and move AND choke him... But he didn't... For fuck sake… “Please, master... I beg you… Give it to me…”

“Fuck…” Jim fell out of his role for a split second hearing Corey begging him like that for the very first time. It was fucking beautiful and definitely an addictive head-rush that amazed and aroused Jim to no end. “Much better…” he grunted hoarsely as he pulled half-way out then rammed back inside in time of his fingers starting to tighten on the thick throat, holding it a bit firmer with each rough thrust. Was Corey going to be able to hold back? – he wondered for a moment but then only their panting and moans were left until the tall man’s free hand slid back down onto the neglected cock.

Corey leaned closer to the tiles. His eyes shut tight and all those varied growls and whines got lose again from his lips. He was almost out of breath from that gorgeous big hand and he had to bite his lips insane to not give in to all what his body was getting. So fucking close. But he couldn't yet...

The taller man behind him was once again merciless with pounding that tight ass, his balls slapping against it with each move. That big hand was tightening more and more (finally cutting off Corey’s air) as Jim’s thrusts fell out of rhythm, a clear sign of nearly toppling over the edge. His other hand kept working on the leaking cock and his teeth found the back of Corey’s neck for a few sharp bites, but he didn’t break the skin this time. The guitarist let his grip go time after time to let a rush of oxygen drive the singer further. He kept going, holding himself back as best as he could, although he was leaking like crazy too, but he had to stay strong. He had to hear that broken voice once more before he could let them both go.

The sudden rush of oxygen after the loss of air again and again pushed the singer deeper and deeper into the euphoric passion and losing touch with this world. His lower abs were cramping for the release. He faintly felt how much on the brink Jim was. All the pressure made him whine and growl and tremble like a leaf. “Please... Please, master let me cum... Please… Make me cum...” he begged on a deep almost crying voice, trying to hold up.

That voice again sent a shiver down the other man’s wet spine and forming coherent thoughts or sentences became nearly impossible from it. A few rough thrusts later he was panting next to his lover’s ear, his hands tightening around the thick neck and the throbbing cock. He could feel how much Corey was shaking by then and as the moment presented itself, he only said: “Cum for me!” and then he was crying out himself.

He thought Jim would never say those words and leave him to calm down a bit then torture him again… That thought at that state he was in was something to whimper about. When Jim ordered him he was at the point of coming anyway and take whatever punishment might follow it. But those amazing beautiful words have rolled off his lover's lips and he could finally let go with a breathless grunt and shaking body.

Jim couldn’t help it, his strong fingers dug deeper into the side of Corey’s thick neck as his deep voice echoed through the bathroom over and over again while filling the other man up. The pulsing heat around him was milking every last drop out just like his hand was doing on the singer’s spurting hardness until there was nothing left but being a blissed out, panting moaning mess for both of them. Jim’s orgasm was so fucking intense that he had to let Corey’s neck go to slap his palm against the tiles to be able to keep himself upwards. His other hand let the oversensitive cock go and slid around the singer’s middle just in case he needed the support. “Fucking… mind-blowing shit…” he panted hoarsely more to himself.

Corey, who was more used to these situations, came around faster. Just smiling wide and purring in the arms of the shaking giant behind him. “Welcome to my world, Jimmy,” he turned a bit to kiss the sweaty head resting on his shoulder. “Wash up and eat?”

The guitarist lightly rubbed his beard against Corey’s uninjured shoulder once his head was kissed. It took him a minute or two to be there to move or even be able to talk. Now he understood why Corey needed this so much. This was fucking intense, leaving him exhausted as fuck, but content at the same time.

Carefully slipping his softening cock out of his lover he nodded against the damp shoulder and murmured something that sounded ‘absolutely’. With that Jim reached out for the shower gel on auto-pilot. He wasn’t really able to talk more just yet. His mind was kinda floating and still a bit disconnected from reality as without thinking his hands began washing Corey, his moves unintentionally praising and adoring the other man.

“Are you okay, big guy?” Corey asked Jim, washing the taller body and paying attention to the more plump parts with delight. Leaning in and even kissing into Jim's neck.

The fact that Jim didn’t even feel uncomfortable for a second from Corey touching him at places Jim would rather not have told just how much his mind was trying to process all these new information. “Yeah, I’m good, man… It just needs some getting used to,” he finally looked into Corey’s eyes and his forming smile stopped, morphing into a gentle expression as he saw the puffy eyes. He wanted to kick himself for not noticing it earlier that Corey’s been crying, but the singer probably stayed with his tattooed back to him for a reason.

Letting it slip, Jim simply slid the same hand that caused the redness on the thick neck under Corey’s chin to tip his head up. Jim leaned down to kiss him slow and sensual for a good minute or two. “Thank you,” he whispered on the other’s lips then leaned his head back to wet his long hair and quickly wash that too while lost in thoughts.

The small man just nodded and laid his head at the body before him, before stepping back to also finish with the washing up. He could see that Jim realized most of what he was doing while being alone in there. Hopefully the guitarist wouldn't have second thoughts about all of this and their actions ‘cause of it. Corey just felt stupid and failing at being a good friend and lover once again. Maybe he already fucked up this blooming thing they shared. The darkness of his brain was pulling on the attached strings again.

“Stop it, Cor…” Jim murmured and playfully splashed some water into the singer’s face from his wet hair. “I can hear you overthinking. It’s fine. I get it, man,” he said slicking his hair against his skull as Jim finished his shower then he reached out for the towels, handing one to his friend. He knew him too well not to notice the tensing lines on Corey’s face that he got when he was starting to blame himself.

“Trying… Sorry...” Corey muttered low rubbing himself all over and folding the towel over his hips while stepping out of the shower. “Come. I cook something.” He even gave a smile to his new mate.

“No need to apologize, Cor. I know you’re trying.” Not knowing that Corey was already thinking of him as his ‘new mate’ Jim dried himself up too and put the towel around his waist like the other man. What exactly was Corey now to him? He had no idea for now since everything was fucking messed up emotionally. Both because of Paul and what’s been going on between Jim and the singer for years without ever really talking about it. And now this completely fascinating world Corey was letting Jim into… The tall man was grateful that the singer was letting him in at least this way, even if he wasn’t ready to talk about Paul yet. Though that was okay in Jim’s eyes and he swore to himself not to push that matter for a while. But… if necessary, he will. After all, he wanted to take care of his friend in every meaning. (He didn’t really realize it yet that thinking like that came easily to a natural dom.)


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

_“TETHERED / to a scene I / TREASURE / can you help me?  
I / SEVER/ god it's perfect, it's / NEVER / really perfect…”_

He put some neutral guitar music on the stereo while passing it on their way to the kitchen then while Corey started gathering stuff for making breakfast, Jim busied himself with making at least their coffee.

Some bacon and eggs should do it for now. The little man was familiar in the kitchen and keeping himself busy now was the best idea. Plus he prepared food for his mate. It was a bit strange though. With Pauly they were practicing BDSM for years and the big man looked after his needs. But what even in that moment came natural for Corey was a new ground. The domesticated BDSM life was what they were really slipping into with Jim. The kinda life when the roles just barely switch off. Corey knew people living like that. This requires an even deeper bond and level of trust and honesty. He trusts Jim. But maybe Jim should not trust him that much... Meanwhile the food got ready at least…

Corey’s steaming mug was waiting for him on the table while Jim took careful sips of his own and checked his phone answering a few text messages from the guys. The rest could wait. After all he was still on a mission, although he was kinda lost at the moment about what kind of ways he could make things easier for his…

“What are we now to each other, Cor?” The question that’s been on his mind since the bathroom simply tumbled out of his mouth before he could really think about it. But oh well, the cat was out of the bag…

“Well... That depends. Want this? The connection, the relationship, the sex… All this deeper sense of life with me included?” Corey asked sitting down and cuddling his mug. Jim was all new to this stuff. He doesn’t know the signs. That’s why. He sighed sipping from the coffee. He couldn't help to feel it. He even had to squeeze his eyes shut to not let it show. Jim marked him. Took care of him and showed more… He showed loving in his actions. He is just new to this. It's not like he doesn't want Corey. The singer is not rejected... He is over-fucking-thinking again!!! “After all... You've marked me… So you decide,” he added low.

Jim’s immediate response that popped up in his mind was a big fat “yes”, but he knew he had to quickly think this over, because a lot was depending on how and what he was going to say next. Taking a sip from his coffee to buy himself some time, Jim looked at Corey. Really looked at him. He didn’t miss the light flinch on his face as he squeezed his eyes shut or the slight tremors running through his often restless and fucking tense body. The long-haired man could also see the subtle return of the “over-thinking lines” again.

“Previously I never allowed myself to think deeply into what has really started between us in that dressing room or even before that and what we went through until now. But it’s time to face the fact that no matter what, I want you in my life. I like being around you wherever we are. You… make me feel things I like feeling and for fuck’s sake, you always find your way to make me do things I’d never do otherwise. You are a huge part of my life already, Corey. I trust you and love you, man. I think I’m more than a bit in love with you too. And maybe I’m a selfish bastard, but the thought of you being mine… it’s fucking with my mind… because I like that idea a lot…” he started on a calm and even tone but the more he spoke, the brighter the light got in his hazel eyes.

“I need you to understand two things though… One, I’ll never _want_ to replace Pauly. I understand that he was and will be the most special and precious being to you. I respect and accept that, Corey. I truly do. And two, I can never _be_ Pauly for you either. I’m not him and never will. I’m me, you know. Good ol’ Jimmy…” he smiled a bit then took a deep breath and looked Corey in the eye deadly serious. “But yes. I want you as mine. I guess that mark was my subconscious telling what I’ve been wanting for a long while now. You being mine.”

“Are you sure? I mean... Like you said, we know each other way fucking much and so you know what I am and how I can be. I kinda always loved you too Jim, more than a friend but a bit less than a partner, but the chance was always there. It's so soon after... all what happened but it doesn't feel wrong at all ‘cause of these things. I feel good with you and have been naturally drawn to you for decades. So...” the younger man was talking to his coffee till now, but lifted his dark blue eyes at Jim. “I want it too. And don't worry. It's... It's not the same… Paul was different. We were different with him. And I could never do that…” his voice failed him finally. He wanted to add that he could never make Jim just a substitute and use him like that. But as he just looked down, shaking and taking deep breaths to calm himself it probably sounded like the thing he could never do is to replace Paul with someone.

“Yes, I know you quite well and know how you can be. That doesn’t change my answer. I think we are good for each other.” From an outsider’s point of view that was true. It wasn’t only about Jim helping Corey through the shit and everything they’ve got through during the years. It was about the short man helping Jim in many different ways too. “I’m not sure you realized it before, but you’d taught a shit ton of things to me too since we’ve known each other. As I said, I had done a lot of new things I could never dream of doing before – all thanks to you, Cor. And I love you for that too, you know. You’ve shown me how to be more confident about my playing and writing. How to be more open… and you keep introducing me to new shit. Like this BDSM world. They all helped me grow and I’m grateful for that, man. I’ll never forget these things.”

Pausing Jim ran a hand through his damp hair, messing the drying waves up a bit without noticing. “I can feel that special connection between us. I always could,” he admitted. “I was just as drawn to you as you to me. I want to explore that further. And you have no fucking idea how glad I am to hear that this doesn’t feel like… weird to you so soon after…” he trailed off. “I was worried and felt a bit guilty about it, I admit. And I’m glad you understand my two points,” he nodded thankfully and paused for a few seconds, contemplating if he should ask what he wanted or not. Finally his curiosity won. “You say you two were different from you and me. How?”

“In many things. You have your on and off thing with booze too like I have, but you know I can sink lower into that. And Paul had his pills. We are addicts. With the unbalanced emotions and the steady depression behind it all. What we are now getting into slowly is a BDSM relationship. Because you look after me and in this situation after… all... we’re practically living together and you look after my needs and I want to make you feel good and kinda happy to show how grateful I am. Because I hugely am, Jim...” Corey looked up deep into the hazel eyes. Since he started talking like an automatic speaker this look was the first thing that held emotions, and a shit ton of them too.

“And… with Pauly, it was about letting the pressure out. We were fighting a lot too ‘cause one of us was always down or relapsing or something. We were best friends and soulmates in our joint chaos, and the sex we had happened to be BDSM and rough ‘cause we needed to feel more than the average,” the singer looked down again and shrugged at the end. “What you and I have was always steadier even as an occasional thing. With him, the raw feelings kept it together and on the edge at the same time. So… I don't know if you can even get something out of what I'm fucking babbling about. But you will understand if you read after it, or if you had done it already about how these work in practice.”

Jim nodded along a few times while his friend was talking. This was the first time he was open about Paul and the nature of the relationship he had with him. The more Corey talked, the more Jim understood. It was as if watching the puzzle pieces falling into place. Not just about them, but Corey and Jim too. Returning that deep look, the tall man wasn’t able to look away. The singer’s eyes were telling him nearly as much as his words. Swallowing hard he tried to calm his suddenly jumping heart. He would’ve lied if he said it didn’t feel good that Corey was grateful to him.

“Thank you. Now I understand a lot of things better. I know it’s hard for you to talk about these things, but as you said, I want to look after you. I wanted to do that since day one. It’s just how I’m wired, I guess. I promise I’ll read more into the different kind of BDSM relationships. I like it where we’re heading, you know. I think this is actually what we both need at the moment. And I’m not talking just about the mind-blowing sex, but the actual relationship part of it too,” he stared into his coffee mug too, lightly frowning as he was trying to express his thoughts. It was true. He saw a possible support in this relationship, which Jim himself needed too. Then he took a long sip from the lukewarm beverage. “It’s a lot to process, but I’ll try my best,” he glimpsed up at the singer. “I want us to work. But for now we should eat before breakfast gets cold,” he smiled lightly at his lover.

“Yeah...” the singer nodded, clearly lost in his own mind. He has to take better care of Jim too. Especially if he really wants to try this relationship thing with him. Until now he hadn't even thought about the true nature of the bond he and Paul shared. It was need. Yeah, the truth was that. The need to belong, to not feel alone while being fucked up, to belong to someone so positive and uplifting and loving as Paul was. To at least at times feel worthy of being with someone who accepts all his failures. And he was there to support Paul when the seemingly endless positive energy of him ran low. That alone was an addiction to them both. Paul wanted to get clean of him…

Corey got so lost in his thoughts that he didn't even realize his tears falling as he was eating automatically.

The food was excellent, but no surprise in that. Jim knew from first hand that Corey could make a mean eggs and bacon. Still, the guitarist couldn’t completely focus on his food because his mind was running a mile a minute, trying to process all the things he’d just learned about himself, themselves and Corey and Paul. Damn, he could’ve used something stronger than coffee, but he knew he couldn’t. Especially not in front of Corey.

Near finishing his food he looked up and noticed Corey’s silent tears. The sight itself made his heart sink and abandon his food to walk around the table and sit down next to his friend, sliding a hand on his back then up to his nape, keeping it there for silent support. “I’m sorry if it was too much to talk about. But we had to see clearly, you know.”

“I know,” Corey nodded slowly and stopped eating just staring ahead until his tears dried out. “Can we have a drink? Please? Just one? You can do anything with me I swear!” he groaned rubbing his face in his hands. He felt his head and whole being would explode from all the messed up swirling emotions he was feeling.

Jim quickly thought it trough. If he gave in, things could get more difficult, but on the other hand the sweet calling of alcohol was ringing in his own ears too. Yeah, he had his problems with booze and coke too in the past. It got nearly out of hand – there was a reason why he tried to kinda keep his distance from Corey for a while – and even nowadays sometimes it got hard to resist alcohol. One just had to remember the night he’d found Corey so fucking messed up in that van. And since then they both had some serious revelations about each other and themselves… Not to mention that looking into Corey’s clearly suffering eyes was something that was hurting Jim like fuck.

“Okay… alright. Just this once. I’m gonna drink with you. Let me just… go out for a minute. I’ll be back soon. Stay put,” he ordered without noticing it and with that he pressed a kiss on the top of the singer’s head while getting up and on his way out he grabbed his keys and wallet. Luckily there was a store like two blocks away so it took him less than ten minutes to get back with two bottles of Jack. Not bothering with glasses he simply pushed one of the bottles into the singer’s hand and uncapped his own, offering the bottom half of the bottle to clink it. “Fucking cheers, man…”

Corey sat there blinking at the empty spot where Jim used to be. He couldn't believe it for that ten minutes that Jim gave in. He already felt better physically from even the thought of drinking. And that was a huge warning, and he knew that. He had to be careful. For himself and for Jim too. 

But he clinked his bottle to Jim's with a happy "cheers" and gulped down a lot from the bottle. “Thanks, man. It's a lifesaver now.”

“I know. I need this probably just as much,” the tall man said after he took a good pull of his own bottle. “Let’s move this to the living room or something,” he grabbed his pack of cigarettes and lighter from the table. He slid them in his pants’ pocket he’d put on before leaving for the shopping. He took Corey’s hand and pulled him along, not giving him any time to object. Not like Jim would doubt that Corey would follow along. Not after giving him the alcohol he so needed. He knew it was dangerous waters they were diving in, but considering everything that’d happened so fast in the past days, he thought it was understandable to give in. Just once…

***

The singer giggled as he padded after Jim. Being a drinker and not drinking for a while had its advantages. Meaning that the alcohol kicks in super fast. Corey was already light-headed and flushed-cheeked as he dropped himself on the couch and took a big swig from his bottle. “Put on something more... energetic will ya, man!” he laughed. The endless acoustic fiddle was not fitting his mood as he lit his cigarette. Boy he needed this buzz in his head to numb all those bad thoughts.

Jim chuckled under his nose too as he dropped down next to Corey and grabbed the remote from the coffee table. Not giving a fuck if it was right or wrong, he switched the music to something more hardcore and fished out his cigarette and lighter from his pocket too to light one. Inhaling the smoke he leaned back on the couch, thigh touching Corey’s, bottle in his other hand from which he quickly took a good swig before talking. “Good enough for you, Corey?”

This was nice. They were just chilling, numbing their minds to forget all the shit. It was just Corey and Jim hanging out on a Friday morning, drinking and smoking… getting wasted without giving a fuck about the world.

“Much, much better,” Corey nodded puffing on his cig. Some much needed rest and hard metal always brightened his mood. He only had his boxers on still and looking over Jim, he had a button down shirt and jeans. Somehow the singer always got more controlling and demanding while drinking. Looking over the tall man humming to himself he just sipped more from the Jack. “So... And what about you, big guy? What you like in bed? Hmm?” he asked teasingly.

Jim looked over at Corey and took a good drag from his cig before answering. “Me?” he drank some too. “I guess I like a lot of things from vanilla to obviously hard fucking… Depends on my mood, you know. I think… sometimes I like to give the reins to my partner. Other times… I’m starting to understand that I like being in control too… Quite the paradox, huh?” he chuckled and drank some more, already starting to feel the strong booze in his head and it was a very fucking welcomed feeling.

“You're saying that you like it _all_ then?” Corey pushed that "all" meaningfully. “We have to get to a more detailed list though,” he chuckled and stubbed out his cig in the astray and turning to Jim he ran his fingertips down his chest.

The other man lightly shivered from the touch on his chest as he kept an eye on Corey but drank at the same time before answering. “I guess I do… Although I was never fucked,” he stated. “I liked to do the fucking. Let it be girls or boys,” he shrugged. “Soft or hard, whatever the situation needed.” He was thankful for the booze in that moment, because otherwise Jim wasn’t sure he would’ve stated these intimate things so boldly.

“You weren’t? I thought you went all the way when we were forming the band and that drummer guy was all over you,” the singer laughed drinking more and patting the chest of his mate. “And if I remember right, and even drunk or else I remember things,” he chuckled “you said you are curious and experimenting. Now you surprised me. Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome Virgin Guy,” he laughed again but turned close, pressing his almost naked body to Jim's and pressed a kiss to the soft lips too.

“Well… we did some things, yeah… but in the end I was the one who fucked him, not the other way around,” Jim chuckled a bit, building a nice buzz meanwhile. He wanted to laugh again from Corey’s endearment, but then he felt his lips on his and the need to drink subsided in favor of returning the singer’s kiss. It made his whole body tingle again, which was something to say after two mind-blowing orgasms before breakfast. “I wasn’t ready, I guess,” he mumbled onto Corey’s lips as he sucked and bit on them, their tongues meeting every now and then. “Why you so interested?” he asked teasingly.

“Hmm... I'm a curious guy… Always want to try out... stuff,” Corey giggled onto his lips and popped the first two buttons open on Jim's shirt, pushing his warm hand under it to caress the soft skin, moaning as he basically sucked out the tongue of his mate. “Now you're ready?” he asked after pulling back to pant on his lips.

Jim had to tighten his grip on the neck of his half-empty bottle not to drop it. It was too fucking easy to get himself lost when Corey was kissing and touching him. What the hell was this man doing to him? Yeah, he had male lovers before, but none could compare to this one fucking amazing man pressed against his side and stroking and kissing him just the right way. How was Corey able to make him feel like a teen again? While they were both very far from that. They were fucking grown men, for fuck’s sake!

That one question though… It made Jim think for a sec and turned his head away to take a good swig from his Jack – liquid courage, as they say. “Dunno. Probably,” he grabbed Corey’s wrist to lead his hand down between his legs so the singer could feel Jim’s answer there.

Corey smirked smugly and grabbed onto the hard long meat tight, pulling on it a few times and moved his hand lower, trying to see how Jim reacts while he trapped those soft lips again in a heated kiss.

The hand on his trapped cock was a welcomed feeling. Something the guitarist was familiar with at least. Though he wished he didn’t have his jeans on so he could feel an immediate contact with Corey’s hand. Fuck, he was getting rock-hard again…

Returning the kiss he let the strong buzz help him get lost in the exciting sensations after putting his bottle down on a small side table next to the couch they were half-lying on. The thought of opening his legs for someone – even if it was Corey – was a bit scary but exciting at the same time. Though he couldn’t voice any of his thoughts so he’d decided to help the booze and Corey himself carry him along and when the singer’s fingers slid on his jeans-covered balls and lower, Jim groaned and bucked against the hand encouragingly.

The smaller man was not new to such games. His fingers traced the lines of the once again tightening balls. His fingers moved lower and traced the lines of Jim's thighs lower, testing if he can make those long legs open up. The thought of those legs around his waist was something that made his aroused growls escape his throat and bite down on Jim's lip. His head was spinning but through his drunken state and all he knew Jim very well, his self-consciousness and his issues with venturing into new grounds. So he pulled back from the kiss and kept caressing the guitarist down there. “Spit your thoughts, babe… Only what you want to.”

There was no denying that Jim was aroused yet again and that hand between his legs and on his thighs felt more than good. He wanted it to happen, yet he was fighting with his mixed up feelings while kissing Corey back as if there was no tomorrow. He came close to this in the past, but danced back and – as he said – ended up fucking his partner instead. He was lucky, because the guys he had had sex with were either submissive or versatile and Jim could play it off with acting as if a wave of dominance or something washed over him. But in truth he had his doubts. It was as if he was waiting for something – or someone. Maybe Corey.

Even if it was Corey, everything Jim had learned in such a short time and the possibility of being taken by the one man he’s been fantasizing about doing this with were overwhelming. “I… I think I want it. I want it to be you… to do it…” he said on a breathless voice while his hips were bucking up against the exploring fingers, the tip of his trapped cock already starting to leave a damp spot on his worn jeans. “I’m almost ready… I swear. Just… give me some time? I want to be taken by you… I do, believe me…” he panted, all Corey’s actions driving him crazy with lust because Jim was already imagining how it would feel, even if he felt kinda insecure about his body and the whole situation as it was brand new territory to him, which he usually approached with caution. “Can you understand?” he opened his hazy eyes to look into the singer’s from close, silently begging that he could.

All Corey could hear first was that Jim wanted him to do it… How come? How come someone as great and gorgeous would want that serious step taken with him... His head was spinning and he was grinning like mad. They were not teens. With time these lines get wider to jump over. He knew. He asked ‘cause he knew his best friend way too well. His heart melted now, though... 

“Sure I do! You can tell me anything. Even no. Or that you need time. If you really want it to happen, we can take it slow… Like step by step to let you get more confident in this? You want that Jimmy?” As he spoke his hands moved up and gently and reassuringly smoothed the length of the hard meat and Jim's hips. “You are safe with me always, you know that?”

“Fuck…” Jim pressed his eyes shut as he nodded a few times. Yes, he fucking knew and for some reason even that knowledge was getting damn overwhelming. His left hand slid up on Corey’s lower back, fingers digging into his flesh lightly to hold on to him as if he was afraid there was no stopping if he tipped over and spiraled downwards. Which would probably come one day anyways. But not for now. Corey seemed to truly understand him and that made the guitarist sigh with relief.

“You’re safe with me too, Cor…” he finally found his slightly-out-of-breath voice and pulled the other man closer by his nape until they were nearly nose-to-nose. “And yes, I want it. Thank you…” he whispered on the swollen lips he’s been chewing on previously. His own was throbbing from a few passionate bites too, but he loved it.

Maybe to kinda cover up his insecurities and to prove that he did want Corey and that he was nearly ready, he pushed him back on the couch until the singer was lying on his back, his big body covering him while they were kissing again. This situation reminded Jim of that backstage night where they had ended up in a similar position. But this time Jim’s mouth started moving south, maybe wanting to give something in return for his lover’s understanding and patience. Judged by the sounds his lips around Corey’s freed cock seemed like quite a good idea to do so.

Corey wanted to protest. He really, really fucking wanted to speak and tell Jim that he didn't need to, and he was okay to stop, and so much more… But when he opened his mouth – right when Jim's closed around his erection – all that came out of it were some moans and hisses. The man was a pro for sure, the singer only expected the well-known perfectionist to be a specialist in giving blow jobs. As that tongue rolled around his length and folded it… Fuck... He surely had received a shit ton of blow jobs but this had to be the best of all, ever!!! And that was not only the booze talking. His mate sucking him off lovingly, yet roughly enough for his taste to get his cock jerking and leaking in mere fucking seconds... Damn it James.

Corey was left breathless and overly aroused very fast, and as they were busy before too, he knew he wasn't going to last for long now anyway. His hands caressed the long hair of the other man, looking at the vision before him with his heart melting and Corey only could think and mumble low about how fucking fantastic and beautiful it was...

That damned taste… It got to Jim every fucking time he could taste the singer on his tongue and it only encouraged him to pleasure him as best as he could. Yeah, he knew how to make a man feel good while getting head, but Corey has always been special in this department too. And Jim just realized that as he put in a few extra moves, his long fingers playing with the singer’s balls and the sensitive skin behind them, his tongue and lips playing sensually but at the same time wildly on the hard shaft as he took more.

His other hand was resting in the middle of the heaving chest, right over the tattoo in the middle. He ignored himself for now although his jeans were uncomfortably tight by then. His complete focus was on sucking Corey’s brain out through his cock and by the sounds and the pre-cum in his mouth Jim was close to succeed in that. “Come on… give it to me. I wanna taste you,” he puffed against that wet and perfect cock which he licked along a few times before sucking it back deep into his mouth. A few moves and rubbing behind Corey’s balls ended in Jim deep-throating him and fighting his own gag reflex. Then he was repeating it over and over again, his hazel eyes like two beacons watching and enjoying the singer’s reactions.

Fuck, Jim had skills, and he was fucking evolving… What the shit? Where did he learn that thing he was doing with his throat...???? It was too much for Corey's over-sensitive body and senses. It didn't take long to make his fist tighten in the long hair and come in the hot mouth with the sounds of a bleeding out beast, cursing over and over breathless and weak while panting for air.

He was so, so fucking lost. He felt it in the middle of his chest, right next to Jim's warm hand.

His lover was so fucking beautiful as he was falling apart right in front of Jim’s eyes, his “dying” sounds making the guitarist’s cock throb urgently. But first he made sure to swallow everything Corey was giving him. The taste made him moan around the cumming cock then he made quick work of cleaning every last bit off, left hand staying on the singer’s chest.

Kneeling up the other quickly, nearly aggressively opened those damned jeans and then Jim was moaning low from finally touching his long cock that he freed. His left was keeping Corey pinned to the couch while the other was jerking himself rougher and faster than he did with his lover. The pleasure was balancing on painful and it didn’t take long for Jim to aim and shoot his load across Corey’s groin and stomach, accompanied by some unarticulated yells and groans until there was nothing left and he practically collapsed half-way on the singer.

Yes. He abso-fucking-lutely wanted this…and much more…


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

_“Now... I can finally be myself  
Cuz I don't want to be myself…”_

Someone was chewing up his left arm. Probably Sid, turned into a shark. No! His left arm went numb. He was sleeping on the couch. He got drunk. Jim was lying on his left side. Jim was drunk too. Oh fuck. Oh yeah, they did that too. Smirking and still with closed eyes Corey tried to wiggle away a bit from the bigger body. And rolled to the right. And landed with a loud thud on his face and stomach on the floor, cursing and groaning.

He dared to slowly open his eyes then. The sun was high and was shining way too brightly. It pierced right into his brain. Yeah, his good old friend, hangover visited him once again. Probably the most stable relationship he EVER had. It never stayed long, but that was okay. But once it appeared he came more and more often. 

The singer sighed and rubbed his face hard. Yeah he was slipping back. His hands were already shaking and he felt his stomach in a slight cramp. _Oh well…_ , he thought. It was all right now. He could go into these thoughts once he fetched the bottle from the table and downed the remains in it.

_For some reason the guys wanted to change up his mask. They were surrounding him – except for Corey. Jim couldn’t see Corey anywhere and he was trying to see better over the heads of the others who kept talking to him, trying to convince Jim it was for the best._

_What was for the best? He was confused as he looked down at the others, Mick holding Paul’s mask in his hands._

_“Put it on.”_

_“What? No. Why?”_

_“Put it on!” the others demanded too and now Jim was trying to back away from them but they were all crowding him, wanting to put on that mask. Which was fucking disrespectful and he didn’t want that. He wasn’t Paul. They just buried their friend. Why were they doing this to him? And where was Corey?_

With a jerk he surfaced and grunted on the couch, cracking his eyes open as he tried to let the dream and its fucked up pictures drift away. Where was he? What the fuck happened? Why was he on the couch? Did he fall asleep? Whoa, headache. The hangover kind. Fuck. And where was Corey?

Turning his lightly throbbing head to the side he saw both bottles empty. He could’ve sworn he’d left nearly one fourth of his in it before… things got heated between him and the singer.

“Cor?” Jim asked hoarsely as he pushed himself up into a sitting position. At least the room didn’t start spinning. But his mouth tasted like ass. Yeah, they got drunk and then they had an interesting conversation that ended up in sex. They had a lot of sex in the morning.

Straightening up he had to stretch to get the kinks out of his back as much as possible. Fucking couch… Water. Toothbrush. Peeing. Corey. Seemed like a legit order to follow.

Inside the music room Corey didn't hear any of the calling Jim made. With his favorite guitar in his hand and a light buzz in his head he was playing melody after melody lost in his world.   
All the thoughts of what was forming and happening between them was trying to enter his brain and make him think it all over to make some sense of it. But he didn't want that at all. He was okay like this. Cuddling close to the love he felt for Paul and playing depressed love songs. And while playing those and lost in his tended emotions the visions of Jim smiling at him and holding him down by his chest kept coming back to him. All the memories of them from years back.... Fuck... He needed more alcohol.

While brushing his teeth then washing his face Jim was lost in his own thoughts too. The disturbing pictures of his dream were coming back time after time, no matter how much he tried to think of other things to stop it. And the slight but familiar throbbing in his head wasn’t helping either.

The dream itself was probably a manifestation of his own insecurities. He’d promised Shawn (and the guys) that he’d take care of Corey. Maybe they even expected it since Jim was the closest to him now that Pauly was gone. But the way they were kinda forcing this role on him in the dream was still disturbing to the tall man. It was additional pressure to this new relationship they’ve started building. Now that the guitarist knew more about this world Corey lived in, he was starting to recognize the hints when they had played in the past.

Of course now Jim would have to pay more attention and he wanted to do some serious research not to fuck this up. But the fact that his… relationship with Corey was different from what he had with Pauly was at least reassuring. Not that Jim wasn’t feeling doubt and some fear. But not because of doing this relationship. It was more about failing Corey. To be good and enough for him. He also had to find a way to come over his insecurities, he knew. So that he could let the other man in more. And let him fuck him.

Groaning Jim ran his hands through the nest of messy dark hair. Maybe he should cut it some time, he thought, but the random thought was gone as fast as it came. Now he had to find Corey and ignore the stones in his stomach. And also that little voice in his head that said some more booze would help him loosen up.

He finally found his friend in the music room. Seeing him there made it a little easier to breathe, because his mind had already started painting some fucked up pictures. Like finding him in a similar situation like in the van, or not finding him at all. Like in his dream.

“Hey ya, Jimmy!” Corey looked up suspiciously cheerful and giddy. He couldn't help it. His heart was doing back flips from the sight of the worn out man. “You feelin’ okay? You look tired. Want to go get some hamburgers?” he spoke fast and underlined his words with some guitar playing. He just wanted to feel good. Have fun. Feel this easy "being in love again" feeling and live it and enjoy it. No thinking. No past. No future. Just right here and now and feeling good. Yep. He is a helpless depressed addict. But who cares now...

 _Those fucking long, thick blond eyelashes fanning out against Corey’s slightly flushed cheeks…_ That was the first thought Jim had once stopping by the door. He couldn’t help it. He always found Corey beautiful and noticing such small details of the man with his favorite guitar made Jim’s heart beat a little faster every fucking time.

As their eyes met, he saw it. As Corey started talking on a cheerful and fast voice, Jim heard it. That’s where the rest of the booze went… Clearing his throat he smiled at his lover as he walked closer, but somehow it didn’t fully reach the guitarist’s eyes. Jim knew this addiction well since he shared it with his friend. Sometimes there were periods when it was easier for Jim to resist the siren call of booze and coke, sometimes it was fucking hard not to get lost in them. That’s probably why he smoked pot on a regular basis, to keep his own addictions in reins.

“I’m good. Just tired. Yeah, some burgers sound good,” he said as he stopped next to the sitting man and couldn’t help but lean down to press a soft kiss against his lips. Yeah, now he could taste it too. Yet he didn’t have the heart to wipe that smile off the singer’s face. “Let me grab my wallet and keys. I’ll drive,” he said. “Come on, let’s put some food in our stomachs.” With that he took the guitar from Corey and carefully put it on its stand before helping him up so they could get going.

“You're the best a puppy could wish for!” Corey giggled hugging Jim's neck and stood on his tiptoes to kiss the lips of his mate. Jim was so tall, he always adored it. “It's a pity though...” he added as he got some clothes on too while Jim was collecting his keys and wallet. Skipping next to him by the front door he grinned up cheerfully. “Readyyyy… I want cheese fries with jalapeño too.”

"What's the pity?" Jim asked after returning the second kiss. Okay, he had to admit that a drunk Corey was always fun to be around. He often acted as a kid on a sugar high. Or... a puppy. "Puppy, huh?" he raised a brow questioningly as he locked the door behind them and put an arm around Corey's shoulders to keep him close and to make sure he didn't fall flat on his pretty face.

His last word though reminded Jim of a conversation they had had earlier. Okay, a kind of conversation mixed with sex. "Why is that your safe word?"

“That we can never ever fuck just standing ‘cause your hips is around my lower back,” he made a fake pout then giggled. “Ahhhh don't worry. I fucking love fucking with you in other ways too,” he added while almost tripping. As he usually did in this state. Good thing that Jim got him. “Imma puppy. Paul didn't tell you? I always was with everyone. Can't you see? Aaaaannnd... Cause I love jalapeño,” he nodded a few times, like assuring himself and went quiet sitting next to Jim.

"Well... I can always pin you to the wall and lift you to the right position..." Jim mused with a real grin this time and automatically held Corey a bit tighter when he tripped. Once he was sitting in the passengers' seat buckled up and Jim started his car, the other man put his shades on from the annoying (and hurting) sun. His head was still not that clear after the booze and the little sleep. "Yeah well, I guess you're right. You act like a puppy a lot of times. Just never really thought about that," he said putting the car in gear then he focused on the road, humming to the jalapeño comment.

“Yeah… I always was a puppy to my loves…” Corey nodded again, keeping his saddening eyes at the window next to him. Up and down. That's the life and mood of a drinker.

The place they usually ate was not far. And dropping on a seat on the terrace where he could smoke was perfect for the singer. He was still quiet and closing in as the alcohol was leaving his system. He puffed his cig and frowned at the sun. “Can I have an ice coffee too, Jim? Or an ice hat for that matter?” he groaned. Getting hungry and sober was never really making his mood. “And thanks. For… putting up with me,” he smiled up at the other warmly. But he had to eat now before passing out.

The other man simply nodded wondering if he was now one of Corey’s loves too, but he didn’t dwell on that question for long. One should only look at that warm smile (that Jim liked to think was only for him) to see that Corey did love him quite a lot. No news there.

“Of course you can. Not sure about the ice hat though,” he returned the smile. Of course he noticed (and recognized) the signs of Corey coming down from his alcohol-high, but like before, Jim didn’t call him on it, just let him be. Waving for the cute waitress he ordered burgers for both, cheese fries with jalapeno and ice-coffee for Corey and a strong black coffee for himself. The smiling girl scribbled everything down into her notepad before disappearing inside.

Lighting a cigarette Jim could focus back on Corey. “Of course. I love you, man. I like to think you’d do the same for me.”

“I would always. And did too a few times. Vice versa,” the singer smiled again tenderly looking deep into Jim's eyes. “I think… I mean… I love you too, Jim,” he said and bit his lip quickly then nodded taking a long drag from his cig. He hoped the message got through, though. He has to face his feelings for his friend and so tell him.

The food arrived and he just dived into all the tastes and spices with an occasional moan as his empty and alcohol scratched stomach started to get full and happy. Picking up a slice of jalapeño he got lost in his thoughts. “Do you remember Angie's mother? She said that our love is like picked jalapeño. Sour and hot and it burns us, yet addictive and so good. So that's why.”

The tall man’s heart leaped and his hand with the cigarette he was about to take a drag from paused mid-air from that look and quiet words. The brown eyes softened further and a light blush colored his cheeks. The happiness was clear in his eyes from Corey’s words. He always found it strange how a few words could make someone happy so easily. “Thanks, Cor…” he whispered. _I needed to hear this_ , he thought but didn’t voice it.

He thanked the waitress for the food then they ate quietly for a while. It was good to see Corey eating with such joy. He needed the sustenance after all the booze. Focusing on his own food and thoughts for a while, Jim looked up nodding only when he heard his friend. “Yeah, I remember her. And I see. It makes sense, man. Thanks for telling me.”

The smaller man just nodded, still lost in thoughts and eating. Sipping on his ice coffee he looked at his friend for long. They have to talk things over about them.

“How far did you read into these relationships? You asked what we are now. So, since you said you want it, we are mates now. You are my master and I am your pet. And that brings up all kinds of shit to talk over with our brothers and family too.”

The not so unexpected change of subject still made Jim’s hangover mind a bit dizzy. Although he knew that sooner or later they would have to talk these things over. Rather sooner than later, yeah. Thinking about talking to the guys and others about this suddenly made Jim’s palms sweat as he was putting some sugar in his coffee. He didn’t know if he was ready for that. Not when everything was so new and confusing to him.

To buy some time he started stirring the coffee and quickly glimpsed around to make sure no fan or paparazzi was lurking around. “Not that far. Wasn’t sure which sites were reliable. You could like… recommend a few. Or teach me. Or if it’s easier for you, you could put me in contact with another dom you might know. You know, so I can consult with him or something…” he trailed off and quickly drank from his coffee, looking at Corey’s healing shoulder that was hidden under his tee, but Jim’s mark was there nonetheless and the guitarist had to look to remind and maybe reassure himself about the decision he’d made. He can do this.

“You really want this? That's important to know. For yourself mostly,” Corey said on a low voice. He hoped Jim wouldn't dance back. He had decided he would make Jim happy in all the ways he could and the bond that was there during their years was still present. No lie about that. He had some ideas about his mate's struggles with his feelings while he was using him to make Paul jealous or just to keep his sexual energies at bay. But they were always more than fuck buddies. He had lost Paul. He can't lose Jim. They are best friends from so long and been through rehab and so much shit from both bands. He just cannot fuck this up now for Jim.

“I help you in all you need, man. Just tell me. Ask what you need… You know me, right? The stupid geek kid who always speaks his mind and never stops. You can ask anything. I want to make this right for you.”

“Yes. I still want this… Can we just… talk about this somewhere else?” he asked starting to get uncomfortable as a new group of people, some youngsters took a seat by a table not far from them. Their cheerful laughter and conversation was irritating Jim all of a sudden. “Come on, let’s go for a ride,” he said finishing his coffee and putting more than enough money and tip on the table under the saucer.

Getting up from his seat he glimpsed at Corey to make sure he followed and then he was heading towards his truck. If they were going to be talking about this now, he didn’t want an audience or end up in the papers ‘cause of it.

“Okay, man,” Corey understood the worry. There was probably enough shit around now because of Paul and the band. They were in their home town and relatively safe, but one can never know when the friendly neighbor wants to make a few extra bucks by selling a story to the papers.

Getting in the car and taking off, his mind got a feeling he couldn't shake. But first Jimmy…   
“Tell me then. We're alone now.”

Jim’s hands tightened around the wheel as his eyes were focused on the road. He was kinda grateful for his idea of driving around in town. It gave his always restless hands a purpose and since he had to keep an eye on the road, it saved him from having to look straight into Corey’s eyes. It was easier to talk about his insecurities to the windshield. He knew he was probably acting stupid, but he couldn’t help it. There were times – especially after getting wasted the previous night – that Jim’s emotions and insecurities got stronger and managed to mess him up. He could usually hide it well with his silence or goofing around, but Corey deserved better than that. Besides, the singer was right. They had to talk about these things. Jim knew it would only make things worse if he didn’t open his fucking mouth to voice what was rattling in his mind.

“I don’t know where to start with this. It’s huge. As I said earlier, I don’t want to fuck up.” There. It was a start.

“I don't want to fuck this up for you either. So spit it out, Jimmy. All the thoughts while you’re trying to squeeze the wheel to death. I’m listening,” Corey said stroking the long thigh of his mate reassuringly. He had his own issues building up inside. But now he wanted Jim to speak all his mind about this all then he would react.

“Okay… Okay…,” he mumbled under his nose, Corey’s touch on his thigh helping a bit to keep his emotions at bay. “Where do I start this BDSM thing… role? I mean… obviously I have more idea about the sex part of such a relationship… And I can take care of you in our everyday life too. When you let me. But… how do I do the more subtle things? What are your limits? I don’t even know mine yet, I think…” he inhaled deeply and took a right turn then ran his right hand through his hair, a nervous habit, before dropping it on Corey’s that was still resting on the guitarist’s thigh.

“And what do you want to tell the guys? And family?” he trailed off once more and lightly squeezed the singer’s hand. Yeah, he was kinda scared and today he couldn’t hold his emotions back. Was he already failing Corey? After all he’d told Jim he was like his calm rock on the sea. Something he loved in Jim. But it seemed pieces of that rock were getting loose.

“I think… I think we have to find out those both. I mean this is a new ground also for me. The sex part and taking care of part you do perfectly,” he turned his hand to hold Jim's and squeeze it. “The guys are the easy part. We don't have to tell much. They'll know anyway,” he shrugged looking out on the road. He has to be a better support for Jim in this. Fuck he, himself didn't even know how to dive into this yet.  “Dunno. I will have to speak with Angie…” the singer sighed deep and long. “My limits are very loose. I can't take electric shocks but if the mood is right many other things can come. Maybe... maybe we should just discover all this about how it would work for us together... What is that you have read and think you could never do?”

“Alright…” Jim laced their fingers together, loving how much smaller Corey’s hand was compared to his. The praising words reassured Jim enough to relax some more and stop himself from turning to the left where he knew a liquor store. Instead he licked his dry lips and took the opposite turn.

Corey was right. This was new for him too and Jim couldn’t forget that. “Discovering these stuff together sounds very good to me, man,” he nodded and finally looked at his lover for a long moment, his eyes grateful and calmer behind his shades than they were a few minutes ago.

“Yeah, I’m sure the guys will know it. Especially Shawn,” he chuckled a bit from the memories of all the times Clown had found Jim and Corey cuddling and stuff. “I trust them all,” he said. It was true. They were his brothers through thick and thin.

“Electricity isn’t appealing to me either. Nor is that crazy stuff with poop. No thank you,” he mumbled. “And no serious permanent markings on either of us. I couldn’t do that to you. The kind that… more or less… heals with time is okay though. They are sexy as fuck if you ask me…” he said a bit hoarser remembering again his claiming bite on the singer’s shoulder. “The rest we can figure out together, as you said. Thanks man, I was nearly losing my shit here,” he laughed a bit nervously. They never had to talk about such deep shit with Corey before, but their loose relationship in the past now became something much more and deeper that required such talks. Things were quickly changing. Jim just hoped he would be able to keep up.

“Hmm I think your limits are my limits too. I like role play too. And blood… You know… stuff that comes by instinct. And everyone knows blood is one of my fetishes,” he shrugged. No need to get shy about this stuff when all the band knew and saw him cutting himself and smearing his blood. He was what he was. Gave up long time ago to try to be something else. He will try now for Jim. Hopefully he will be able for a little.

“I… I can't promise I will be stable and okay. But I don't expect you to be different than you always were either. You know that? I mean... It's all new but I want us to be what we are. And you know I couldn't be better than I am.”

“It seems we are quite the match,” Jim chuckled low. “I’m more than okay with role play and blood is okay too, Cor.” Yeah, Jim could remember how the singer could get with blood. _Maybe he was a vampire or something in a previous life_ , he snorted to himself. Not that the guitarist would have a problem with that substance. He was good with substances, remember?

“I can’t promise to be always okay either. It’s fine, I guess. I mean. I don’t want to force a role on you. I want you to be you. Just maybe happier? I want to help keeping your head above the tide,” he whispered the last sentence, rubbing the calloused pad of this thumb against his friend’s hand.

“I'm trying,” the singer held the big hand tighter. Lost in his thoughts for a little. He couldn't promise to stay sober either. But maybe that was well-known for Jim after that being said many times before.

“Please take me to the cemetery,” he said low, lowering his eyelids. He had to be with Paul on his own. Not with all the people around. “I have to...” he whispered looking up at Jim.

They slowed down by a red light so it gave Jim some time to lift Corey’s hand to his lips and kiss it without thinking. “I know you’re trying and I’m proud of you for that, Cor. I really am,” he smiled reassuringly at him then let the singer’s hand go to lean over for a peck on the lips.

Then he glimpsed up at the changing light, but looked back down into Corey’s sad blue eyes. “Sure. I get it,” he said and only understanding and support radiated from him. When an asshole honked twice from behind, Jim simply pushed his long arm out of the open window and flipped the bird at the asshat while putting the car into gear to turn on the road that would take them to the nearby cemetery. It seemed Jim was already subconsciously nearing the place. He himself wanted to “talk” to Paul and say goodbye on his own. But first he’ll let Corey do that while hanging back.

After murmuring a "thanks" Corey got lost in his emotions.

***

He was grateful that Jim let him go ahead and be alone with Paul a little. When he reached the grave he couldn't stand. He immediately dropped down to his knees before the big sealing plate that had his smiling mate's carved image on it. He can't come back now. Not like he was, not to that body and person. He wanted to tell him all what was going on in his brain but no words came out of his mouth. Only a muffled sorry every once in a while as he lowered himself into a ball over the grave, crying low. No words needed anyway. Paul probably knew. He always knew without words. And Corey told him everything through his soul that he felt still connected and calling for the spirit trapped in that monument.

The guitarist hung back and watched Corey at the grave from afar. It was fucking hard to stay put and not go over to comfort the crying man, but Jim knew he needed some time alone with his lost love.

“Fuck…” he huffed hoarsely, sniffing a few times as he fished a cigarette out of the pack and lit it up. He sat down on a marble grave’s edge and propped his arms on his knees, head hung low. Running a hand through his hair he kept puffing smoke into the air, his own silent tears escaping his burning eyes. He thought he understood and felt Corey’s pain. Or at least a part of it. Losing a soulmate was the kind of pain he could only imagine, but seeing his friend in such a state was horrible for the tall man.

Not to mention that his own grief was choking him up too. Looking out for Corey has been helping Jim to focus on something, but he knew it wasn’t healthy to lock up this pain inside. Though he tried not to think of anything just focus on his second cigarette while listening to the chirping of the birds and the distant sounds of traffic. Fuck, he hated cemeteries. Especially when they held dear friends and family. Trying to fight his guilt he was feeling about not being there enough for Paul, he wiped his face and sniffed a few times, waiting and trying to collect his thoughts about what he was going to tell Paul.

As the pain tried to swallow him up again, through his tears Corey saw the picture of Paul. Sunglasses and smiling. Always smiling. He was helping them all and wanted Corey to be happy. To be confident and encourage them all to do what they feel like and want. Slipknot could thank so much for Paul for the ideas to make their music special. And even Stone Sour for that matter, that Cor and Jim went back and started a different thing with that sleeping project. He was the force that kept pushing them further. Telling Corey to write it all out. The nightmares, the pain, the insanity, all that was inside him… He has to.

“I'm sorry Piggy...” he started on a whisper. “I will look after the band and the others. I will make you proud of me. I will never leave you again. I promise. I promised before and failed you. I'm so sorry… I will continue your work here and make everyone know how great you were. I swear Piggy,” he breathed looking over the flowers around the statutes and many cards from the fans. They have to carry on. He has to do as he just promised.

Trying to gather himself he took a deep breath and wiping his face he started to talk about Jim and him. Not really coherent just what he felt and as it came to his mind. Paul will understand. He looked over only seeing Jim afar then leaned down pressing a kiss to the plate. No matter what, Paul would be a part of him forever. So he has to do what he promised. He stood and walked to Jim.

Jim’s eyes were probably as red and puffy as Corey’s, but he didn’t care just stubbed out his cigarette and stood once the singer got to where he was. With an understanding look he stepped closer to him to cradle his head in a big palm and press a long comforting kiss on the shorter man’s forehead. “Back in a few minutes. Wait for me,” he said then left Corey there to walk to Paul’s grave himself.

He took a deep breath, re-reading the carved plate, his eyes lingering on Paul’s smiling picture as Jim slid his hands into his jeans’ pockets. “Hey, Pauly…” he cleared his throat and looked into the distance. “I’m sorry, you know. For not trying to help you more. But then again… I’m not sure you’d have let me… or any of us. We’ve been all battling with our demons. I’m just… sorry it came to this. We’re gonna fucking miss you, man…” Jim’s voice failed him and he needed a few moments to collect himself and be able to go on.

“I’ll try my best to keep Corey safe. I know how close the two of you were and… he’d probably talked about us already. I feel a bit guilty for getting together with him so soon after you… but I’m afraid he wouldn’t make it if there wasn’t someone he can lean on. You know him better than anyone… you know how he can get... I promise you to help and love him in any form he might need and I can give. I’m gonna try to stay strong for both of us… Fuck… This is so fucked up!” he looked down at the carved portrait and could practically hear Paul’s laugh he’d fucking miss too.

“I hope you’re okay with that, man. But then you always wanted what’s best for Cor. Even if it meant pushing him away. I’ll try to help him, although I can’t guarantee anything. He’s gonna love you the most till the end, you know. But I don’t mind. What you two have is a special bond I accept. I won’t ask much from him. Only what he can give. He’ll be looked after. Not just by me but our brothers and family too.”

He kept talking for a couple of more minutes then he thanked Paul for taking such huge part in all of their lives. Crouching down he stroked along the portrait then wiped off his tears and cleared his throat as he walked back to Corey, automatically sliding an arm around him to hug him close. This visit was fucking hard for both of them. But necessary at the same time.

***

Months were passing by and the show had to go on, as always. Corey went to the graveyard daily, and tried to be as what he promised to Paul. Be there for the others, be a frontman the band needed. Handle the fans, work with the bands. At times it was easier than at other times.

He has practically moved in with Jim. They had their ups and downs and drinking sessions as well as fuck fests. The singer kept his more rapid drinking and his inner guilt and insanity hidden enough. Or Jim didn't say anything about it. No matter. The bands were rolling, and he put his sadness into songs, which was assuring everyone that he was healing. 

The truth was that he was falling more and more for Jim and it horrified Corey. It came so easily to feel love for Jim. The sex was out of this world. They ended up just making love a lot more than doing it rough. But the rough was also on higher levels. Mostly playing roles of a bad puppy being punished, which got more and more bloody and raw with time, satisfying the singer's appetite to deeply live out his hidden guilt. And for Jim to feed something darker in him.

They tried not to think much. Just be and live day by day as it came. The next day they were going to take off to play the first gig without the lefty pig, and that caused mixed up emotions in all of them.

Looking over the bags once more and trying to think what they would forget, Corey walked over the rooms and looked at the shelves. Then dropped down on the bed with a giving up sigh. That's that. Jim went out for some dinner, he should be back soon. Then his eyes caught a strange glint from the half-open drawer from Jim's nightstand. Opening it he could only whisper a surprised curse as he held a framed picture of him and Jim from years back. What a romantic...

It wasn’t easy. In the first few weeks since that day in the cemetery most of Jim’s energies were spent on keeping Corey together (which of course wasn’t a burden, he was happy to help him), learning more about the BDSM world (and himself), dealing with some press and updating the other guys on some things. He barely had time to play his beloved guitars, so he often slid out of bed in the middle of the night after he was sure Corey was fucked into oblivion and padded to the music room to give in to his biggest passion (and addiction): playing one of his guitars.

Other times things were good when they were both in a better mood and were just hanging out either with each other or sometimes one of the guys or family. Jim even showed a few chords to Griffin one time. He kept his eyes on Corey too. He seemed more collected and motivated to write his sorrow out in his songs and music. He practically threw himself into the bands’ stuff. Which most would consider progress. Jim wasn’t that sure about it, but he didn’t want to call Corey on it in fear that he’d clam up and push Jim away. They were doing well in their relationship and Jim thought he was getting better in the Dom role too. Once he knew more about the basics, he quickly got a hang of it. Now he could do the more subtle things too. Like a calming, comforting or exciting touch or gesture, making sure Corey ate and slept regularly, got his favorite brand of coffee and so on.

To tell the truth, Jim was falling for him hard. He knew it and finally dared to admit it to himself. While Corey was away taking care of his kids and spending time with them, Cristina came for a few days long friendly visit to Jim. It didn’t take long for her to figure out that something was up with Jim and the guitarist finally cracked open and told her everything. Well, she already knew more or less about how Jim was with Corey. Jim considered himself lucky to have someone support him like her – especially when she told him not to feel guilty about his feelings for the singer but rather embrace it since both men needed each other so badly at the moment.

So after that conversation Jim was calmer about this at least and he let himself love the short man. It was liberating – and yeah, sometimes painful but all in all he was happy with Corey. He wondered how things would go during the tour they had to do now since they already had stuff booked before their break to start working on the new album. That was going to be hard too.

Everything was packed for their departure and they’d decided that Jim would run out for some dinner since neither of them was in the mood to cook. On his way back home the musician was going through a few lists in his mind, making sure that all his equipment were taken care of. He checked his bags three times already so he was set with those at least.

Entering the house he put the bags of food down in the kitchen and went to look for Corey. Whom he found in the bedroom on the bed, looking at that framed picture of them. Jim instantly blushed, but tried to play it off as if it wasn’t a big deal. “I love that pic of us,” he shrugged after clearing his voice and walking to the bed to sit down next to him.

“You kept it next to your bed and fantasized about me, admit it!” Corey pushed him with his shoulder, playfully laughing. “It's so old,” he kept looking at it smiling, he had a bit more than shoulder long hair, the light blond bleach half-way grown down; Jim without a beard, from around the time _Audiosecrecy_. It was crazy Jim had it. “I am the love of your life, huh?”

“Fantasized? Nah, I regularly jerked off to it,” he pushed Corey back laughing then his eyes wandered back to the picture. It was his favorite of them. Corey’s expression was so damn cute. Really puppy-like. And as always, Jim was standing behind him like the silent support he was considered to be. Even back then. And he liked it too because he was much less heavier in the stomach department back then, but he’d never say that. It would only ruin the mood.

Another shrug. His eyes darting up to catch Corey’s. “Maybe…” he said much more serious and out of breath than he wanted. Damn. He was like a lovesick giant.

“Maybe it gets you into so much trouble. Believe me…” Corey put the picture down and crawled into the giant's lap, his arms crossing over Jim's neck as he nuzzled him. It seemed like a loving act if he didn't grind his small round butt to the groin of the tall man.

“Oh really? I think someone is already in trouble and it’s not me…” his eyes darkened from feeling Corey’s weight on him and yeah, that teasing ass right over his cock that seemed very interested in this turn of events. “I know a bad puppy, who was poking around where he shouldn’t have while he was alone…” he lightly slapped Corey’s ass.

“Puppy doesn't feel sorry for that yet...” Corey teased lightly biting the long neck, sucking the skin between his teeth and pressing his butt more against his awakening buddy, who seemed to be very interested. “Let your long dick out to play, Jimmy… I'm afraid bad puppy would only learn from that…” he moaned on that low voice that he knew would make his mate go crazy.

He wasn’t wrong about it because Jim had to groan from that voice as he slid his hand on the back of Corey’s neck and squeezed, pulling him away from his own neck despite the fact that he was enjoying the biting there. “Quite the bossy puppy we have here…” he chuckled low then squeezed again. He lifted his chin and looked down at Corey along his nose. “Kneel on the floor,” he grunted, his own voice lowering a few octaves. To motivate him to move Jim even pushed Corey’s shoulder after letting his thick neck go.

The puppy moved to kneel in front of the bed and his owner with a shit-eating grin on his stubbly face. Sneakily rubbing his chin into the front of the other. “Give it to me!”

Jim stood up, towering over Corey. He looked even taller from the kneeling man's perspective and Jim knew how much he loved that. That huge grin on his face... that was doing just as much to Jim as the rubbing against his bulge. Pushing Corey's head a bit back to give more room for himself he did a quick job of opening his pants and letting them drop to the floor as he freed the requested long cock. He took himself in his hand and pulled on it a couple of times, Corey’s hungry look making himself throb in his grip. 

"You want this, huh? I can see how much, my little bitch," he grabbed the back of Corey's head and brushed his sensitive tip against the singer's bottom lip and chin, the stubbles adding to the heady feeling. "Ask nicely!"

Corey moaned loud and tried to quickly lick the head of the dick that was rubbed against his lip. He held his hands behind his back to seem like a good puppy and moved his head after it greedily. “Give it to me... Please...” he even peeked up with a naughty glint in his blue eyes.

Why was it that each sound the singer made was so arousing to Jim? He guessed it was a question he’d never get an answer to. And he could see behind all the naughtiness that Corey really needed it. So that’s what he was going to get. And then some more. “Better… Take good care of it!” Jim grunted as he pushed himself into that wet hotness, his hand on Corey’s nape keeping him in place while feeding him more and more of his cock.

The singer gulped down on the long meat with happy humming and moaning, again some sounds to drive his owner crazy as his rich voice resonated around the pulsing shaft. Flattening his tongue he sucked like there was no tomorrow and only here and now he could get this divine feast, so he had to make the best of it to taste even the smallest part of it. Making love to Jim's cock and losing himself in the process.

Jim couldn’t look away. He had to watch the fantastic picture of Corey sucking on him so eagerly. It was driving him insane how much he could lose himself in pleasuring his master. He was fucking beautiful and if anyone said otherwise, Jim would beat the shit out of them on the spot. He also knew that they needed this to unwind a bit before a very tiring and hard period that was going to come with the tour dates. So he wanted to give his all to Corey to help him relax as much as he could.

Stroking the singer’s short hair Jim pulled out then started pushing back faster and deeper, his other hand sliding down onto Corey’s throat to feel just how deep he was going. “Just look at you… so eager to suck dick. Deep-throat it then. Show me what you’ve got, puppy!” he pushed him.

He was eager, that was sure as fuck! He focused all his senses on the cock he was pleasing. He loved that in these sessions all his troubles and thoughts vanished. It should be a Buddhist meditation technique. Close the outside world and its troubles out and find inner peace in a long dick down your throat! Squeeze it tight and moan on it. Don't think about anything else just to not gag and do it as smooth as you can. Well he could picture the poster for that and THAT almost made him gag as he couldn't hold a chuckle back.

 _Fuck…_ That’s all Jim could think. No wonder. Corey has always been amazing with his mouth and Jim felt lucky to be able to experience his skills first hand. He was contemplating on just coming down on his pet’s throat and pleasure him afterwards, but then that chuckle made Jim lightly frown and pull himself fully out of the eager mouth.

“What’s so funny, huh?” he lightly slapped Corey’s nape. “You were to focus on pleasuring me, but I see you had the time to find something more important. I’m gonna have to punish you for that too, you know it, right?” Without waiting for an answer Jim took a step back with a neutral face he forced on himself. “Stand, strip then hands on the wall and ass out.”

“Yes, master,” Corey tried to say serious, but being an obedient puppy was not easy for him tonight. He stripped as fast as he could and stood as ordered to please Jim a little and hide his smile.

Something – as a good Dom – Jim had noticed, but it didn’t bother him as long as Corey did as he was told. And he did otherwise beautifully. The sight was mouthwatering to say the least. A very naked and very hard Corey Taylor waiting to be punished in one of his favorite ways. Jim knew how much the singer loved to be spanked by his big and strong hands and that’s what he was going to get.

“Five slaps for the snooping around without permission and three additional ones for losing focus while pleasuring master. Count for me!” Jim ordered as he took his position next to Corey’s left hip so that he could hit him as hard as the singer liked. Then the next second a loud slap echoed in the room and the familiar tingling in Jim’s palm and fingers started. Truth be told, this was just as addictive to the guitarist as it was for his lover. It also tickled that deeply hidden side of Jim.

Trying to stand still while that big hand slaps you with that force is not easy. Especially counting loud instead of moaning from it while his dick was leaking a good long string of pre-cum already till the slaps stopped. Leaving the younger man groaning low and shaking, utterly aroused and ready to beg for something rougher.

Storing the fucking arousing sounds and sight into his memory, Jim kept slapping him until all eight was landed on the now bright red ass cheeks which he kept rubbing soothingly to ease the stinging a little bit. Leaning to Corey’s shoulder he playfully bit it then took a deep breath from the familiar scent of his lover’s neck. “Good puppy…” he murmured on his lowest voice.

After the praising Jim moved around the shaking man and dropped on his knees behind him to pull his ass cheeks apart and lick into him without any further preamble, groaning from Corey’s taste. His beard rubbing against the sensitive parts only added to the sensations, not to mention the first one then two fingers which were quickly opening him up as Jim bit the warm ass hard just to feel Corey contract around his long fingers.

Gritting his teeth together and groaning while trying to stand on his very unsteady legs took all the strength the small man had. He wanted it. Wanted it so fucking badly. Jim’s long fingers were great but just not enough now. Yelping and trembling from the bite he started to whimper in need.

“That’s it… give in to me,” Jim stroked along Corey’s ribs and hip as his fingertips brushed against his prostate teasingly. But then he was pulling them out to stand up, take off the rest of his own clothes and bending his knees step behind him. Some more spit and he was pushing in while steadying the trembling man with his hands on Corey’s hips. Jim didn’t give much time for him to adjust because he knew by then how much Corey liked that extra drag until he loosened up enough. Fuck, the sounds he was making were fucking with Jim’s head as he got into a nice steady rhythm, knowing that it wasn’t quite going to do it for the singer.

Who had to bite and chew hard on his lips to not curse, but his pleasure filled cries escaped anyway. All that manhandling just the way he needed it the most. Fucking mind-blowing as fuck. He was whining and growling from the stinging pain rushing through his body and making it stiffen, then loosen up from the pleasure. The big hands on him gripping tight made him remember that he was held up and safe, owned for the better and he started to really lose his sane mind. Thanks again for Jim and his just perfect ways.

Some of his control was slipping but Jim still managed to focus most of his attention on Corey. Their moans mixing and the tight grip around him made Jim leak into the singer, making his way easier. Then after a few more rough trusts he completely slid out and grabbed Corey to turn him around and press his back against the wall. “Hold on to me,” he gave him permission to touch the first time that night and when Corey did, Jim grabbed his thighs to lift him off the ground and lead Corey’s legs around his hips. From there only a few more moves were needed to feel Corey slowly sliding down on his length until the guitarist bottomed out.

He was panting too now from the intense feeling, his tattooed arms tightening around Corey’s thick thighs, nails digging into his ass. While collecting himself a bit instead of blowing his load right then and there, he roughly pressed a kiss against Corey’s lips. Tongue pushing in and taking and taking and taking until they both had to come up for air and that’s when Jim fucked up hard into Corey.

The singer threw his head back with a throaty yell, banging it hard and loud against the wall but he didn't care. The dizzier, the merrier… His short back was arching from the force Jim was thrusting into him again and again, his cuddly round belly pressing to his body as the long strong arms were holding him up and close. Corey couldn't help but press himself closer and kissed and chewed on the sweaty neck moaning and cursing between the delighted cries. “P…please let me cum... Please, master...” he whimpered on a voice Jim probably never heard before. So much on the edge and needy, filled with a desperate cry.

Even in the heat of the act Jim’s hazy eyes looked at Corey a bit concerned hearing that loud thud, but since the singer seemed to be okay afterwards, Jim continued and let his own eyes roll shut as Corey chewed up his neck, which only made his thrusts come harder and faster, starting to fall out of rhythm since he was so fucking close too. What nearly became his undoing was that tone Corey used to beg him. He’d never heard it before but Jim already knew he wanted to hear it over and over again in the future, because it was the most beautiful thing he’d heard from the singer so far and it was something to say that!

“Yes! Give it to me… Now!” he practically growled and then cried out, his cock throbbing and shooting his cum deep into his pet. Just the way they both liked. To muffle his own cries Jim’s teeth found that spot on Corey’s shoulder he liked to mark up and he bit on some healing bruises there. He was re-marking what was his, because tomorrow they would go into the outside world and Jim had to know his claim mark was on his singer.

The barked command made Corey lose it all. His body jerked as he shot his load onto their bellies right when Jim came deep inside him, the feeling of his teeth marking him owned again made his mind buzz further away into the blinding tingling bliss. It was all he ever wanted to feel, and much, much more…

It took them longer to come around this time. Jim doubted they managed to slip into headspace so deeply before. It made him feel proud of both of them. They’ve been working towards this for months by now. Dinner completely forgotten, carrying the floating singer to the bed on shaky legs and cleaning him up came as second nature by then. Afterwards Jim cuddled Corey from behind, holding him tight and secure to his chest, one long leg mingled with the singer’s. He probably loved this part the most, because it was just the two of them with sated bodies and minds, all their problems and sorrows forgotten for a little while.

“And you said we cannot fuck standing because of our height difference…” Jim finally murmured when he could tell Corey came down enough to understand.

Corey just smiled and practically purred. Yes, purred and moved more against Jim's warm chest. “Okay. I was wrong. You can punish me for that later on,” he chuckled light-headed and turned to ask for a kiss.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the little longer wait. My laptop decided to die on me and had to wait until I could save my stuff off it (including our writings). But now we're back :)  
> Thank you for the kudos and comments so far, we appreciate!

**Chapter 6**  

_“FREE MY SEVERED HEART, GIVE ME YOU - I WANT IT  
(I don't want to be myself)”_

Seeing the guys again was good. But getting on the buses one man short was hard on everyone. Especially on Corey. Probably that’s why he’s been sticking around Jim more than usual. He was a bit quieter too as he nuzzled or hugged the tall man time after time in need of support. It didn’t take long for the other guys either to notice the change in their relationship. It seemed they were okay with that (the “fucking finally” comments from Joey and Chris were kinda amusing) – except maybe for Sid. Jim got a strange vibe from the kid, but then he could be an impulsive one. They were still on the road when Jim had to take a leak and on his way back to the others on the narrow corridor Sid bumped his shoulder a bit harder than necessary. The tall man looked after him frowning but then shook his head and went to take care of his business.

However, when he headed back to the living area of the bus, he saw that Sid took his place on Corey’s side and the look he sent Jim was kinda challenging. That made the guitarist wondering what exactly was going on and what the kid’s real relationship was with Corey. Jim’d noticed previously that Sid had a thing for their singer ( _who wouldn’t?_ – Jim thought) and that Corey liked to play along a bit. But was there something more Jim didn’t know about? He should soon ask Corey about it, he decided as he sat down next to Mick, opposite the singer, Sid and Chris on the couch. To pass some more time Jim started talking about some guitar-related stuff with Mick, but kept an eye on Corey in case he needed him.

If the bus ride was strange then getting on stage for the rehearsal was even worse. Yes, they’d done a few rehearsals before they had hit the road, but standing on an actual stage without Paul was… fucking hard. Jim found his eyes wandering over to their late bassist’s empty spot (where his jumpsuit, mask and a bass would go during the shows), but knew that he wasn’t the one playing the bass line anymore. If that wasn’t hard enough, Sid was starting to get on his nerves too.

The first day was pure hell. All manifested in Corey's guilt. Paul was not there. Not on the bus. Or the bunk above him. Or to banter and laugh with them on the ride. He unconsciously kept hugging and leaning to Jim for support, of course the others saw it all. There were never many secrets between them, even if none of them said a damn thing, they all knew it all about the others. Everyone was kinda okay with him closer now to Jim, except for Sid, of course, who always tried to crawl under his skin and kept acting like his pet.

The sound check was hell. As always, he kept looking to the left side of the drums but his lover was not there. For the first time in his career Corey felt lost and scared standing there. Felt defenseless against all that may come. He knew that Jim was there for him and he loved the tall man. Yeah, he accepted his feeling. But still. Pauly was gone. He needed to get a drink or two to pull through that show.

It was in the slight shaking of Corey’s voice not many could pick up on, it was in every move he made. Jim could feel and see it. And it was killing him to know how much Corey was hurting because of this fucking show. If Jim could, he would’ve cancelled everything until Corey was better. Ready. But he wasn’t sure if he was ever going to be ready. Maybe on the long-run it was going to be better to do this. Like ripping off a band-aid. It fucking hurts at first but then it slowly gets better. Maybe the shows will get a bit easier with time too… Or not. Who the fuck was Jim to know that? He wasn’t some fortuneteller…

When he deemed it to be okay, he got closer to Corey during the rehearsal so that he could feel his support, and Jim had the feeling he’d have to do that during the show too. But he was okay with that as long as Corey survived somehow.

After they were finished and everything was set up with their equipment, Jim exchanged a long look with Shawn, who nodded. That was all the cue Jim needed and he gave his guitar to a tech guy to take care of it and went to Corey. Putting a long arm around his shoulder (ignoring an ugly look from Sid), he pulled the singer along to one of the smaller dressing rooms at the back. They didn’t have much time before the show, but hopefully enough to pour some strength and liquor into both of them to do this.

Corey went along with Jim. Only about half an hour to stand before everyone and talk about the loss of their brother, his mate. And anything Jim had in mind in that far back dressing room was damn fucking fine with him. He probably was never that nervous in his life.

Jim didn’t say anything for a while, just shared the bottle of Jack Shawn had stashed previously in the dressing room for them (along with their stage outfit, masks and make up). Just in case. And Jim was right to ask him to do that. He himself took a few good swigs to be able to handle the night and he was a little guilty to feel relieved from the familiar burning in his stomach. It was quality stuff too.

While they were drinking in silence, Jim was holding Corey against his side, letting the singer cuddle him. He kept caressing his hair, neck and shoulder for a while. Then as the time grew nearer, he got up to change into his jumpsuit. Zipping it up he took Corey’s to the sitting man and helped him stand. He made quick job on removing his street clothes then he dressed the quiet man with care, making him sit back on the couch afterwards. Kneeling between Corey’s legs, Jim did the same with applying the singer’s make up, only pausing when they both took swigs from the bottle. Then he did a quick job around his own eyes and lips too. Only their masks were left.

He gave Corey his then put his own on. He hated that part. But once the mask was on, he didn’t care anymore. Helping to adjust Corey’s once they were finally done, Jim took both smaller hands and squeezed them. No words have passed their lips until Jim said “It’s time” once they heard a subtle knock on the door.

It was time. The mask was on and the beast was surfacing. No turning back. With the strong liquor in his veins and his other persona summoned with the mask, he walked with Jim towards the stage. Nothing new there. Clown being nervous as fuck. Chris throwing up. Joey kneeling and praying to anyone who’d listen. Paul was not there. But he will make Paul proud! Even if he dies right there on that fucking stage!

The show was okay. They had better, had worse too when all of them were not even near sober. The raging beast he had inside him, like they all did, was happy to come out and rage.   
  
It was done, they walked off, all the way back to the dressing room and changed and showered and not one word was needed between Jim and him. They got pretty drunk by then.   
So was the rest of the band as he noticed once they got back on the bus with Jimmy. What a fucking day... He couldn't wait to get to the hotel and throw himself at his mate to have some relief.

Sweat, running make up and tears. That’s what Jim had under his mask as he was banging his head to the music, his fingers running along the fret board (only slipping a few times because of the alcohol sloshing in his veins). His own beast was painfully veiling along with his guitar for the loss of a brother, at times anger and disappointment joining the overwhelming mix. They were all kinda out of it, trying to work out some of the numbing pain they all felt.

Jim found himself drifting towards Corey more than usual, but sometimes they met half-way since the singer must have orbited towards him too. No words were needed, just a look, a gesture or a brief hug then they were back at their places. It was a painful, but okay show. Could’ve been better, yes. Especially if Sid didn’t act like an annoying fly, trying to get a rise out of Jim. Yes, he was usually patient and calm, but not that night. Not when he was just as fucked up as the others.

Still, Sid’s little stunts were going over the line. He’d never done anything like this with Jim on stage before. Yeah, they moved around, but always respected the others’ space. Now that wasn’t the case. For instance, it started maybe after the second song that Sid ran across the stage so close in front of Jim that the guitarist nearly tripped. Then as the show progressed and their emotions got more all over the place, as Sid was jumping down from the structures, he once stomped hard behind Jim, even bumping his back. It nearly made Jim fuck up his part. But what really made Jim see red was when the kid – probably coming off as “playful” for the audience – was starting to pull on the guitar’s electric cord while Jim was in the middle of a solo. Jim even turned around and shouted over the music to fuck off. In return Sid flipped him the bird for a second before running off into the other direction. What the fuck was with that kid?

These, of course, pushed Jim out of his balance even more and when his beast was so close to the surface, it was always a dangerous thing. He was moments away from snapping, but afterwards Sid stayed away from him and Jim could finally focus on his playing and Corey.

Maybe it was the first time that Jim was glad that he could take off his guitar and leave the stage. From somewhere they got more booze and kept drinking during showering and changing and on the bus too. This show fucked up and riled up everyone pretty much.

***

Corey was lost in his head from all the emotions and drinks. He drank with Jim too, but now this was the more like "regular" kind of drinking. The type most of them got for "free" in various times and facilities. Just like Corey. Still, none of these "ex" alcoholics cared about the next day. Who could blame them anyway?

The singer wanted nothing more than to get to the room he shared with Jim and engage in some – at first tender lovemaking – then rough mind-blowing fucking to forget what a coward shit he was for leaving his mate alone to die, and half-way faking happiness to the other person caring for him in the purest way he would never deserve. 

He noticed his DJ was more active than usual during the gig. And probably pissing Jim off on purpose, but the way Sid ran after them and practically pulled the elevator door open to get in and make comments about Corey and Jim being on their honeymoon and how he didn't want to bother the "newlyweds" was pissing Corey off too on some level.

Anyway... who cares... When the doors opened he shrugged and went ahead to find their room and get to his plan of getting fucked hard. Leaving the other two to argue, what he did not even notice because of being too lost in his own haze and drunken state.

Corey was very silent since the show. He barely said a word or two and although Jim understood it, it also concerned him. He couldn’t let the singer sink deeper. Or at least he was going to try giving him the distraction he so badly needed. Jim could see it in his sad blue eyes when they looked at each other during the bus ride and even in the elevator. The tall man was already thinking about how he could help Corey the best that night. Maybe starting slow then letting all their instincts and frustrations loose…

At least that was the plan until Sid decided to continue being the annoying little shit of the night. Those comments… Jim suspected that their DJ’s blood was probably laced with more than just alcohol, but still… How could he? Jim knew that Sid was lucky that Corey was in one of his “who cares” moods and ignored it, but the guitarist’s protective side – which was already overworking on that difficult night along with his dark side – kicked into full gear. He let Corey go ahead then as Jim left the elevator, he threw an arm out to hold the door and stop Sid from stepping out.

“I don’t know what your problem is, man, but knock it off, Sid. Don’t follow us. Not tonight,” Jim forced himself to stay as calm as possible given the circumstances then let the elevator door go to follow the singer to their room.

From afar Corey heard what was going on between his two band mates, but as he stood by the door and waited for a while he got the idea that Jim would punch the kid in a bad way so he got closer to see what was up.

“Or what? You’ll punch me, Jimmy?” Sid exited the elevator after all. Stupid kid.

“I might if you keep this up. What’s your problem with me? You’ve been giving me shit all day,” he turned around. “Are you jealous or some shit?” Jim chuckled not really believing that it might be true. Sid couldn’t really be into Corey that much. Right?

“What the fuck is up with you two?” Corey yelled at them. “Sid, what the hell you pissing Jim off for? Told you to piss off!” he grunted at the DJ just when he heard Jim's question and chuckle. “Sid, don't be jealous!”

“I can be what I want. We have a past too, Cor. You will regret your choice,” Sid hissed almost into Jim's face.

It didn’t matter that Sid was drunk or maybe it was because Jim was too, but those words stung. What past was he talking about? The question was in his eyes as he glimpsed at Corey for a moment, asking him without words. But their friend just couldn’t shut his mouth now, could he?

“I’d be a much better one than the fat giant,” he added, knowing well how to push Jim’s buttons.

And that’s when Jim snapped and grabbed him by the collar. In the next second Sid was pinned to the corridor’s wall by Jim’s forearm across his chest, his other hand fisted in the air, ready to hit. The guitarist was towering over the much smaller man menacingly – something he rarely was.

“Fuck Sid, you're so fucking stupid!!!” Corey yelled trying to pull Jim off the much smaller wiggling guy. “Jim, let him go. He doesn’t know what he’s taking about. Come on! And you! Shut your fucking mouth and stay out of my fucking business, dipshit. The past you talk about is you trying to hit on me. I flirt with everyone. That's no secret, not even for the press. Now fuck off!” he growled at the DJ when Jim finally let himself be pulled back a bit.

Jim was still seeing red, nearly growling, but in the end he didn’t hit the kid with that stupid big mouth of his and let Corey pull him back. Huffing he let Sid go, who probably sensed that he’d lost this one and cursing he stumbled back to the elevator. But Jim didn’t see him leave since he turned around and marched toward their room on his long legs while fishing out the key card from his pocket. He was so fucking pissed and hurt. Not because of the “fight over Corey”. It wasn’t the singer’s fault. But because Sid pulled on two of his biggest fucking insecurities on purpose. Not being enough and being so fucking aware of his body. What if he was right?

“Fucking shit,” Corey growled as he tried to hurry after Jim and just caught the closing door to enter.  “Jim… Jimmy… Come on… He is stupid and drunk. Probably high even. You know Sid. Don't take it serious,” he tried feeling suddenly very sober as he got closer to the bed where Jim dropped himself down, staring at the ceiling.

“It sounded bloody serious…” Jim snorted, his own buzz quickly fading. If he wasn’t so tired to get up from the bed, he would’ve raided the mini fridge by then. “Is it true what you said about you two?” he asked quietly, glimpsing at Corey, but his expression was too much for Jim at the moment and he dropped his eyes, staring at the cover instead. How could he compete with everyone who loved and wanted the singer? Sid, Steph, the press, the fans and all the rest? He was just an okay guitar player who’d give half his arm to Corey if he wanted it. But who could tell that one day the singer wouldn’t wake up not wanting to do anything with him anymore? Fuck this day! It was getting worse and was never going to end…

“That he wanted to hit on me? Yeah… But nothing ever happened… Paul was there and you for me,” Corey said slowly as he crawled on the bed and laid next to his mate, hugging him. “I only wanted you two from here. You know that, right? You know how important you are to me, right? You're my master and I am your puppy…” he used his submissive voice and nuzzled and kissed into the long neck. He truly wanted Jim, kinda always did. He wanted to calm him and show this to him.

Corey’s closeness was welcomed – as always – and as Jim was listening to him, he started calming down a bit. He believed what Corey was saying about Sid. He wouldn’t doubt the singer in something like this. And he also knew that he was important to him, but… Jim swallowed hard from that submissive voice and the kiss in his neck and he turned onto his side to slowly hug Corey back. He was just holding him there for a couple of minutes, inhaling his scent and warmth.

“I’m sorry… For nearly losing my shit out there with Sid. He’s an asshole. But I’ll eventually forgive him, I guess…” he slid lower and pushed Corey on his back so this time Jim could rest his head in the crook of the singer’s neck, hugging him just as tight as before. “And I’m sorry for adding more drama to this already fucking hard day. I love you with all my heart, Corey.” _Please don’t throw that away_ , he added in thought.

“I love you too, Jim,” Corey whispered hugging the bigger man tight, caressing his head and nape slowly and lovingly, kissing his temple every now and then. He felt how insecure his mate was and now it was his turn to console the other.

“Nothing will change that, Jimmy. Never forget that,” he said the truth. The feelings he had for Jim were not new, just newly accepted and he would never feel different. But the truth was also that his soul would always belong to Paul too.

“I'm always here for you, Jimmy. No matter what or why you need me. I need you too,” his hand drew small circles on the guitarist’s back, going lower then caressing his side back up. Again and again making the tense body clinging to him slowly ease up from the tender treating.

*** 

In the end they just stayed like that until they fell asleep since they were both physically and emotionally exhausted from that day. The next was maybe a bit better if they didn’t count the hangover or the fact that a pouting Sid was avoiding them as much as he could. The other guys eventually picked up on the tension too, but they probably thought the three of them would sooner or later work it out among themselves.

The guitarist was replaying Corey’s words over and over from that night in his head. The singer loved him too and told him he needed Jim. He was trying so hard to believe it with his whole heart and being, but thanks to his own demons, there was still some doubt left in Jim. Why was he so different from everyone else? Yeah, he could understand Corey and his needs, that was true. Probably not many would. He even shared a demon or two with him. But surely there were better people in the world who could help him more and were more confident in their skin or better at this Dom thing… Yes, by then Jim was able to make Corey fall apart, but as the perfectionist he was, he wanted to get better, give more, help more, be enough… But could he?

These thoughts have been bugging him again and again during the following weeks too as they were nearly constantly on the road. The shows and the cities were starting to blur together and maybe they weren’t ready for all the new people and faces so soon after Paul’s death. After a while all their pitying looks and kind words started to bug Jim and he pulled himself out from more and more press stuff. He – and probably the others too – wanted to heal, but they were constantly reopening this deep wound. Who knew how long they had before they’d bleed out?

As Corey had to stand out and be the frontman for the wounded band, he slipped further and further into his addiction again. He just couldn't stand the questions about how it was to play without Paul, what their plans were, and all the other same fucking bullshit every night, plus the shows where he had to speak and perform without Paul.

He tried to focus on Jim as he could, knowing and feeling his mate also going through a hard time. On many nights they just ended up cuddling and sleeping in Corey's bunk. The other members of the band were also slowly falling apart, so no one, not even Sid dared to say a word about their affection and bond showing.

Both of them were drinking again. But the singer sneaked out from old habit too, he had to somehow pull through this tour alive.

There was an itch under Jim’s skin that’s been growing stronger with each passing day. Something the alcohol he drank couldn’t fully satisfy either. He knew he and Corey were slipping back into the old habits with getting wasted. But at least Sid and the rest of the band left them alone. The kid hadn’t apologized but retreated to only give Jim the stink-eye at times. No fucking things up for him on stage after that first night they nearly fought. They weren’t talking either, although he noticed Chris and Shawn speaking to Sid a few times. Then as Jim and Corey fell into a routine of drinking and/or cuddling in the singer’s bunk or the room they shared on hotel nights, the guitarist didn’t care anymore.

He saw how much the interviews and the shows were wearing Corey off. Everyone was always reminding him on Paul. And Jim wasn’t sure how to help or what to do as he was sinking lower in his drinking too. He knew he was failing Corey and the promise he’d made at Paul’s grave and it weighted heavily on his soul. He felt drained and helpless and that usually resulted in one thing. That itch he so wanted to scratch.

And one afternoon when Corey slipped away somewhere on his own – like he did more often now, coming back drunk – Jim had dialed a familiar number, his voice slightly shaking.

“Yeah man, it’s been a while. Could you get me some?” He was losing against his demons.

Corey was feeding his guilt with every gulp of the secretly consumed liquor in the shady pub. He should be strong and look after the band and Jim. He just cannot take it.

Stumbling back to their room he was thinking about how good it was that they have two days off and can sleep in an actual bed.

Entering the room and calling for Jim had no result. Which was strange from his mate who always waited him back whenever he snuck out. Getting closer to the bed all became clear to Corey as he saw the small mirror and a short piece of a straw with some suspicious white powder here and there. “Fuck, Jimmy...” he sighed checking in the bathroom to find a giggly hyper and very unstable guitarist clinging to him like a koala.

The familiar rush that nearly immediately flooded his mind made Jim moan. It was a guilty pleasure from the more dangerous kind, but his conscience was quickly fading, because that fucking tightness in his chest was finally easing up. He’d missed this, he could admit this at least to himself. Sniffing he giggled and somehow ended up in the bathroom.

Not much later when Corey entered, he was all over him, putting his long arms around him for a nearly painfully tight hug. “Hey, baby! You’re back!” he grinned from ear to ear, not even caring if Corey figured out what was causing his high. They had two fucking days off! And Jim was finally feeling happy. He was so boring with all the quiet brooding and depressed thoughts! It was so much easier to bear himself like this. And Corey... “You’re so amazing, Cor! So fucking amazing. Did I tell you that? I love you so fucking much,” he gave a wet kiss on the singer’s face, although he aimed for his mouth. Who cared? It was still a sign of his bottomless affection towards his mate. “I’ve missed you,” he pressed himself closer, although he probably looked funny bent over the shorter man like that. Again: who cared? He didn’t.

“I love you too, babe,” Corey laughed and hugged and caressed back his mate, slowly guiding him towards the bed. “You seem happier than before,” his mate was rather cuddly, to say the least. Not that the slightly drunk singer would mind a little passionate snuggling. His more dominant side was surfacing from the way Jim’s neediness showed.

They dropped on the bed, on their sides giggling and sharing sloppy heated kisses, getting more and more lost in the other.

See? Even Corey noticed how much happier Jim was. In his fucked up mind it reassured the guitarist that this was a good idea after all. Corey was smiling and chuckling at that. He always had a beautiful and playful smile Jim could kill for! Fuck, he’d do anything for this man…

Maybe that was the reason he let the singer lead him back to the bed then something even better came: they were lying there kissing – and Corey initiated it. He wanted Jim, who just got happier and needier from this as he nuzzled him, pulling Corey’s hand around his body and under his worn-out tee, not even caring about his belly. Every morsel of his mate’s affection was like pushing Jim higher. Corey was the best drug he could ever wish for.

The drunk singer got even more wasted on the passionate need of his mate. He adored his body! Jim was so fucking tall and he couldn't get enough of the feeling of caressing the long arms and the actually small round belly. He soon pulled the tee off the other and was all over kissing, biting and sucking on his lover's upper body, moaning from the taste of sweaty skin, laying on top of him and rubbing his hardening cock to the other’s very alive member under him.

Jim’s head was slightly spinning and he was already panting for air from all the attention Corey’s lips and hands were giving him. He was practically worshiping him and his body, and it made Jim’s skin crawl with need. He might or might not have made a few whimpering sounds too, his hands resting numbly on Corey’s thighs, fingers weakly digging into his jeans.

For once he didn’t shy away or tensed up as Corey’s hands caressed him all over again and again. He was one of the very, very few people Jim allowed to touch him however he wanted and now Jim needed to be touched and wanted so fucking badly. “Please…” he whimpered, slowly losing control over his own body and thoughts. All he knew was that he wanted more.

“Tell me, love. What you want from me. I do whatever you want from me,” the singer whispered into the neck of his mate. He was ready for anything right there and then, but his promise to look after Jim still got through his drunk and aroused brain.

A few labored pants left Jim’s suddenly dry lips first before he could form coherent words again. It was fucking difficult when a hard Corey Taylor was rubbing up against his equally hard cock through his boxers that was left on his body now that his tee was lying somewhere in the room.

“I want… I need… I need your fingers on me… in me…” he slurred high and drunk on not just the booze and coke mix but on lust too. He was at the brink of asking for more, but he vaguely remembered their agreement months back: baby steps. And since then it was usually Jim who had to take care of and support Corey, so no real steps were taken in this direction. But now he was burning for something. _Anything_. “Please, Corey…” he forced his hazy eyes open and let the singer see just how much he needed this.

Corey had to swallow hearing the begging of his mate and seeing the desperation in those deep eyes he adored so much. “I'll do anything to make you feel good, Jimmy,” he breathed on his lips and kissed him deep and raw, sucking and biting on the other's tongue, demanding control. Showing with everything how much he needed Jim and wanted to please him.

Traveling down the praised body of his lover the boxer came off fast and the singer was laying between the long endless thighs, sucking and nibbling on the inner side of them as well as the throbbing shaft so eager for attention.

The man under him swallowed hard and nodded then made a choking sound as Corey started devouring his mouth. Jim usually took lead after a few seconds, but not now. Now he melted under Corey’s actions. Thanks to the “cocktail” he took previously, he really felt as if his body became one giant ragdoll, which was a funny thought but laughing was the last thing on his messed up mind now. His fingers weakly curled around the sheets as Corey finally let him come up for air.

Chest heaving he let him take off the last piece of his clothes and his legs fell apart for him. Corey between his thighs was always a sight to behold, but what he was about to do made this picture even more special. Not that this was the first time he’d get fingers up in him, Jim did that to himself before, but this was Corey… his mate. For the first time… And maybe this was the prequel to the grand finale that would come one day… Corey already had Jim’s heart and now he gave him his complete trust – over him and his body. He knew even in his fucked up state that the singer would never intentionally hurt him. He’d probably know too that this was huge for the guitarist.

Sucking on the long cock was something coming natural for Corey, but now his curious lips moved lower. First to pay attention to those prize-winning balls, sucking them one by one into his mouth. Then he just had to lick at his mate's entrance to prepare him for his fingers after his long tongue probing into his squirming body.

The familiar suction around his hardness and balls felt just as good as each time Corey did this to him, but when he moved lower, Jim’s thighs started lightly shaking. The bites then that fucking tongue right there where he needed it the most! He couldn’t hold his shocked but lustful moans back or his long body reacting to the sensations by moving his hips. “Fuck… Yeah… Fuck!” That’s all he could say – and repeat a few times as he was giving in to the sensations, the tension in his body bleeding out of him.

Corey loved every sound Jim made, it encouraged him to push his tongue deeper and roll it around. Loosening up the tight muscles and also loving to do this to his mate. After a while his middle finer found the way into the other’s body, soon to be joined by a second and turning his hand around he searched for Jim's pleasure spot as his fingers curved inside the shaking body, rubbing against the spot that made Jim curse out and grumble loud.

“Fucking hell!” he shouted, his body jerking. This was so much better than when he did this to himself. All thoughts melted away as Corey was giving him exactly what he was burning for so fucking much. His cock was leaking and throbbing like crazy while he was moaning his head off, now bucking back against the fingers that were fucking up into him. “So… good!” he babbled along with some other incoherent thoughts as he was falling apart into tiny pieces right in front of his mate’s watchful eyes. “I’m gonna… Make me… please!” And to emphasize his words, his cock slightly jumped, smearing pre-cum across the lower half of his belly. “I _need_ … Corey!”

“Anything you want,” the singer whispered mesmerized by the sight of his mate so lost in pleasure. He wanted to give it all Jim needed. To make him feel the greatest pleasure he ever felt in his life! Hearing the plea, his lips closed around the jerking shaft and sucked hard to the rhythm of his fingers’ moves to finish off his lover.

And that was just too much for his poor body, heart and mind and he came down on Corey’s throat with an animalistic roar, his body jerking and clamping down on those fucking amazing fingers. The pleasure and feeling of “fucking finally” were so intense that Jim’s eyes welled up. Because it felt as if a missing piece of the puzzle just fell into place. The guitarist had no idea that he needed this so fucking badly. To belong. To be wanted. To sometimes be taken care of like he took care of Corey. He had no idea if it was just the drugs or what Corey had just done to him or both, but he wanted to cry and laugh at the same time while floating on his little cloud of (temporary) happiness. Now nothing could hurt him and he didn’t have to worry about anything, because Corey was there to keep him safe.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

_“Now... I can finally be myself  
Cuz I don't want to be myself…”_

The morning came blurry for Corey. His mind recalled the events slowly as he sat up and smoked his first cigarette, watching over the completely spread out Jim soundly snoring with a rather content expression on his face.

Corey smiled. He pleased his mate as he could best and found him abso-fucking-lutely gorgeous. After Jim came down from his orgasmic high, Corey joined him by his own as he had his left hand deep in his boxers while treating his man as he deserved. The way Jim fell apart made him mess up his pants too. The after cuddle and making out till they fell asleep was sweet and melted the singer’s heart.

Although, they had to talk about these things when they both were fully conscious again. He couldn't help but feel that he was pushing Jim deeper into misery and addiction.

Not much later Jim woke with a groan and a sigh that was still content, although he still felt somewhat tired. As he rolled on his side, he remembered the night before and it made him slightly blush as his eyes met Corey’s. “Hey… Morning…” he grumbled on his deep after-sleep voice and a sheepish smile. Then he sat up, ignoring the headache that has been waiting just for that to strike. Turning to the nightstand to fetch a bottle of water he paused for a second seeing the clear evidence of what he’d done before Corey got back to their room. He was stupid to leave it lying around like that, but oh well. The cat was out of the bag. Drinking half of the water he put it down and lit up a cigarette too before turning back to the singer who was watching him.

“So… last night…” the naked man hummed, knowing that a discussion about it was probably on its way.

“Last night you were amazing,” Corey said with a loving smile. “You know that you can talk about anything with me, right Jimmy? I also promised that I’ll help you with everything I can,” he said on a calm voice. He was not mad at Jim. He just wanted the other man to talk about what led him to reach back to cocaine.

The guitarist exhaled the smoke slowly while trying to decide which topic to address first. He knew that the real question hiding behind Corey’s words was: why did he use again? So ripping off that band aid was probably better to get over with, although he saw it in the blue eyes that he wasn’t judging Jim.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have, but… I couldn’t fight the urge anymore. This tour, man… it’s fucking hard on all of us. I dearly miss Pauly too, you know. I loved talking shop with him or writing songs, joking around… or whatever. I guess being on the road without him… seeing how it affects you… us… everyone…” Jim paused shaking his head with a bitter sigh. “And then this fucked up shit with Sid… and my stupid messy head… I can’t and don’t want to change who you are, Corey… I just… I had to… because of the pressure. But if you expect me to apologize, I won’t. I needed that. Like you feel the need to sneak out to drink on your own,” he added softly at the end, glimpsing back at the singer.

“I would never ask for an apology ‘cause of it. I'm not better, as you pointed out. Probably for the same reasons,” Corey shrugged lifting a cigarette too. “I just want to take care of you and look after you just as you do to me.”

“And I can’t say just how grateful I’m for that. Until last night… I had no fucking idea I needed this too, you know,” he said then took another drag before flicking the ash into the ashtray on the nightstand. “You were amazing too…” he licked his lips and stole a glance of the singer before finishing his smoke. “It was nothing like when I’d played with myself once or twice in the past. And I think… if you are okay with it… I might need you to… sometimes… take me apart like that. It helped… to feel like I belonged to you. That you need and want me too. I know, I’m fucked up too, aren’t I?” he chuckled bitterly. “Fucking insecurities. I’m sorry about that at least. I’m trying to overcome them, I swear.”

Corey stood and walked over to his mate straddling him and hugging his neck with a smile. “You are perfect, Jimmy. I don't want you any other way. Please, remember that... No matter what you feel or think. You are beautiful and very, very fucking sexy for me,” he said almost moaning the last part on Jim’s lips as he kissed him.

These words were heart-warming for the guitarist as he swallowed hard, holding Corey close. “I’ll try to remember that,” he smiled a bit and kissed the singer’s lips gently, ignoring the slight throbbing of his head. “Just remember too that I’m yours as long as you want me,” he stroked along Corey’s equally naked back.

“So… are you gonna keep sneaking off to drink alone? Or are you gonna sometimes invite me too?” he asked after stubbing out his cigarette and propped his head against the headboard, but his long fingers kept sliding on the other’s warm skin in a comforting and loving manner, sometimes moving as if he was slowly playing a melody on Corey’s back. “How are you really?”

“It's not some ‘happy pub time’ kind of drinking. I order a few shots and drown them in seconds to have them affect me fast then I leave. It's all for the alcohol. You know how it is... And… when I go out like that, it's like the need you had before exploding into shreds. It's just hard now. As you said… Pauly is not with us on stage. Though, I can feel him, around me, with me…”

“I guessed it was about the alcohol, not socializing. I’m familiar with the method. This is a demon we share, Cor,” he nodded with a deeply understanding expression. “I’m just worried about you when you’re out there alone. My mind keeps projecting fucked up things. You know, the stupid ‘what ifs’. What if an accident happens or what if some fans or the press finds you, what if you get lost and so on. But at the same time I get it too… The need to be on your own,” Jim said while stroking along Corey’s spine absently.

“And I’m positive Paul’s still around you, us. Looking out for us or something. He’s probably annoyed about the state the band is in at the moment,” he smiled sadly. “We should try to talk more with the others too. Everyone’s lost in their own fucked up world at the moment. It’s not good for any of us. Although I’m still pissed at that fucking kid,” he snorted good-heartedly.

“Yeah… Paul wanted the band to go on... We’re all trying though… Everyone needs time to get somewhat used to this. Even if we hate it,” Corey said laying his head on the shoulder of his mate, absently playing with the longer wisps of his hair. He wanted to get drunk, maybe make Jim fuck him hard then pass out. He didn't want to think at all.

“I agree. Everyone’s dealing on their own way. I guess that’s why I allowed myself to drink more again… and then the coke last night,” he murmured. “What do you want to do? You know that I won’t say no either, right? Let me help you deal, baby,” he murmured, caressing the soft short hair of the singer. Jim felt like he needed to return some of what he got the night before. Corey didn’t say no to Jim’s suggestion, so it seemed this was going to be a vice versa thing from now on. Jim was completely okay with that.

“I know. I'm grateful that you let me so close to you,” he murmured and nuzzled Jim's neck and maybe pressed his body closer to the other's as if wanting to hide away from everything. “Stop my brain from saying shit…” he breathed on an almost broken voice.

Jim closed his eyes for a moment, holding Corey tighter too, their hearts beating close like this. “Only you, Cor. And I’ll want you even closer,” he whispered and turned his head to press a kiss to the singer’s head then gently rolled over with him to give him a deep, slow kiss.

“Stay here. I’ll be right back,” he murmured and crawled out of the bed to pad into the bathroom butt naked. After taking a much needed leak, he washed and dried his hands then rummaged in the drawer under the sink. He already knew how he could give Corey what he needed. Pulling out a plastic bag from behind the pipes he made quick work of making two strong joints for them – as starters.

Back in the room he lit them up and gave Corey one then grabbed a few small bottles of liquor – not checking what they were – from the mini fridge. (They somehow survived Jim’s raid from last night.) Putting those on the bed too he took a puff from his own pot and paused for a moment, thinking through what else he needed and went to his carryon bag.

Within two minutes he was sitting on the bed, smoking and drinking with the singer, some silk ropes and a brand new choking chain lying on the creased linen next to them.

Corey was watching in silence as his master got busy, puffing on the pot and enjoying every atom of the strong stuff making his brain ease up. He couldn't help panting watching over the items Jim had laid out. “I am your puppy…” he whispered looking deep into his master's eyes. He felt like a starving vampire and as it seemed Jim knew exactly what he needed the most. “You bought a new chain? You actually went into a sex shop because of me? I do not fucking deserve you...”

“You are,” Jim used his dominant tone, slowly slipping into his character as the weed started to work in his system too. Cracking two vodkas open he handed one to his pet. “Bottom’s up,” the guitarist clinked his against Corey’s then tossed it back, grunting from the taste and its burning way down. “I’m gonna take my time with you,” he announced then kept the smoke down before continuing. “We don’t have to be anywhere else for one and a half fucking day. You’ll be barely able to walk by the time I’m finished with you,” he cracked another bottle open for Corey, but not for himself.

“Yeah, I bought the chain in a shop a few cities back and was waiting for the right time to use it on that fucking sexy thick neck of yours,” Jim eyed said neck with darkening eyes, his cock already stirring. “And I’ll be the judge of what you deserve, pet,” Jim reached to grab Corey’s ankle and squeeze it both warningly and possessively. “Now drink up then lay back on your back in the middle,” he instructed as he gave Corey a third bottle then stubbed out the end of his smoke in the ashtray.

Every word Jim said made Corey more and more aroused. Adding the pot and alcohol as his mate's voice and look darkened, made the singer turn into an obedient puppy. Drowning the last bottle he did as was told and trying to even out his breathing he looked at Jim swallowing hard with a twitching cock.

Meanwhile Jim made room on the bed and put the remaining bottles on the other nightstand. Then he just sat there for a moment to let his eyes admire the naked singer so eager and ready to play. Kneeling up he lightly slapped Corey’s half-hard cock, suddenly towering over the singer. “By the time I finish tying you up, I want to see this rock-hard. Understood?” His voice was stern and demanding, hazel eyes dark and serious – if not a bit hazy and red from the pot.

With that and a motivating smack against Corey’s thigh, Jim was gone from above him to take the first rope, twisting and flattening it between his big hands. “Arms towards the corners of the bed, legs apart.” Once Corey did what he was told, Jim firmly grabbed a wrist and began tying it to the bedpost. By then he knew how to make safe but strong restraints. He loved to see them on his mate. Loved to know that he was completely at Jim’s mercy. “Beautiful…” he praised his pet once he was done, drinking in the sight.

Not that he didn't want to please his master, but he couldn't have held himself back from getting rock-hard from the treatment he got from his lover. His mind was still running but now on what his mate may have for him.

The older man first ran his long fingers across Corey’s tattooed chest, following a few outlines of the drawings there, just to see the goose bumps appear and the nipples harden. Which he, of course, twisted hard in the next moment, knowing that Corey loved pain mixed with pleasure. Yes, the singer was rock-hard, his cock resting flushed and full against his stomach. A sight the guitarist liked very fucking much. Jim licked his lips, wanting to taste it badly, but first he had to give Corey something else.

Taking the choking chain he straddled Corey’s hips, rubbing himself against the singer slowly and shamelessly as he made a loose loop on the chain. “Lift your head,” he instructed then put the chain around Corey’s neck – loose for now. Jim wanted to add to the tension with letting the cool metal rest against Corey’s warm skin first. The promise of the joy it would bring to the singer fucking with both their minds. Jim was breathing a bit faster as he ran a fingertip next to the end of the chain then he grabbed it, slowly pulling on it, while licking his other palm to take both their erections in his big hand, stroking them firmly but just as slow as the loop on the chain was moving upwards, tightening.

The singer just panted and moaned low from all the actions of his owner. His body arched to meet up the amazing skillful moves of that big strong hand, he was leaking already and losing his mind and probably would be punished if he couldn't get a hold of himself and his pleasure till he was allowed. But that tightening cold metal on his neck made him balance on the edge already.

As if reading Corey’s mind, Jim leaned closer, twisting his palm against both their tips, the chain lightly digging into the singer’s skin, his mouth hovering over the other’s. “No coming until I give permission,” he reminded his pet. “You’re so fucking gorgeous like this… You want more? Then take a deep breath, pet… You’re gonna love what’s coming next…” he chuckled and moaned and licked into Corey’s mouth for a moment before tightening the chain enough to cut his air off.

Inhaling deep the small man just trembled as the chain cut into his skin and he was left breathless. Closing his eyes he let in to the feeling as his lungs started to burn, and his mind tried to fight for air, yet it all left a reliving joy of "finally" as the ringing in his ears got louder drifting him towards fainting.

Jim was counting to himself, one hand holding the chain firmly while the other kept caressing them both. It could’ve been so easy to get lost in the pleasures. Let that darkness take over Jim to satisfy that deep hunger he’s been trying to deny and hide for so long… But instead he kept his focus on Corey’s pleasure. Something the singer needed so badly. He was so beautiful like that. Skin coloring from the oxygen-deprivation, veins protruding from that fucking thick neck, sweat forming on the delicious skin… Jim could’ve watched this forever, but when he deemed Corey got enough, he loosened the chain enough to let the air rush into his burning lungs, his tongue licking along the red throat from above the chain to the tip of Corey’s chin then gently sucked the panting man’s bottom lip into his mouth with an approving growl. He slid backwards, his hand sliding off their cocks to rub along his lover’s balls and the top of his thigh. “Are you grateful yet? Do you want more?” he lightly tugged on the chain, nails digging into Corey’s freshly healed, but still sensitive thigh.

The sudden rush of oxygen pushed Corey's brain to blissful euphoria at the edge of being conscious from joy, and also caused to those whining sounds to escape his sore throat.   
“Please master... Give me more…” he breathed shivering constantly.

“So fucking needy… I like that… Always needing more… so much more,” Jim kissed along the other man’s jaw-line then slid lower to suck and bite a nipple, not moving the chain yet to torture Corey further. He kept that up for a good minute to hear more from those whimpering, needy sounds. Then as Corey took a breath, Jim suddenly tightened the chain while his lips were biting his nipple harder. Another round of counting followed that, keeping the chain tight a bit longer this time until Jim finally released it and while Corey was recovering, he reached for the bottle of lube he fetched beforehand.

Corey was basking in the numbing sensations that made him focus on nothing more than the striking pain rushing over and tensing his body while he cried out long and weak as his brain gave up again on functioning without air. He was rushed back into this earthly life by adrenaline to pull him back to joy and whining. Nothing else mattered. Nothing else existed.

Meanwhile Jim wet his fingers and after pushing Corey’s legs more open and up, he slid them to the tight opening, rubbing and teasing it the way he knew the singer liked. “You have no fucking idea how arousing you are right now… I’m gonna fuck you so good, pet… You’re gonna beg for mercy,” he murmured, not caring if Corey actually heard him. What mattered now was that Jim’s finger finally found its way up into that tight hotness and he couldn’t wait to bury himself into it.

Jim’s words reached his flooded mind briefly as his body jerked to move against the long fingers, only able to moan and whine like a needy puppy that he was turning into more and more.

From there Jim didn’t need to work that much on Corey’s body to open up for him. An occasional tug on the chain to cut off his breathing, another finger added and he was so fucking ready for him. Smearing the remaining lube and his own pre-cum on his long cock he positioned himself against the waiting hole and slid in with a loud groan, the chain loose in that moment so he could hear Corey. Then his hips snapped forward, pushing Corey’s legs further up with his own thighs, quickly picking up a fast rhythm to pound the singer’s shaking and shivering body.

Corey was pulling on the ropes holding his wrists as his back arched and lifted from the bed in the feeling as his body was split in half, followed by the hot rush of burning pleasure escalating higher and higher as he got completely lost in his mind, huffing and groaning like a dying animal, unable to follow any more commands, just aching for the end release.

As Jim was getting more and more into it, he practically bent Corey in half, who ended up with his legs on the guitarist’s shoulders, his hole being pounded as fast and hard as Jim dared to go as control started slipping him too. And all the while the end of the choking chain was in one of his hands (holding Corey in every meaning possible) and tugging and releasing it to add to his lover’s pleasure; and help him forget everything else.

“Come on, puppy… I know you want to… Cum for me!” he panted close to the singer’s half-open mouth, occasionally licking into it then he tightened the chain harder than before, making sure that Corey would have a nice vivid “necklace” of bruises the next day.

Between his panting and moans, Corey managed to hear his master's words and as the last longer and more hard choking has ended, his body’s last remaining control gave up and he came hard with a cramping body and dying howl, pulling his mate with him into the blinding oblivion.

Even as he started coming in the squirming and fucking hot body, Jim made sure to loosen the chain enough to let Corey get that precious oxygen that would send him even higher than the pot or the booze could. This was pure pleasure for both of them and the guitarist’s body was jerking just as much as his lover’s while they were riding out their overwhelming orgasm until they ended up as panting sweaty messes, bodies entangled so tight that neither of them knew where they started or ended. It was fucking perfection.

Coming down from their orgasmic high, the singer's body also stared to feel. “Jimmy… I can't feel my shoulder,” Corey whispered panting, even laughing on the fact, a little still with a spinning head while nuzzling his face to his mate's head resting on his shoulder.

“Yeah… yeah, sorry,” Jim chuckled hoarsely a bit too. He was still kinda out of it as he slid out of Corey slowly then moved to let the tied out hands free. Once he did, the long-haired man started massaging the numb arms and shoulders one by one to restore their circulation. “You were out of this world,” he murmured low and pressed a sensual kiss against the other’s lips, putting all his deep emotions into it. “Love you,” he said barely audible, looking into Corey’s eyes. Jim didn’t know what he’d do without the short man anymore.

“You made me get out of this world,” Corey hissed at the feel of millions of pins running up and down in his arms as the blood started to flow again in his limbs. He returned the passionate kiss, hugging Jim close to his body. “I love you too, Jimmy,” he said smiling into the hazel eyes. He has to make Jim happy.

***

The rest was over. Jim was true to his promise, though. The singer needed to rest for the two days to be able to walk normal again. The meeting with the others was lighter with the comments like "Here we go again..." from Clown and the other joking comments bantered out for Corey's pretty new necklace. And there was Sid and his killing stare. Oh well. Can't please them all...

These two days definitely helped to lift Jim's mood a bit, too. Focusing on Corey's needs and getting wasted with him felt good. First he was a bit worried about how vivid the new necklace became but then seeing how proudly Corey was wearing it – and pressing it time after time when he thought Jim wasn't looking – the guitarist relaxed.

He didn't even care just chuckled a bit as he exchanged a meaningful look with the singer while the guys were joking about it. Except for Sid. If stares could kill, Jim would've dropped dead a few times from the looks he got from the kid, but he wasn't going to be the one to go to him. After all, Sid was the asshole in this. Now he had other things to focus on. Like Corey and surviving the tour.

The shows continued and so did the drinking of the singer. His stage personality slowly but surely crept under his skin once again, like always when his mental balance got out of hand. But this time he was scared that he would do something considering Jim, and that he might hurt his mate with it. Good thing that the spirit of Paul was there more and more to talk these over with. He wasn't losing his mind again... He he’s been just having a rough time. That's all... He needed more to feel. More rough sex. More pain. More blood. More drinks. That's all…

Things were getting out of hand for the guitarist too. And it wasn’t just because he found an old friend again that came in powdered form. He tried to resist its calls, he really did. But as things were progressing – once up and once down, like it always did with the touring and emotional rollercoaster they were – it became harder and harder and Jim found himself drinking and smoking pot (or snorting coke) more and more too. Corey was lost in his own world, pulling away, which made Jim feel rejected and not enough, no matter how hard he was trying to get through to him. The sex was harder and bloodier than ever as the guitarist was trying to please his mate as much as possible (and trying not to freak out), but Corey kept him out and disappeared into the night on his own more and more. That left Jim helpless and fucked up.

He tried to spend more time with Shawn, Mick or Chris or someone from the band (except for Sid, of course as they were still in beef and not talking), but his introvert self got stronger as they were rocking the stage nearly each night. He felt like he was taking apart Corey’s stage persona instead of Corey himself and that left him with a throbbing hollowness, although he knew it was a vital part of the singer too. Every time he tried to address this problem, something came up or the singer waved it off. It left Jim like suffocating and turn into himself some more. In most of his free time he was cooped up in a corner playing his guitar or getting shitfaced. Or both, while pretending to be okay when he was so fucking far from that.

The singer went out to drink to stir up shit. Like mostly every evening for a while now. Not that Jim wouldn't get shitfaced on his own either. He should take care of his mate... But he had to stop the voices and feeling inside his head. Paul was with him now, he could feel it almost constantly and he felt horribly guilty.

And as he got closer to their hotel room, for Jim too. Fuck. The voices in his brain kept telling him how worthless he was so there was no use to even try. He is a cheater too… He is unfaithful to Paul and Jim and was a selfish fucktard.

Rubbing his face he walked into the room calling for his mate.

Jim was sitting on the couch with a guitar on his lap, a few pot stubs already sticking out from the ashtray and that certain smell lingering in the room. He was too fucked up to communicate on the phone so he’s been chatting with Cristina through Facebook until she had to go to sleep or something. He was talking with her more often nowadays. She was one of the rare constant things in his life and when the ground was slipping from under his feet, Jim usually turned towards her at some point.

He had no illusions about Cristina not sensing that he was getting shitfaced more often nowadays, but bless her heart, she didn’t call him on it. She understood. That was one of the reasons why Jim loved their talks.

Since they said goodbye, Jim has been playing the guitar while smoking pot and drinking, trying to wait up for Corey. His fingers were aching and getting sore and sensitive from all the playing, but he didn’t care either that he’d cut a couple of fingers in his drunken stupor. He didn’t care about much besides wallowing in self-pity and missing Corey. So pathetic… He knew fucking well. But as if in a trance and not giving a shit about the neighbors, he kept strumming his guitar, making it cry instead of him.

“Jim? Jimmy??” Corey called his mate kneeling before him and stopping his hand on the guitar. Fuck. He should just vanish from the face of the earth for not being here for this man.

"You're back," Jim smiled at Corey, his hands shaking and fingers twitching under Corey's palm. "Where have you been? I thought I'd wait up for you... so we can go to sleep together," he slurred as if everything was okay. "I'm fine. Just tired. Wanna cuddle with me? I'm thirsty. Wanna drink something?" he looked around as if searching for something to offer Corey.

“I'm good, love. I'm good. Come to bed with me?” Corey squeezed the shaking hand of the other man. Jim was fucking high as a kite and falling apart. And it was all his fault. “Come on, baby. We both drank enough. Let's rest now.”

"Rest sounds... good..." he weakly squeezed Corey's hand back, ignoring the pain from his fingers or the fact that he just smeared some half-dried blood on it. All that mattered was that Corey came back. He came back to him for some reason. Jim had no idea why would he want to come back to such a mess as he's been lately. "I’d bleed for you..." he grumbled then giggled as he let Corey help him up to stumble to the bed. "Fuck, I think I already do… I love you... Stay with me..." he said incoherently and barely audible as his back hit the bed and he was fighting to stay awake.

“I would never leave you,” Corey said and meant every word as his heart twisted heavily in his chest. He lifted the bruised hand to his lips and started to lick the blood off of it slowly. “I love you too, Jimmy.” _Please don't kill yourself too because I am shit_ , he added in his thoughts.

"Good... good... thank you," Jim mumbled, forcing his red and hazy eyes to focus on the man he loved so fucking much. It was hurting, but it was worth it. It'd always be worth it. "You're worth it, Cor..." he voiced his thoughts as Corey was licking his blood off then his eyelids slid shut and he drifted away into a restless sleep.

"No I'm not. I'm not worth this at all," Corey thought kissing now the hand of his mate as his tears rolled down on  his face. He was drunk also and that fact didn't help on his emotions eating him up. He looked away and saw Paul sitting on the couch where Jim was a few minutes ago and playing on the guitar. No. Jim can't fade away because of him too. He wasn't there to protect Paul. And now he was messing up Jim. He really is the one who should have died.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

_“I cannot maintain a semblance of Normal anymore…”_

He was feeling like shit and he didn’t even move this time. He felt an arm draped over his middle and a body pressing against his back. His fingers were throbbing and he felt so fucking hot and the room was spinning even without opening his eyes. What the fuck has happened?

Jim didn’t have much time to muse on it, because a wave of nausea hit him hard and he half-blindly scrambled out of bed, trying to not mess up the floor. Stumbling and banging against a few things with his side or shoulders he just made it in time to the toilet and dropped on his knees to retch his guts out while hugging the porcelain throne.

 _The glamorous life of a rock star_ , he thought bitterly as his eyes welled up from emptying the little he had in his stomach. He didn’t even care about his hair. He would wash it out under a much needed shower anyways. Fuck his life.

Without a word Corey kneeled behind his mate and caressed the long hair away from his forehead. He felt like crying. Fuck... He had flashbacks from his past with Paul. And he felt awful.

It took some time for the spasms to ease up and Jim to be able to wipe his mouth and nose with some toilet paper before flushing. He felt disgusting and ashamed for Corey having to see him like this. "I'm sorry..." he whispered, trying to ignore the heavy pounding in his head. It was as if Joey found a way in there with his fucking drum kit for a good drumming session.  
  
"Toothpaste... shower," he mumbled, lightly squeezing Corey's caressing hand. The sharp pain finally made him look down a bit surprised to see the dried blood from the cuts on his fingers, but he just sighed and gathered his strength to drag himself to the sink and quickly wash his teeth to get rid of the bad taste in his mouth, his eyes avoiding Corey's as he felt so fucking bad for putting his shit on the singer's shoulder too.

Corey just nodded and stood there watching Jim washing his teeth. He felt like vanishing for letting Jim get this way. “I'm sorry, love. I help you shower. You want me to?” he asked low and concerned.

“Yeah,” Jim said after drinking some water from the tap to ease the roughness of his voice from the retching. He reached out a hand for Corey to help him walk on his unsteady legs. He felt like he was a thousand years old man as fatigue took over his exhausted body. He had no idea when was the last time he’d eaten a full meal. His diet consisted mostly of booze and pot nowadays. No wonder he didn’t lose weight. Rolling his burning eyes at himself he took off his T-shirt and boxers and stood under the barely warm water, taking deep breaths as his skin got used to the temperature. It felt fucking good. Then he let his mate help him clean up.

“I’ll get better, I promise. I just… overdid it last night,” he said, hissing as the water and shower gel made contact with his fingers, so he rather let the washing part to Corey, focusing on staying standing instead. This was going to be a “fun” day to look forward to. And they were traveling to their next destination soon. Fuck. He had to play the next night with his cut and numb fingers. Double fuck.

“It's okay love. I help you in everything,” Corey said and kissed the nape of his mate as he washed the long shaking body. He noticed the expression Jim made. “We have to put bandage on your fingers,” he added closing the shower tap and fetching a towel to rub him dry more or less. His head was spinning too but he had to focus on Jim now.

“Yeah,” Jim hung his head low, hiding behind his wet but finally clean hair as his lover rubbed him more or less dry. He wanted to do the same to return the favor, but he couldn’t. _I’m failing him again. I’m going to fail the band and the fans too with such fingers_ , he thought bitterly.

“We should try to eat something… You look like crap too,” he chuckled dryly as he finally looked at Corey. “Then rest before we have to hit the road. Room service? And aspirin. Lots of it,” he groaned and stepped to his lover to hug him a bit awkwardly before walking back into the bedroom.

“Yeah… I could use some of that too. And some ice. Or a bucket of it,” Corey chuckled too and followed, picking up the phone to order what was needed. He has to make it up to Jim somehow.

After taking the tray inside he walked to the bed to hug and caress his man. “Want to eat? Or just aspirin?” he asked on a light tone, pressing his body to Jim and a kiss to the other's face too.

“Aspirin and water first,” he smiled a bit from the signs of Corey’s affection. It felt good after what he’s been doing in the past hour. Jim wasn’t an overly talkative person, but now he was quieter than usual as he waited then took and swallowed the pills with some water. He hoped he could stomach some light breakfast.

Swallowing his share of the painkillers and sipping on the banana shake on ice cubes made Corey feel a bit better physically at least. His hangover was not a matter as he got used to the symptoms over the years. Going back to show his caring and love to Jim he sat on the edge of the bed and nuzzled the long arm next to him. “I'm sorry that I am not here for you as you deserve it. I try to be better for you. Actually… You… You are the one I'm trying to be better for. And I'm sorry that I'm failing you and the promise I've made.”

Jim was just staring at the food, his throbbing and sore fingers resting on his thighs as he felt Corey nuzzle his tattooed arm, talking to him. Strands of his wet hair fell into his pale face as he nodded along to the singer’s words. “I’m sorry too, baby,” he looked at him with his hazel puppy eyes. “I’m failing my promise to Pauly too,” he murmured but didn’t say more just shook his head. “Could you get me something to wrap my fingers in? I messed them up a bit last night. Lost my pick at one point,” he shrugged. He had no appetite either as he was sitting there cross-legged on the bed, feeling like shit and an utter disappointment.

“Yeah, sure,” Corey stood and searched over his backpack for some stronger band aid and dermo cream to heal the cuts faster. “This will fix it up fast. You'll rock just like new,” he smiled up at Jim kneeling down and treating the damaged fingers, even kissing gently each bandaged fingertip and nuzzled Jim's thigh looking up at him with sad blue eyes. “Talk to me please. I want to make you feel better… Can I?”

The guitarist’s expression was closed as his lover took care of his fingers. But when he was done and rested his head on the long thigh, Jim thanked him for his help, lifted a hand and with the back of it caressed Corey’s cheek, contemplating on what to say. “I don’t know really what to say, you know…” he sighed and to buy some time for himself, he reached for a buttered toast to munch on. Maybe his stomach would be able to handle that.

He ate in silence, but put half of the bread back on the tray when his stomach said no to more. Instead he drank some more water and kept caressing Corey’s cheek and head. He wasn’t ready to tell everything that was on his mind and in his heart, but maybe a little would help him feel a bit better. Maybe.

“I promised Pauly to… stay strong… keep you safe and take care of you, you know… But I’m obviously not doing a very good job…” he snorted. After all, Corey ended up pulling back from him and disappearing nearly every night by then. “I don’t want to lose you because I’m fucked up,” he said bitterly and looked into Corey’s sad eyes. “Do you still want me to belong to you? Because I do, but I’m not sure you feel the same. And I don’t want to hold you or drag you back… I never wanted to do that…” he trailed off, trying to put a lid on his messed up thoughts. He didn’t even know if what he was saying made sense to Corey.

“It's not your fault, Jimmy. It's me. I… See and hear things... And I can't cope with it,” Corey confessed burying his face in the sheet next to Jim's thigh. He cannot mess up Jim too. Not him. His fucking brain always makes him ruin everyone like he is a fucking plague. He felt his bitter tears welling up again as he hid away his face. In his shut eyes his mind flashing visions to torture him, mostly of a pair of black sad eyes.

“I want to be yours and want you to be mine… I want to take care of you,” Corey whispered as he tried to get himself together. Promising to hell knows who to really do that, but he meant every word of it.

Jim’s heart was breaking once again seeing Corey so vulnerable. He knew he was one of the very few the singer let this side of him to see. He always felt honored when Corey let him in like this. In a twisted way he’d missed it too. Not that Cor was miserable and probably hating his own guts out, but the fact that he’d let Jim in a bit again. He was the strongest drug Jim has ever had – and the most addictive one too. He just hoped that they would find a way to balance each other out instead of ruining everything. This relationship had to work… for both their sakes.

He so wanted to ask what Corey was seeing and hearing so he could listen and try to figure out something to help the singer, but the tall man knew that just admitting that was probably hard enough for Corey, so he decided not to push it for now. He could ask him later too. Now they needed time to heal each other.

Now that Joey wasn’t so loud in his head and his stomach settled too, Jim could think clearer. He slid his bandaged up fingers down to Corey’s neck to caress along the now barely visible “necklace”. “Look at me, Cor,” the guitarist asked as Jim, not as Corey’s master. “I want you to take care of me and I want to take care of you too. That will never change,” he said. “Come here,” he murmured and pulled Corey onto his lap, his long arms going around the smaller body to hold him tight and safe. “I want us to make love now, Corey. The rest can wait. I want to feel you close and around me. What you say?” he kissed the other man’s forehead.

Only able to nod and plant sweet kisses on the long neck, pushing his body closer to his mate, he was shaking from his own messed up brain. He wanted to feel loved and belonged too. Accepted after all of the crap he did to everyone. To feel okay and that he is for someone. Someone as great and giving as Jim. How can he fuck up Jim??? His dark emotions started to beat him up again as his body trembled more. “I'm sorry. I want to... Make love to me, Jimmy. Please...” he lifted his head to look into the hazel eyes with his own desperate blue ones.

“Shh… I will, baby,” Jim held him a bit tighter and leaned down to kiss the trembling lips. This time the urging and raw moves were missing as they got lost in the kisses and caresses. Then Jim rolled on top of the singer, his mouth worshipping the soft lips and the thick neck as he was rocking lightly against the other erection.

It felt so amazing to let Corey fill all of his senses again… He wanted to hide from his problems and fucked up thoughts in the other man at least for a while. Handing the lube to the singer Jim kept staring at the flushed man under him. He was so tiny compared to him, which was always fucking with Jim’s mind in a good way. “Open yourself up for me, baby. I can’t now…” he trailed off after undressing Cor, meaning his sore and bandaged up fingers. Then his intense eyes kept watching Corey, the sounds he made sending shivers down his spine, right into his leaking cock.

Moaning along as his own fingers moved inside his needy body, the singer kept his eyes on his lover. He wanted this so much. He wanted it! His heart was aching for the love he knew for sure Jim could give him. The long strong body hovering above him, making him feel protected and safe. Corey wanted to be in love madly and get lost in it. To share it with Jim. But his brain kept telling him he was worthless of that all. But now… He just wanted to feel it. Let his senses get lost in the gentle touches, the scent of his lover, the feeling that he is wanted and cared for... Deciding that he was ready, he pulled his fingers out of his body and crossed his legs over the hips of the man above him. “I love you, Jimmy. I'm yours…”

The guitarist moaned from Corey’s words, his eyes softening then he slid his long cock into the trembling body with a long groan. This was heaven. It felt like getting home. “I love you too, Corey… Always had. Always will. I’m yours too…” he whispered onto the singer’s lips then as Jim started moving in and out of Corey with his long strokes, he began kissing him deeply and thoroughly.

For now Jim was trying to push back his self-doubt and pain too in favor of letting his love for this man show in each kiss, stroke and move he made. As well as enjoying what he got in return. He was covering Corey’s willing body as much as he could. Now he was only Jim’s and the guitarist was only his. After a while, when the throbbing in his fingers got stronger from this position, Jim rolled onto his back, pulling Corey along and asking him to ride him.

Placing his hands on the sweaty chest of his lover, Corey was riding him slow, enjoying every sensation, every touch of the big hands on his sides and hips, just like he wanted to carve the feelings inside his heart to remember being loved and accepted for as long as possible. His bloodlust and need for pain was nowhere as he opened his heart up to his mate and wanted to make Jim feel just as amazing as Corey saw the guitarist in his eyes.

Corey was so beautiful as their bodies were like meeting waves, mixing together over and over with each roll of their hips. Jim couldn’t get enough of the sight and feeling as he was staring up at the singer, drinking in every detail of his body. The way a sweat drop was running down on his chest tattoo, or the shaky breaths he was taking through his slightly parted lips, or the jumping of muscles under skin. But what Jim loved the most was the singer’s relaxed expression that was showing sheer pleasure.

For most of the time Jim was resting his slightly trembling hands on Corey’s thigh or hips, occasionally stroking him or holding his small ass that was taking him so smoothly and beautifully it was insane. The guitarist wanted to squeeze, but instead he kept caressing the sweaty body. As sappy as it might have sounded, he wanted to cry, because Corey was giving in his all, Jim could tell. And Jim gave back just as good.

“Come here…” he asked Corey hoarsely. “Kiss me.”

Even as Corey stretched upon Jim's body, the taller man had to lift his head to reach his lips to stay connected. The kiss was gentle and loving at first, then as Corey's hips grinded faster, also their lips got more demanding, building up to their orgasms slowly, sharing their deep emotions. By the time their lips parted they both where moaning loud, the small man got into his pre-orgasmic trance and all those grunting-whining-moaning sounds escaped his lips and throat as he was also chasing Jim toward their release.

That kiss was fucking amazing. Jim felt like melting as their tongues were battling with each other, none of them taking over. It was an equal share, they were giving and taking the same amount. It was fucking beautiful, he thought. And then they were both panting and Corey was making those exciting noises again which could always drive Jim insane. They were both getting close and as the guitarist was watching Corey, his fingers flexing on the hip he was holding and guiding, he didn't even care that his fingers were sensitive. With his other hand he took the bobbing and leaking cock in his palm and started jerking the singer hoping that he'd mark him as his with his seed too. The thought and the sight made Jim groan too, his hips bucking up faster and sharper to meet Corey's moves. "So close... C’mon..." he urged the singer to let go for him and take him along for the ride.

There was not much need for the urging as Corey was on the edge already and after a few rough moves of his hips he reached his climax with a cramping body and pulled Jim stronger inside him as his seed messed up their bellies.

"Fuck yes!" Jim cried out, watching and enjoying as they got hit by Corey’s seed and he was pulled deeper into that fucking amazing heat that was pulsing around him. Jim fucked up into Corey a few more times then he came too with a long groan, his hand squeezing the last drops of Corey's cum from his relieved member.

Wiping it off on the redhead's thigh, Jim pulled him back down onto his messy chest, an urge to kiss the singer quickly flooding him, although they both were still panting and not really down to earth just yet. But he wanted to bask in their union for a few more moments before reality would crash back in to ruin it.

Getting off of Jim slowly, Corey moved up a bit to nuzzle and kiss his mate properly, panting onto the swollen lips. He has to hold onto this feeling and not let Jim fall apart. He must try his best. No matter how the shadows of his past kept coming back to his vision.

After a few minutes of kissing and calming down, Jim was holding Corey close as they were enjoying the limited time they had before it was time to pack and hit the road again. Jim wasn't looking forward to that. He was afraid of the next show because of his fingers, but he didn't show or say that.

But something else was bugging his mind too that he tried to decide if he should ask or not. Finally he did while sliding his hand onto the singer's waist. "What kind of things have you been seeing and hearing? Will you tell me, love?"

As a response Corey hid his face in the crook of his mate's neck. He would mess up either way. But he had to show Jim that he trusted him and was close to him. Swallowing hard he finally spoke on a low broken voice, barely above a whisper. “Pauly… I feel him around me…”

Just as the guitarist thought. He suppressed a bitter sigh and simply stroked the small of Corey’s back with his knuckles in a comforting way. “It’s understandable. His death was a shock and is still fresh. And you two were very close.” _Closer than us will ever be_ , Jim thought, the slightly bitter taste lingering in his mouth, although he’d learned to live with and be content with what Corey could give him. And Jim was always going to be true to what he said: he didn’t want to replace Pauly or become him. “Give some time for yourself, Cor.”

“I'm sorry,” the singer breathed feeling awful. What was he thinking??? For fuck’s sake... He just made Jim feel not enough again. And that was the last thing he wanted to do. “You know how important you are to me? How differently I adore you? Please don't think it is because you are not good enough for me. I just feel as... I was not enough to keep him safe… And I can't bear myself and my thoughts…”

He wanted to believe that. So badly. For now he did and pressed a kiss on the top of Corey’s head and held him tighter. He was about to say something, when his phone started buzzing on the nightstand. When the fuck did that end up there? He thought he’d left it on the couch. Probably the singer put it there.

Sighing he reached out for it and checked the ID. It was Shawn. After a few awkward attempts with his numb fingers he managed to pick it up. To be honest, he felt a bit as if he was saved by the call since he didn’t really know what to reply to Corey. “Hey. What’s up, man?” he asked then cleared his throat.

“Just reminding you two lovebirds that it’s time to stop fucking and getting your shit together. We’re leaving in an hour.” Shawn, always the charming man. That actually made Jim smile to himself.

“What makes you think…?”

“I stopped by your room a while ago to tell you this in person. I heard. Fucking teenagers…” he snorted good-heartedly.

“Okay, whatever. We’ll be down in the lobby in time. Thanks, man,” he said then hung up and looked down at Corey. “We’re leaving in an hour and I think we wounded Shawn for life ‘cuz he’d heard us,” he chuckled low.

“He will get over it,” the singer murmured and went to the bathroom to wash his face. He was at the brink of crying and falling apart and telling all to Jim. Everything. His hallucinations and feelings. All that was with Paul and what is with him. Clown’s call saved him. Or not. Right there he wasn't sure what would be better. 

Walking out he started to get dressed and pack his stuff. The wheels inside his brain kept going and his guilt was chewing on him hard again. And those black eyes followed him wherever he looked.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

_"I'd rather feel pain than try to fit in with you anymore  
I'll throw it all away, like everybody else…”_

The crowd went crazy and was having a blast, their energy surrounding the band and filling the air until breathing got harder – not that in their masks and overalls under the heat of the lamps and running around on stage would make that easy in itself.

Sweat was sliding down on Jim’s spine as he was trying to keep the pace with Mick and Joey and then his sore fingers slipped again. It was the fifth time that night that he fucked up his parts. At least this wasn’t a solo. The audience probably didn’t even notice in their trance, but the band and the guys backstage surely did.

Jim usually didn’t give a damn if he fucked up, just grinned and giggled with a shrug, but this time – thanks to his already messed up mindset – was frustrated and pissed at himself. Disappointment and shame were mixing in him. Of course he liked to play well. This was his life, his passion, the thing that motivated him since that first and last break he’d done from playing the guitar. That one time he tried to get a normal life with a normal job. Well, that didn’t last for long, because that wasn’t his destiny. This was it. Being here on stage in front of a crowd, playing his soul out and giving 200%. Tonight he’d give himself maybe a 60%. He was shit and he knew it without the looks he felt on the back of his head.

He wanted to dig a hole for himself and hide. Jim was right: he was letting the band (and the fans) down. So when the show was finally over, he was the first to march off the stage, his long legs proving to be useful once again. He pushed his guitar in the hand of a tech guy and disappeared backstage to lock himself in one of the showers, take off that fucking mask and overall and clean up.

The show was fucking shit from the view of the singer too. It was one of the rare occasions when he stood on stage slightly illuminated. His vocals were crap and he noticed Jim slipping time after time on his guitar parts. Corey wanted to hurry after his mate and show support but Jim just blasted off stage and left behind everything and everyone. Including Corey, who in his fucked up state felt his heart wretched and rejected. Who cares? He can get drunk by himself as always nowadays while Jim cradles his little bags of coke and pot. The feeling of the pair of black eyes following him was still strong. He had to stop the voices in his head too. So he went to the first shower and changed in record time to fetch a bottle of Jack and kill it behind the buses.

Meanwhile the guitarist had changed into his street clothes after a good long shower and left his shit in the dressing room for the crew to pack up. He wasn’t in the mood. Instead he headed out to town alone, knowing that the buses would go only around dawn. He had a few hours to kill and cool off. Trying to stay “strong” he chose the first pub to drown his sorrows in alcohol instead of finding a quiet corner to smoke some pot or snort a bit of coke to feel better about himself.

He knew that he was probably acting like an asshole, but he needed the alone time in fear of snapping at the others. He didn’t want to do that especially to Corey. Whatever was between them was still standing on shaky grounds and hurting the singer would only push him further away from Jim.

As the tall man was cradling his sixth Jack by a corner table where no one bothered him, he thought that they were going in circles over and over again. Being with Corey was like a fucking rollercoaster ride. He never really liked that as a kid, but got on them so that his friends wouldn’t call him a pussy. He only threw up once. That memory made him grimace, because it reminded him of that morning with Corey in the bathroom. Flexing his lightly throbbing fingers he was staring at them numbly for a while. Glad that for a minute or two no thoughts came to push him lower into his misery. It was fucking refreshing not thinking about anything but the next glass and cigarette for a while.

Sometime during the night a very shitfaced Corey crawled into his bunk and passed out with a loud snoring. Not caring about anything around him till dawn when the bus started to move along with his stomach and both woke him up to reach the toilet and lighten his stomach’s contents. It was a long time ago that he got this wasted... Washing his face in cold water the last night slowly came back to him and made him curse out loud and drop to the floor, punching the tiles.

Behind the busses with his bottle of Jack he got company... And more than just friendly band mate bonding happened between him and Sid... He fucked up everything once again…

Jim didn’t even get to the bunks at dawn minutes before the buses had to leave. He simply crashed on one of the built-in couches. They were more comfortable anyways for his long limbs instead of the bunk he had. It often reminded him of a casket. That was creepy especially after what’d happened to Paul. Shaking off that thought he kicked off his sneakers and took off his denim jacket then turned towards the back of the couch to fall into a drunken sleep. At least this time the moving of the bus wasn’t bothering him.

Yes, it was kinda good for him to go out alone that night. He felt a bit calmer and more collected by the time he headed back to the buses. Okay, maybe the bottle of Jack he’d consumed at that pub had something to do with that, but he felt a bit better about himself and thought that it was safe to head back and be around the others.  Little did he know that that fragile peace of mind wasn’t going to last for too long.

Meanwhile in the bath Corey was on the edge of his sanity. The voices were telling him how much of a worthless shit he was. They were shouting at him that he was a cheater and was ruining now Jim too. Paul killed himself because of his fucking selfish behavior. He is just a burden for all. Everyone gets hurt around him. Look at Jimmy… He was back on drugs and all was falling apart. He is the plague for sure...

As the blaming voices in his head got louder and the visions before his eyes more vivid, he didn't even hear the banging on the door by Mick and Chris or got aware of the razor in his hand and the bleeding little cuts on his left forearm.

***

Oblivious about what was going on in the bathroom, Jim was sleeping soundly, his exhausted body pushing him too deep to wake to any noise or movement around him. He woke hours later because of his bladder. He wasn’t even surprised about being hangover. The bus was still and empty except for him. It was near noon so the others probably went to grab some lunch or something. Jim didn’t mind being alone for a change as he took a piss then washed his face in the now clean bathroom. Rubbing some water on his neck he already felt a bit better.

He got himself one of the last clean mugs and warmed some coffee, not wanting to think just yet. With a cigarette in his mouth and the coffee in his left he climbed off the bus in his sunglasses to give some time for his mind to start working again.

After being practically punched into fainting for his own safety by Mick, the messed up singer was carried to their hotel room and laid to rest with some strong sedatives to numb his brain and let it recover.

The band mates were upset and worried so it didn't take long to find out what happened. Corey got drunk as fuck and the young DJ wanted his share of the frontman behind the buses. Joining the drinking and their flirting from the past he got into the singer's pants and even further. The others decided that it was better to keep quiet about it all and let Corey and Jim figure out their relationship. After all… they have a fucking tour on their hands which requires both a frontman and a rhythm guitarist.

But how Corey fell apart was still something they had to inform Jim about... When he sobers up and shows up sometime...

It took two hours for Jim to put himself back together, but at least he was feeling a bit better and he managed to eat some burgers and fries too before hailing a cab and getting to the hotel with his duffel bag on his back. After checking in and getting a keycard for their room he was wondering what Corey was doing. Getting sober or being on an interview? Jim didn’t remember how they were scheduled since he usually tried to sit them out.

He was about to go to the elevators when he felt a hand lightly slap his arm. Looking over he saw Chris looking up at him with a tense expression. “Thank fuck you’re finally here, Jim…”

“Hey to you too. What’s up?”

“I left you messages, but whatev… Corey kinda fell apart last night in the bus’ bathroom. Mick and I had to sedate him so he wouldn’t keep harming himself. Fuck man, it was bad…”

“Fucking shit!” Jim pressed his eyes shut behind his sunglasses and ran a hand through his long hair. “Thanks man, I’m on my way. I take over from here,” he sighed worried and got into an empty elevator.

“Jim…” he heard Chris’ voice and he turned to look at him. “Keep him together. He’s very fucked up…” he warned him with a strange look, not knowing where to put it. Nodding he pressed the button.

It was dark in their room, but enough light got in for Jim to be able to see. Putting down his stuff and kicking his sneakers off on his way to the bed, he carefully slid next to the sleeping Corey and moved him around until Jim was holding him against his side and chest. “Fuck… I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most…” Jim choked on his last word and kissed the singer’s head.

The singer slept from the strong meds till the night. He started to come around to the noise of Clown knocking and talking to Jim about having to go to the stadium in an hour. When Jim closed the door and walked back, the messed up singer was sitting already and scratching along his scarred forearm, making some of the small cuts bleed again while trying to wake up properly. Just looking at his mate and putting his thoughts together, but he couldn't start to actually talk and confess.

“Hey baby, how are you feeling?” Jim sat down on the edge of the bed and gently stopped Corey’s scratching hand to take it in his own. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you. The guys told me what’d happened. I should’ve been there. But I’m here now… I’m also sorry about the way I fucked up last night during the show and for disappearing. I didn’t want to snap at you or anyone else because I was so frustrated with myself and my playing. I just needed a few drinks. I’m sorry,” he repeated, thinking that he should give the singer an explanation for his absence.

“I ordered your banana shake. Please, try to drink it. I don’t want you to faint during the show. I already packed our stuff together,” he murmured, caressing Corey’s hand with his own and gave him a small reassuring smile before leaning in to kiss his cheek gently.

He felt a lump in his throat from all the gentle caring Jim showed towards him, yet he just lost his mind – and pants – drunk and forgot about this man who always had the soft spot in his heart... He really was an awful fuck. Nothing changed. Still the careless obnoxious kid everyone should be better off without. 

He just took the banana shake and sipped on it slowly, nodding to the words of Jimmy.   
“I'm sorry… I didn't want to...” he only could whisper that when Jim helped him to his feet to get going.

At least he should not mess up the gig. He can let Jim kill him after that…

***

Something was strange. It took Jim a little time to notice it. Corey was messed up still, but only those could see it who knew him better. Sometimes Jim wondered how many masks the singer actually had on. But it wasn’t just Corey and his “pulling away” kind of behavior to which sadly Jim was starting to get used to.

It was everyone. Starting with the smug grins Sid sent towards Jim. But he just shook those off, thinking that the DJ had popped a few pills or something. As long as he stayed away, Jim didn’t care. The rest of the band was doing it too. Looking at him strange, nearly pitying. What the fuck? Did he do something stupid while drunk? He couldn’t remember meeting anyone by the time he got back to the bus. Or was this about his playing from last night? Were they worried that he’d fuck up again? Well geez… Jim’s resolve was strong: he was going to be better that night. The balm Corey gave him was starting to finally work and his fingers weren’t so sore anymore, so he thought he was going to be okay tonight.

For now he tried to keep an eye on Corey and linger as close to him as he allowed. Then the lights went down and the intro started. Jim stroked along Corey’s back as he passed him on his way towards his spot on the stage and then the show was on.

That stroke was a trigger in Corey's brain to explode. The show was great in the eyes of the fans. The singer's stage personality took him totally over. Making the rest of the band worry about him. The performance was hyper and raw and beastly like the _Iowa_ days. The howling screaming beast brought the house down for sure.

Going off stage and heading to the shower still on that mindset, passing some grinning and whispering tech guys, Corey could only focus on the rage still working in his veins, the lyrics and how they made him feel and relive so many aching moments in his life, and how to talk to Jim about last night...

The show and its pace were crazy. While concentrating on his playing – luckily his fingers were working better and he only slipped twice – Jim tried to keep an eye on the singer. Corey was overworking himself, letting the beast fully out. Not even Jim’s occasional close presence could soothe him. Although it slightly pissed the tall man off, he tried to ignore the kid, who did one of his kneeling and bowing in front of Corey thing again. But all in all, the show itself was fucking energetic and overwhelming for both the audience and them.

This time Corey was the one who stormed off first, Jim only seeing his back as he disappeared backstage. He’d probably have to center the singer again once they were alone. Thinking about that, this time Jim himself put his guitar back in the case where his babies were lined up. He just made sure she was safe when a fragment of a nearby conversation hit his ears and Corey’s name caught his attention.

“Man, I think Corey was this energetic because he got some from Sid last night,” one of their tech guys said and Jim froze in shock.

“You must be kidding!” the other guy said.

“Nope. I saw it with my own eyes behind the bus. Pants down, cock balls deep in Sid. They were fucking enjoying it, no doubt about that,” he chuckled a bit.

“Damn, Root won’t be happy about it when he finds out… You do know that he’s kinda with Taylor, right?”

“Yeah. It’s not a big secret. Everyone here knows.”

Jim saw red. He couldn’t remember the last time anger flooded his mind like this. Not even when he nearly hit the kid on that corridor. His own beast was still close to the surface and it was roaring inside. Emerging from behind the boxes the two tech guys cursed, but Jim didn’t give a fuck about them. He stormed off and headed right towards their dressing room while fighting to take off his fucking mask on the way. It landed somewhere on the floor as the door banged shut behind him, probably startling the unmasked singer.

“You fucking lying piece of shit.” That was the first thing that rushed out of his mouth on an icy tone. “How long have you been fucking him behind my back?!”

The singer was still on his stage high so for Jim's attack his first instinct was to attack back.   
“From last fucking night when you went out without a fucking word to roll around in your self-pity again. Like allllll is fucking revolving around how the majestic James Root plays on stage ‘cause no one else has no problem at all and no one else can feel worried for you or care for you just yourself!” Corey howled all in one breath, face flushed red and shaking and the second the last sound left his mouth he regretted all of it.

The words were like poisoned daggers shot through Jim, only fuelling his own anger. “Oh look who’s talking, Mr. Can’t Keep It In My Pants when ‘The Majestic James Root’ is not around for one fucking night! You’re such a hypocrite! You keep disappearing on your own to god knows where to wallow in your self-pity while I’m waiting around worried for you like a stupid puppy just to try putting you back together!” Jim shouted back just as good, not caring if anyone heard them through the thin walls. “I was fucking finally getting better and I have to learn that you not just lost it while cutting yourself but you fucked that stupid kid too? Way to show your worry for me, Corey!”

“What the actual fuck do you know about that? Huh? I never pity myself. Did you ever really get to know me during all these years of working together and being so close and you being ‘in love’ with me??? I. NEVER. PITY. MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!” the singer shouted by then as his huge voice could bear it. His body was trembling as he pulled off and threw the bathrobe on the floor, his fair, almost pinkish skin just came out of the hot shower, making all the faded scars all over him highlighted, as well as light purple lines here and there. “FUCKING WHEN WAS I NOT CARING ABOUT YOU??? I WAS TRYIN’ TO BEAR MYSELF AND NOT DRAG YOU INTO THIS SHIT THAT IS ME AND WHAT I AM!”

And that was where the entire band got into the dressing room and tried to keep the two lovers from jumping at each other.

Anger was still coursing through his veins as Corey’s loud voice was ringing in his ears, but before he could say anything else, the door burst open and he found himself being held back by Mick. As he looked around, he saw a kinda shocked Sid standing there too. He was lucky Mick had a vice grip across his chest, but Jim could still point a finger at Sid and shout angrily. “YOU! Get the fuck out, you little backstabbing shit! GET OUT!”

They probably never saw Jim in such a rage, but he didn’t care. He had to focus his anger and pain on someone and the kid was the perfect target now.

“THE BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP ACTING LIKE FUCKING KIDS!” they heard Clown’s bellow. Jim could’ve sworn that the room shook from it. Now that got everyone’s attention and all eyes jumped at Shawn’s fucking pissed form.

“YOU GET OUT, SID!” Shawn pointed to the door then turned back to the mates. “You two! How dare you two try to fuck up the band I and Paul formed? How the fuck can you both be so selfish to not care about his legacy and anyone other than your fucking love life? Shut the fuck up and solve it all till the morning or go the fuck back home with the first plane. Now get dressed and out before all the press gets here and stir more shit!” and with that Clown stormed out, slamming the door. The others followed slowly, mumbling such things as “really sort it out”, and “don’t be stupid” as they left.

Corey turned away, he couldn't hold back his sobbing and he got dressed while the only sounds were his hiccups and sniffing mixed with occasional low whimpers as all the frustration and Shawn’s words were working inside him.

Jim hid behind his hair as he hung his head low, taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself down. Shawn was right. This got way out of hand and in their anger they said some pretty awful shit to each other. If they wanted to continue – both staying in the band and their relationship – they had to try working on this.

Rubbing his filthy face and stroking his hair back Jim looked at Corey’s back. Fuck, Jim hated it when the singer was crying like that. Especially if it was his fault. Why the fuck couldn’t they just be happy? Why did they both have to continuously fuck things up not just for each other but for everyone else? This tour was already hard in itself without their additional drama and trying to figure out how to deal with all of this…

“I’m gonna wash up. Meet me back in the hotel room. We have to talk,” Jim murmured much softer, but didn’t dare to go to Corey. Not this time. He was still pissed and hurt and his demons were trying to crawl out of their holes too. Instead he grabbed his regular clothes and closed the bathroom door on himself to take a quick shower. And if some silent tears mixed into the water too, no one could call him on it.

***

The singer went straight to the hotel room and dropped on the bed. His tears kept coming back. He was so fucking stupid!!! He was messing it all up for everyone. Popping some pills to numb his stirred up brain he tried to stay awake and think over how to apologize to Jim after their dressing room scene.

Dark thoughts were still swirling in Jim’s mind and he was sure that he’d choke Sid with his bare hands if he saw him now, but no one was in sight by the time he got back to the hotel room. Staying sober after such a night was fucking hard, but he had to have a clear head when he was going to talk to Corey.

Although that might have to wait for a while, because once he got into their room, he saw him sleeping in the bed, eyes puffy from crying. Jim sighed and put down his bag before kicking off his shoes and sitting down into the armchair in the corner to watch over Corey’s dream. He had no heart to wake him. Not when he slept so irregularly and so little.

Rubbing his eyes, the heartbroken man was thinking about what to say to the singer once he woke up. Jim was so damn tired too, but his body was in that overtired state when he wasn’t able to rest or sleep, so that left him with thinking and watching Corey.

Feeling Jim near him, Corey suddenly sat up looking around in the half-lit room, rubbing his face with a long groan. Then he spotted Jim. 

“Hi... Err... Well... First of all I am sorry. You have no idea how fucking sorry I am. For getting drunk and let Sid do what he did. And that I fucked him,” he swallowed and kept looking at Jim seriously. “And for every word I yelled at you about pitying yourself. ‘Cause you have your issues like I do. Please know that I am very sorry for everything. But I truly can't bare myself or my visions. And ... and you can yell at me more now.”

“I don’t want to yell at you anymore,” Jim leaned forward in the armchair, putting his elbows on his knees. “I’m so fucking sorry too, Cor… about everything I said in my anger. I know how much you’re hating and blaming yourself. I wish I could find a way to help on that and on your visions… But I won’t lie. It broke my heart to learn about Sid the way I did,” he sighed and shook his head, running his hand through his hair again and then just held his head between his big hands, tapping some rhythm absently on his skull while gathering his thoughts and maybe courage.

“If you want to fuck a man, do me instead.” There it was. He said what’s been on his mind since he had sat down into that armchair.

“I wanted to tell you face to face just couldn't find the time…” Corey cut in fast then just wanted for Jim to respond or add something. But what the other man said left his big mouth open and him speechless, which was also not something that he was famous for. He just looked at his mate for long minutes before asking low: “You really want that?”

Jim nodded to the singer’s explanation. It might as well be true. They had a fucking shitty day and by the time Corey woke up, they had to rush to the stadium. But then the silence that followed Jim’s suggestion was starting to eat at the guitarist’s already shaky confidence, making the ugly head of anxiety trying to rear up. Still, Corey’s expression was priceless. That itself made this all worth it. Very few managed to render the big mouthed singer speechless.

“Yes,” Jim finally said on an even tone. He did want Corey to take him. He wanted that for a while now, but wasn’t ready to tell him yet. But now, when so much was at stake, Jim wanted to do it. Despite his aching heart or that maybe this wasn’t the best time. He still wanted it. He still wanted Corey. He really was Jim’s most addictive drug. He couldn’t really understand why or how, but he knew he didn’t want to lose the singer. It was fucked up to say the least, but he didn’t care. “If you’ll take me. If you still want me…” he added the last part barely audible, perhaps more to himself.

“I do… I mean... I really always wanted you… Just… just want you to be sure…” the singer added as his brain was running a mile a minute. After all the shit Jim really was his mate, he always wanted to keep the tall man safe and happy. “Come here to me please, Jimmy...”

Corey was clearly still shocked, but the guitarist didn’t mind. He knew this was big, but he was sure. He wanted to fully become the singer’s. After all, there was nothing else to lose. He was already the other man’s, no matter what. Tonight was a proof of that.

Standing he walked over to the bed. He was a bit nervous, but he still trusted Corey. Climbing onto the bed to him he sat down and ran a hand down on the other man’s back in an attempt to try easing his shock. “I am sure…” he leaned in to peck his lips. “I want you to…” he whispered. “Please. I’m ready.”

Corey kissed him back slowly as an answer, deepening the kiss and stroking Jim's chest and neck. Taking the lead he pulled Jim's tee off, leaning down to treat that beloved hairy chest and hardening big nipples with all the emotions he got for the man.

Jim sighed shakily and closed his eyes as he let Corey do his magic that left his body wanting more. It worked every time. He leaned back on one hand to push his chest out, stomping down his insecurities as he let himself just enjoy the soft pampering with low moans and a quickly awakening cock.

Corey gently pushed Jim on his back and popped his jeans open. His one hand reaching in to stroke along the length lifting at his palm there before getting rid of the pants too and after kissing the adored belly along of the hem of the boxers, he got his own clothes off, laying half-way onto the long body, kissing Jim’s lips passionately again and also a little demanding.

He was following Corey’s lead in everything he was doing. His heart was speeding up and he moaned low as the pressure on his erection eased and he could feel Corey’s hand on him. Then he helped him get rid of his jeans and kissed him back, melting against the other man’s tongue, his body relaxing further. This felt so good, so much better than yelling at each other. This was something Jim knew. This was the real them, not the screaming angry assholes they were not so long ago. He wanted to give his everything to Corey and Jim let it show in his kisses and the way his hands were caressing the other wherever he could reach him, his hips lightly bucking up in search of some much needed friction.

The still kinda nervous and shocked singer moved lower on Jim's body, pulling his underwear down to free the awaiting hardness and lick slowly along the length, pressing a kiss to the leaking tip passionately before fully swallowing the whole long member, making his mate cry out.

The long-haired man cursed under his breath once Corey's lips touched his erection then as it got sucked between them, he cried out and bucked his hips forward, nearly choking his mate. Fucking singers and their deep throats! Yeah, Corey had a skilled mouth and his blowjobs were one of Jim's favorites. His own hands moved down to caress the back of the singer's head and his shoulder, his long legs opening wider to give better access. "More... fuck, give me more, Cor!" he groaned needy.

That begging always got to the very core of the singer. Who was he to deny his mate what he needed? Letting the throbbing shaft out of his mouth with a loud pop, he pushed the long thighs apart some more, licking Jim's entrance moaning as he was starting to open him up with his long tongue.

Jim’s thighs began shaking and shiver after shiver ran down his spine, making his skin break out in goose bumps all over. He had no idea that he’d grow to love being rimmed so much. His breathing quickened and he felt some more pre-cum leak out of his cock. Reaching down he encircled Corey’s wrist with his long fingers and pulled the singer’s hand up to suck a couple of digits in his own mouth. He could tell that Corey was still a bit shocked and trying to find his way in pleasing Jim, but he was on a damn right path. Still, the guitarist wanted to make this easier for him too with subtle little helps.

Letting his tongue caress the fingers in his mouth, Jim moaned and looked down at his mate, his hazel eyes dark with lust and need.

Corey looked up from between those endless thighs and had to growl from the sight of a very needy and flushed faced Jim Root sucking eagerly on his meaty fingers. “You are so fucking hot...” he moaned and moved up to kiss his mate's lips raw and demanding, his wet fingers reaching down to wiggle inside the hot shaking body.

If it was possible, Jim blushed some more from his lover’s praising words, something raw and deep fluttering its wings in his stomach as he kissed him back and pulled him close with his tattooed arms wrapped around the singer, kneading and caressing all that naked fair skin. He moaned into their kiss, giving in to Corey’s awakening dominance, which he found fucking exciting. He barely noticed the fingers going in, but then they were there and he panted into his mate’s mouth, a throaty growl vibrating through him as he pushed his ass further down on them. He wanted to feel that fucking intense zing again and he voiced that with some whines. Actual fucking whines… Which was unusual from him, but he didn’t give a fuck. He knew how good it could get and he wanted it. “Please, rub it… Corey, please…” he panted, coaxing the singer with his caresses wherever his hands could reach him.

“Fuck...” Corey could only breathe and growl deep from his throat and he curved his fingers and brushed them along the little bump deep inside his man, meanwhile biting down on the long neck, groaning like a beast that finally got his prey where he wanted it.

The cry that left Jim’s jerking body was far from shy or quiet and he actually saw stars from the intense pleasure that shot through him. His fingertips dug into Corey’s back and he bucked against those fucking amazing fingers again to feel more, always more. He kinda felt like a bitch in heat or a crack whore on her fix and well, he wasn’t far from the truth since Corey could have such an effect on him.

He kept rolling his hips as he was enjoying all the biting on his neck. Feeling worthy to be claimed was still a new and exciting feeling for him since they didn’t do things like this that often yet. But as his inhibitions were melting away quickly, the need for more was growing fast. “Another finger…” he managed to pant, his blurry eyes opening for a moment to stare into nothing. He couldn’t really see just feel. It was new territory from there.

Corey was more than eager to please his lover. Another finger joined the one teasing Jim, and soon a third one started to move around inside him, making space for something else to get inside. The small man found his mate gorgeous beyond words. While his hand was busy easing up the tall man, he showered the long neck and shoulders and those sweet lips with passionate kisses, making them both dizzy and high while he whispered adoring words to Jim from his heart. His hips getting more alive too, rubbing the dripping length to the crook of Jim's thigh.

The more fingers slid into his body, the less Jim knew about the outside world. Time after time his deep moans were cut off by Corey’s fucking amazing kisses that left him breathless and hot all over. Sweat drops were forming on his body as pure lust was rushing in his veins, one hand holding and occasionally squeezing Corey’s ass, the other keeping his head close to breathe in his hot air. The fire that was slowly eating him up alive, chipping away from his being with each move of those eager fingers, was like his insatiable beast inside. Always hungry and wanting more until only the ashes were left. But he had to give in this time. Otherwise he thought he’d go crazy. Besides from the tension in Corey’s muscles and all the wetness on Jim’s thigh told him how much the other man needed it too.

“I’m ready… please…” Jim panted into Corey’s mouth, catching his bottom lip to suck and bite on it.

The panted words were angel's music to Corey's ears. Slowly licking and kissing the flushed chest he pulled his fingers out and laid between Jim’s legs, holding his leaking tip to his entrance, looking deeply in the desire-filled eyes as he pushed in slow, just to let his head inside and stopped while gritting his teeth and moaning, holding back with all his strength from bucking hard and deep into the inviting tight hotness. He was just looking at Jim, studying his facial expressions for any discomfort that might appear.

The feeling was kind of familiar and yet much, much more. He was loose enough by then not to feel discomfort, but the stretch was still intense. The guitarist let his sweaty head fall back on the pillow, his wet hair fanning out around his head as he was panting and moaning at the ceiling. He was grabbing and holding on to Corey as much as he could while bearing down on the invading cock, making the head slip deeper, stretching him. “Need to feel you… all the way inside…” he panted impatient, urging his mate to take him fully. This was fucking intense already and Jim was devouring every moment of it, forcing his body to relax for it.

“Okay… Just breathe deep and push against it. Okay? Tell me when to stop and I’ll wait...” even the singer didn't believe the words he said. He would stop of course, for Jim anything. He was just not sure that he wouldn't lose the little that was left from his sanity for doing so after getting so close to let himself free and loose while feeling and pleasing his mate.

Slowly grinding his way deeper he had to bite down on his own lips, almost drawing blood to not let go of all that mental pressure and overall pleasure he felt. He wanted to tear into Jim's thighs, claw on his skin to feel more of him. But for now his own blood was dripping from his trembling jaw as he finally bottomed out into the shaking hot body.

“Yeah…” Jim nodded forcing his hazy eyes to focus on his mate. He doubted he’d ever stop him, but he did what he was told and pushed against Corey’s cock that was going slowly deeper. Was he ever going to bottom out? Every time Jim thought that was it, he gave him another inch and it was slowly grinding his own sanity away. He felt so full and his brain needed a moment to process all the new sensations. He could feel how much Corey was trembling and holding back above him and that made Jim instinctively move his hands on the slick skin of his back, trying to make it easier for Corey even in this situation. That helped Jim focus a bit too and just before he thought he couldn’t take the slow torture anymore, Corey was all the way in.

The guitarist moaned and kept him there, giving them both a moment to collect themselves. Then he pushed himself up on an elbow and pulled his mate closer by his nape so he could lick off the blood from his chin, moaning low from the coppery taste before nipping at the wound. “You feel incredible… So damn beautiful… Fuck me, Cor…” he said not thinking at all just acting on instinct, because he needed him to move so fucking badly.

“As you wish,” Corey chuckled on a shaky voice rubbing his face to Jim like a big nuzzling cat as he inched back a bit and pressing his bloody lips groaning to the other man, he bucked back inside. He wanted to be slow and gentle but the taste of blood and the throbbing feeling of chewing on his own lips adding to that maddening hot pulsing around his cock made his moves rough and needy.

“Holy shit!!” Jim cried out, tearing his lips away from his mate’s for a moment, glimpsing down, past his leaking cock, to where their bodies were joined and that hard dick was moving in and out of him then it was Jim who bit hard on Corey’s bleeding mouth, coaxing an all teeth and tongue kiss from him as his free hand cupped and squeezed that firm ass.

Taking it as encouraging, Corey moved faster and deeper from the squeezing hand on his ass, moaning into Jim’s mouth as their kiss got rawer and more instinct-based, moving more roughly as they got closer to their end.

It didn’t take long for the strength to go out from Jim’s arm and he reclined back on the bed, pulling his long legs higher to put them around Corey’s wildly moving body. That provided a whole new angle and now Jim knew why the singer loved it so much when he was doing this to him. The pleasure was blinding and so much more intense than with fingers as during each stroke in and out the leaking tip of his mate was rubbing against that spot, leaving Jim a panting and moaning mess, begging for more. His hand reached down to squeeze hard at the base of his cock to stop shooting his load too early, but it was a temporary breather, because the way Corey was fucking him now was just too damn exciting.

Jim managed to leave some bloody scratches on the singer’s shoulders and arms while their bodies were moving with loud slaps and animalistic groans. They were like two sweaty beasts mating. It was fucking perfect.

“Please… so fuckin’… close!” he whined shamelessly at the brink of losing his mind.

Grabbing onto Jim's hips hard after hearing his plea, Corey pulled him up and closer to his body as he aimed his hammering thrusts to that spot that made his lover turn into a groaning and shaking puddle of joy. Grabbing on the hard meat to stroke it he did all to make Jim get to the biggest orgasm he ever had in his life.

Jim had no idea about the world around him since he was floating in a massive cloud of pleasure, his cock in Corey's hand messing up their tummies and chest, his ass clamping down hard on his mate's dick. Fuck, this was the most intense thing he'd ever experienced. He literally screamed Corey's name as he was bucking against him, pulling him in deeper into the heat of his body. He couldn't describe anything that would be more perfect than this, aside from Jim doing the same to the shorter man, of course.

The singer could only moan and tremble as Jim's body literally sucked him hard inside and free of his seed. Dropping on top of his lover he was fighting for air, nuzzling his head with adoration to the shaking body below him, moving inside Jim slowly to work them through their bliss.

Jim was coming down slowly, his brain literally fried from the intense pleasure that just went down between them. He had no idea what to say or think. He could only feel that this was something very fuckin' special and intense. It wasn't just his first time being taken by someone. It was the first time being taken by his mate, Corey. Even if it meant different things to him and the singer. Jim couldn't be sure, but he had no regrets. Yes, he'd made some mistakes in his life, but he rarely regretted them. And there was nothing to be regretted in what they'd just done. "It was fucking perfect..." he voiced his thoughts, holding Corey close.

“It was. Perfect like you,” the singer smiled up at him and kissed his chest. “You okay?”

"I'm far from perfect but yeah... I'm okay. It was fucking... there're no words..." Jim panted and pulled Corey in for another deep kiss. Yes, he had no regrets about this despite the circumstances.

“Yeah fucking great fucking,” the singer chuckled, pulling out gently and moved up to share a tender loving kiss with his mate. His head was spinning still and the love and happiness he saw and felt on Jim was all he ever asked for. All this time he wanted this. Seeing Jim liberated and happy.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

_“This is all you need for who you are  
This is how a good man goes too far…”_

The morning found Jim sitting on the edge of the bed while puffing smoke towards a window he'd cracked earlier. He sometimes glimpsed at the sleeping and slightly drooling naked man on the other side of the bed. He was so damn cute like that that for a long moment Jim let himself just feel how deeply he loved that lil' shit. He felt that last night when he finally fully gave himself to Corey was yet another (huge) proof of his love. But maybe it was still not enough...

With that thought he took another drag and flicked the ash into the ashtray next to his naked body, his eyes darkening and his heart sinking from that thought. He should be so damn happy now – which he was on some level after last night – but he couldn't escape the thoughts of self-doubt. Was this a good idea in the first place? What's going to happen now? And what about Sid? Jim couldn't and wouldn't stop Corey if that's what and who he wanted. Even if it'd break his heart into million little pieces. He'd gladly sacrifice himself for Corey's happiness at any moment.

Kinda did that in the past too.

As if sensing those heavy thoughts, Corey opened his eyes and stared at Jim. It was clear from the slight fear in his blue hazy orbs that he woke up so sudden from a deep and not so pleasant dream. Like many times.  
  
This time the scared glint stayed in his eyes as he sat up with a groan and rubbed his face before looking back at Jim again. Reaching his hand out, he asked for a cigarette too. They always had many unspoken ways of communication...  
  
"How are you? Still don't want to give up on me and leave?" he asked quietly. More with the tone of a guilty man.

Without thinking, Jim gave Corey the pack of cigarettes and pushed the ashtray closer to him too then took another deep drag from his own smoke, noticing that certain look in the blue eyes.  
  
"No. I don't want to leave. I'm just... worried about us," he whispered, smoke swirling out from his mouth and nose as if he was an old dragon. Well, he felt old. So very old in that moment. There were so many unspoken things in and between them too. Jim didn't even know where to start.  
  
"What will happen now? What do you want? I'll give it to you if I can... You know that, right?" he slightly tilted his head to the side as he looked at Corey, trying to stay as open as possible instead of closing up even more.

Corey looked back at the tall man with an expression like "you really should know all this" and lit his cig.  
  
"You," he whispered closing his eyes with a deep sigh. "Us. How we were. It's all fucked up. I… I feel like I pushed you away. From me… From us… When we all were together. And we all suffered. And changed. And I miss _that_ Jim. The one who followed what felt natural to him and not overthinking it all," he said low, lowering his eyes. "And how do you feel now, after...?" he glimpsed back up at Jim searching his reactions. "You have to know how... how much it means to me. How… it sounds stupid, but honored I am… I'm too fucked up and always want to run away. I'm sorry about… Sid… I was drunk and wasn't thinking really. I want you to be liberated and happy. Like we were with... with Paul…" Corey swallowed hard, looking away again.

And with that the time of panicking was coming back fast. Jim swallowed hard because Corey was touching on some real dark and very deeply buried shit he never wanted to think about. Ever. He wasn't ready for that. Maybe he'll never be. It wasn't about mentioning Paul or how the three of them used to be. Not even about the fact that Corey pushed him away – and Jim let that happen willingly for a reason.  
  
It was more about the exact reason. Something he might think of some time. Or not. That 'going with the flow' mindset was gone. Locked up deep inside him. And that left him with overthinking and a constant half-conscious self-controlling. Like with his left hand. He was born left-handed but was forced to use his right and that required such a half-conscious control even today, messing some things up in his mind.  
  
But he was doing the former for only one thing: to protect Corey. From Jim himself.  
  
"I... I'm sorry. I know you miss that Jim, but... I just can't... can't be like that," he whispered on a wobbly out of breath voice in fear that Corey would demand that. Instead he stubbed his cig out and ran a slightly shaking hand through his messy hair.  
  
"I'm good. A bit sore," he shrugged with a faint smile and looked Corey in the eye. "I can see that you mean it... being honored. I'm too, to be honest," he said with a light blush on his cheeks, swallowing hard in an attempt to stay in control of himself. "So... so you don't want to play around with Sid? Cuz I'd let you if that's what you wanted..."

Corey frowned watching Jim at a near panic attack state. His man buried all those wild years they had way deeper than he first thought.

"I know that you are that Jim. But if you can’t, it’s okay. I love this Jim too," he smiled a little, sliding closer to the bigger body. After all... they’ve always been a bit nuzzly-cuddly…  
  
"I don't want to play around with no one. I want you. And I want you to be happy. Not always be my babysitter. You know... I feel so guilty. I’ve always been. But… losing Paul… And now I'm just drifting apart more and hurt you and push you away. And drinking makes it worse. Like always..." he shrugged with a forced chuckle.

"I want to look after you too. Would you give me one last chance to build us up again? But not like before… Just... not locking up and hiding from ourselves and each other? I promise I'll try my hardest to speak what's on my mind and be open with you too..." Corey said looking back deep into the hazel eyes.

Ever since Paul had died and he lost the ground from under his feet, this honest and self-sacrificing Jim was the thing that sobered him up from his own self-loathe. He has to help Jim like Jim helps him. He can't just hate himself and make Jim worry. He has to stop making him worry and do what he can to make this man happy again.

Jim welcomed Corey getting closer to him even if his fears didn't lessen from Corey saying he loved him like this too. Because... clearly he missed his other side. Perhaps... perhaps he could try something. Cut back on the booze. Or at least try. And see if... if he could give some more room for his instincts. For now... they'd have to work on their communication.  
  
With that thought and while listening to Corey, he pulled his naked man right next to him so he could hold him close with a tattooed arm around his shoulders. "I only want you too. And sorry if you feel like I'm babysitting you. I just worry for you all the time. I can't help it. I love you more than I ever loved anyone. I hope you know that. And I also like you looking out for me, taking care of me. Of course I want to keep working on us. I never again want to live through such an awful situation like in that backstage room,” he hinted at the memory that was very sobering for Jim back in those wild years, as Corey called them. “I'm still sorry about that. But... you're right. We have to be more open with each other. Not just you but I have to do the same. Been bottling up so many shits during the years. I know... as scary as it might be for both of us... we'll have to talk about certain things."

Corey leaned his head onto Jim’s shoulder and listened to what he was saying. "I'm slowly killing myself and I’m getting more fucked up. I'm scared, Jim…" he whispered. "All those voices… I'm hearing them again. And I can't shut them up. Just like before..." the singer looked at his cut up forearm with a grimace. He’s never been ashamed of what he was and how much he balances his darkness with the loving-caring nature. He knew that he won't last long if he keeps letting his darkness eating him up. And from last night, what they spent so perfect with Jim he maybe don't want that to happen that much. Because he felt like he was needed. Not just ruining everything. He can try to fix it and make Jim feel better too.  
  
"I'm a mess and you’re looking after me. And I love that. But I know how much a burden it is. If I keep drinking and running away from all the voices and let my shit eating me up, THEN I will ruin everything for real. Mess up the band and my kids and you... We help each other. Like we did with… with Paul. Okay?" he looked at Jim with hope in his eyes.

Jim was utterly speechless and kinda shocked from what Corey was saying. Not because these things would be brand new to him. No, he knew Corey at his lowest, he knew how dark he could go. Jim was surprised and proud because it was very fucking rare and a big thing for the singer to bring up his fears and creeping back insanity and also asking for help in a way.  
  
"You know..." Jim said after swallowing hard and caressing Corey's shoulder. "You just made me so proud. Thank you for talking to me about this. I can only imagine how scary that can be for you, baby," he whispered, stroking the slightly flushed cheek of his mate with the back of his big hand. His eyes never left Corey's as he was thinking hard. "Okay. We can try. I certainly don't want to lose you or watch you do all these things. I want you to be happy too. I want to love you the way you need me to. So... we can try," Jim said, swallowing hard.  
  
They both knew that Corey meant not just the sexual part of things but the brotherly... or more like soulmates kind of caring for and accepting each other. Not that they wouldn't have been trying to do that now, but it was obviously not enough. "I want to help on you too. Like Paul helped on both of us in the past. It's just you and me now. We have to stick together and stay close to make this work. I too have... stuff I'll have to talk to you about. I know that. And I'll try not to panic. But first of all... I have to cut back on the booze and coke like I've started before the Sid thing. If I don't do that, I can't help you either."

"Can we just cuddle and have sex when we would need pills, coke and booze? That worked before too," Corey smiled moving to straddle Jim, facing his man and hugging his neck. "I promise to try my best. He… he never would have wanted us to be like this…" Corey said low and feeling the self-blame gripping his throat tight again. So he just leaned in to initiate a kiss with biting on the fat juicy bottom lip of Jim.

"Yeah... that can work now too, I think," Jim said in-between kisses, his big hands already caressing Corey's naked back and ass. "And I promise the same... We'll work hard... to make him proud," Jim stated, fully believing what he was saying. Maybe now that they both were on the same page about that, it would actually work. He knew it was going to be a lot of work, but it was something they had to want from their own free will.  
  
With that he held Corey tighter and rolled them over so he could pull that small body under him and cover it with his while they kept kissing like there was no tomorrow.

Corey growled delighted from Jim's move and his legs came around the wide hips. Pulling his man close to him and tried to follow the wild kiss with his own share of biting and sucking on Jim's tongue. He felt a little more alive. And wanted. And he was okay with being wanted. He almost fully accepted it too that he is something that can be longed for... But he didn't want to think. He just wanted to kiss Jim more. Feel his weight press the air out of his lungs and stroke that long back, scratching with his nails a bit when he felt like needing more after a while. Soon his hips bucked up too to brush against the other man's also hardening cock. Corey wanted to feel. Not think. Just feel that Jim wanted him. Despite everything he was inside...

Jim could only moan into their passionate kisses into which he tried to put all the love and want and need he felt towards Corey. He broke the last one with a louder moan as he felt the scratches on his back and he bucked against Corey's cock somewhat harder, a long thigh slightly pushing Corey's leg higher on his back.  
  
"Can't get enough of you. Never could... Never will. I need you so much," he panted while sliding his mouth onto the thick neck to nip and bite it. The guitarist then slid his long fingers against Corey's lips as lust was starting to flood his whole being. "Suck on them good, my boy..." he grumbled on his deeper dominant voice.

The singer let out a weak wobbly moan. Or more like a low cry from all that. Jim dominating him was something that turned his loud-mouse personality into mush within seconds.  
  
He could also feel how Jim let himself looser and that old demanding and possessive Jim thrilled Corey's very core. Sucking on the long thick fingers like they were the most precious meal he ever had, he even let himself feel wanted again. And it started to blow his mind really...

Okay, this was working so far. The letting himself go part. Maybe if Jim was careful, he could do this without losing control over his... urges. Besides he was sober now. Drunk only on lust. Nothing could go wrong, right? _Baby steps... Do it in baby steps_ , Jim reminded himself but still let that beast stretch out in him a bit to help giving Corey what he so clearly needed.  
  
"Oh god... just look at you... Sucking on these fingers as if they were my cock... Such an eager little puppy you are..." Jim kept murmuring his dirty comments then he slid his now wet fingers out of the eager mouth just to rub them against the exposed hole then start pushing right away two in. He knew Corey and his needs all too well...

"Fucking Jesus... Damn..." Corey groaned gritting his teeth and tried to breathe as his body stiffened and arched from the sudden stretch in his hole. Jim was not gentle. And Corey loved every second of it... The pain junkie-masochist inside him was rolling with utter joy. The sharp bolt of pain flashing through his body and shaking it, his face flushed as his system turned it all into euphoria and pushed his brain to feel high with it. With lust and need and love for this man. His man who matched his needs so much…  
  
Corey's fingers gripped into Jim's hair at his nape and his lips parted on short pants and moans. He was at Jim's mercy... Willingly...

Jim chuckled low and maybe even dangerous-sounding from Corey's reactions as he forced his fingers deeper, soon starting to scissor them. Jim found Corey utterly beautiful like this. He was... god, Jim wanted to eat him up alive more than anything.  
  
_Baby steps_ , he reminded himself.  
  
But that didn't keep him from fingering Corey faster and harder, for now letting the smaller male hold on to his hair.  
  
Though in a couple of minutes he pulled his fingers out and reached for the lube to do a quick job of slicking his hard cock up. No third finger now. It was time to take what was his.  
  
"Prepare my boy, because this might hurt a bit..." he chuckled hoarsely as he took hold of both wrists and with one hand pushed them against the bed over Corey’s head, leaning on them a bit while positioning his wide tip to the tight entrance and with a dark look he pushed in.

Corey trembled in all his body. His ass and back lifted from the bed. He whined and cursed and panted for air with a stiffening jaw as his body took in Jim. He felt his heart wanting to explode as he slowly found himself and pushed against the invading cock numbing all his nerves with the violent moves Jim took him with. “ _Breaking him in_ ,” it rang in his mind from the past when he was the prey and the other two let it all on him to take... “ _Breaking in the bad puppy..._ ”  
  
The sedative effect of the pain and lust turned into joy made him want it more and faster. He felt the hunger for ecstasy building up inside him even more. The itch for the release... It also made his pleasured body adjust faster and he moved more freely against Jim's rough moves. Moaning his head off half-conscious and holding on to the sheets under his forced down hands for dear life...

Jim's grip on Corey's wrists tightened when the small body arched under him and kept moving against his wet dick that was pounding Corey mercilessly, giving it nearly no time to adjust to his size. Damn... damn this was so good. For both of them. Jim had to admit that. And that they both seemed to have missed this.  
  
"Oh god... you're so perfect..." he panted hoarsely as he kept fucking his boy rough and fast, pounding that tight hot ass as if his life depended on it. He knew they wouldn't last long like this, but that wasn't their goal either. They both needed this so fucking bad. To not think just feel and enjoy their nearly violent coupling.  
  
Ramming back in balls deep, Jim paused for a moment, circling his hips and pushing even deeper to grind against Corey's prostate. His half-smile was outright predatory and wild now as he was looking down at his lover from close. "Taking it so well, my dirty little pup..." he grumbled stabbing that spot over and over again to hear more of the broken moans.

 

Corey was gone. Deep in his pleasures and cried and moaned and mumbled some half-words while his body was almost at the edge of giving up and losing consciousness from all the sensation he missed so, so much.  
  
Hearing Jim talking to him again he opened his eyes and looked at his man. His pupils were fully blown from the bliss and from the repeating hard attacks against his prostate. His eyes even rolled back up into his skull as his body was convulsing violently and it didn’t take long for him to feel those sweet cramps creeping up on his spine and pushing him into a huge orgasm. His body tensed and stilled and he lost his voice as his sperm shot in jets onto their bellies and his inner walls gripped on the hard dick rhythmically with each convulsion, milking Jim from his juices and making him join Corey in his rapture.

Watching Corey like that was still so very fucking amazing. It's been a while that Jim could see him so very lost in his pleasures and if it took him to open this ugly can of worms to put that expression on the flushed face then Jim would have to try doing it.  
  
As he felt the wetness getting sprayed on their bellies, he returned to his hard pushes, fucking them both through their shared orgasm. Oh god how he loved filling that pulsing ass up with his cum! He roared his pleasure hoarsely and loud as he released not just his juices but more of his being on Corey. Even if Jim kept living in denial... and just dropped on the trembling body, fighting for air.

Still pinned down and breathless from Jim's weight, the slight loss of air pushed Corey's orgasm even further. He was coming down very slowly as his body was trying to return to the normal functioning. After he could breathe again more of less and his consciousness started loosely drifting back, his sighs turned into soft sobs. A bit from joy and love but a bit from the memories and the loss. Probably a bit from even the shock of that side of Jim surfacing again. But big warm tear drops rolled down on his flushed cheeks.

"I love you so much... I need you... Jim I need you. Hear me? I need only you…" he whispered as crying took his senses over.

The second Jim heard the sobs, he moved a bit to let his softening cock slip out of the abused hole and also to give Corey more room to breathe. He lifted his big head to look down at his mate and let the pinned and already bruising wrists go. Seeing and hearing that Corey wasn't crying because of Jim maybe going too far and hurting him for real – which was a constant fear in Jim's life – he wrapped himself around the small body, caressing Corey's head and wet cheeks.  
  
"I know, baby. I know," he said hoarsely, at the brink of crying himself. He swore he could feel Corey's swirling emotions as if they were his. "I love you and need you. I want you so much. Please, believe me," he whispered, planting soft kisses onto the singers face, kissing off some salty tear drops. "I'm only yours. Let it all out, love."

Corey hid himself in Jim more and let the big man pamper him with soft kisses and caresses. His mind was running a mile a second with everything he felt at once starting from his love for Jim till the doubt that he will fuck this up once again.  
  
But eventually his tears dried up and the positive effect of crying it all out worked with Jim's loving attention on him.  
  
After a while he started kissing Jim's lips and face too, sniffing here and there. "Do you ever think about it how it could have all happened if...? I mean... There are many ifs... If we stayed together in Stone Sour and let that build up. Or we didn't meet and fall for Paul... Or if we only stayed together... I fucked up so much..." Corey whispered and pulled back with a sigh. Standing up he walked to his clothes and fetched his wallet.

"You were always my 'guitar god' whom I met as a teenager and wanted to want me... When it was too complicated for you and I felt down... that's when I met Paul. But it was always you…" Corey said pulling out and old photo from his wallet, giving it to Jim. It was an old, old photo of the young, twenty years old Jim Root. In all his hippie-grunge glory. With long silky light brown, almost blond hair. On stage with a guitar.

 

Jim just nodded to Corey's question then watched him moving around. Of course he's been playing all kinds of scenarios through his mind during the years. With a lot of those what ifs. But before he could reply, something unexpected was given to him.  
  
Sitting on the bed with that picture of him in his slightly shaking hand, Jim was absolutely floored and speechless. He felt his throat closing up and his eyes burning from all the emotions that made his heart beat faster in his chest. Was this true? Or was it just another fucked up dream from which he'd awake to a colder reality?  
  
"You've been... carrying this with you all these years?" he asked barely audible and very hoarsely as his emotion-filled hazel eyes filled up with tears. It was really unbelievable to Jim. And one of the biggest revelations in his life. He was completely convinced that he's never been the first for Corey. He always thought that Paul had that place in the singer's heart and soul. Now... knowing that it's been the other way around all along was... huge. It shook Jim's whole self-doubting world. And that's when he couldn't hold the silent tears back anymore.

"Yes. I was a seventeen year old kid when I first saw you play. And I swear I prayed that you'd turn out to be gay and want me at least one time," Corey kneeled before Jim and chuckled lightly while looking up at his man.  
  
Caressing his tears away from his face, he hugged the shaking man to him. "You turned out to be everything I ever needed. I loved Paul too. And being both of yours was amazing. I wish I could have kept you close to me... But without Paul we would never know how much we fit together," Corey said softly. He knew he touched that risky subject again... But he had to tell these to Jim. "What we did... All of it. For me... After we were so down and deep. And it turned out that what we need matches up... Afterwards I… I sort of left you for Paul because I was too hurt over things... But then I fell even more for you. Paul and what we did helped me realize how you’ve always been the one for me. And… and he always used to say that too... To be with you..." Corey said sniffing again as he kept kissing and caressing Jim.

Jim snorted and chuckled a bit to that too, letting Corey comfort him just like he did for him a few minutes ago. Then Jim pressed his eyes shut hearing more about that painful and dangerous time in their life. He only opened them when Corey said Paul too wanted Corey to be with him. That earned a few more tears as he thought back on their late lover whom they both loved so much.  
  
"I always wanted you. Ever since Shawn started babbling about how great you are. He was right though. You're... perfect for me in so many meanings. I've always loved you the most. And I... I never thought I was the one for you. So this... this is a huge surprise for me," he said quietly as he stroked his thumb across the picture in his hand before handing it back to Corey with a peck onto his lips. "Thank you. This means the world to me."

"You mean the world to me too... I want to fix all that I fucked up," Corey whispered onto the soft full lips and kissed Jim some more. Pushing the bigger man up on the bed again to lay down. Once Jim did, he laid next to him just cuddling and kissing the other man, feeling a little lost in the memories and all the stirred up feelings until they dozed off for a nap.

***

 _Corey was naked, his skin glistening from sweat. He's been moaning for Jim for hours now and taking his hard dick as if he was born for it. He probably was. Corey was his. He himself told Jim that. And that he could do with him whatever he wanted._  
  
_And Jim didn't hold himself back._  
  
_The sheet was bloody all over. More red than white but they both wanted more. Corey was begging for it so beautifully that a sadistic smirk flashed over Jim's sweaty face._  
  
_"You want more? I'll give you more... I'll give you my all..." he chuckled on a half-mad voice and as he kept fucking the small singer from behind, he leaned forward, wrapping a guitar string around Corey's neck two times to cut his air off and also his skin, sending more blood down his throat while Jim was growling and fucking him harder than ever. Fuck this felt so good! So very good! The choking sounds, the clenching ass around him. The way Corey was starting to fight for air... and to get free..._  
  
_But Jim didn't stop. He kept going, watching as Corey was starting to black out from the lack of oxygen – fighting in vain as his hands were tied to the bed and the bigger guitarist was keeping him in place. Jim just loooved the panic and real fear in his eyes before they closed._  
  
_Then it was time to feed. And that's what he did. His teeth and nails dug and tore into flesh, spraying blood everywhere. That fucking sweet blood pushing Jim into a drugged frenzy as he kept tearing off skin and muscle from the tattooed back to literally eat Corey alive. He was his. He was going to devour every last piece of him. He was going to become one with him. He'll stay with him. Forever..._  
  
Jim woke up with a loud scream.

For a change – and maybe because he’s gotten his fix from Jim – Corey slept quite okay... Not even remembering falling asleep on Jim's chest... But as the guitarist shot up with a deadly scream, it almost made Corey roll off the bed.  
  
Feeling panic creeping on him too, he touched the cold sweat-covered trembling arm of Jim, calling him on his name until the big man looked him in the eyes. "It's me… Corey…You're safe… I'm here with you…"

"No... I'm not safe... you're not safe..." he mumbled under his nose as his brain was trying to catch up with the fact that it was just a dream. Or was it?  
  
Jim suddenly felt very fucking guilty. Not just because of experimenting on Corey earlier. But because... because he still couldn't remember how much was true from what he just dreamt about. How much they actually did to Corey while high on drugs and booze with Paul. That... when _he nearly killed Corey_ was the turning point for Jim in the past. That's when he first stopped with the coke.  
  
That's when he'd locked away the sadist in him to the deepest and darkest corner of his being. And it's that corner that he'd poked into earlier that day. Without being high or drunk, he realized.  
  
Hiding his face in his hands he turned mostly away from Corey as he started quietly sobbing. He was a monster after all.

"Hey... Hey... Of course I'm safe with you... I’ve always been… Jim, please... Don't close up on me…" Corey said caressing Jim's head as he tried to figure out what shook up his lover so much. "I'm here for you and love you," he said quietly, starting to get devastated, because he couldn't seem to reach Jim.

It took a moment or two for the crying man to turn into Corey's embrace, trying to hide in the much smaller body, his arms going tightly around him. It was so fucking hard. But he had to do it. He had to start talking about his dark shit too. He couldn't expect only Corey doing that.  
  
"I love you too. Maybe... maybe too much..." he sniffed, knowing that he probably didn't make any sense now. "If I keep opening up... I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt you for real," he forced the words out of himself, some of the bloody pictures flashing in front of his eyes as he was trying to inhale Corey's scent that could always help him calm down when he was close to a panic attack.

From those words Corey finally started to get some clues... He wrapped the huge man in his arms as much as he could and caressed Jim's nape while he rested his face at Corey's neck.  
"You never did anything to me that I didn't like or agreed on. Even that time… It was an accident. Mainly because I never knew when it was enough of anything. It was not your or Paul's fault that I kept puking from being that drunk but still wanted wild sex to feel alive," Corey said with a sigh.

Jim lightly shook his head against Corey's shoulder, clearly disagreeing. Then he forced himself to pull back enough to look him in the eye. He had to. Corey had to see his face to what he was about to say.  
  
"You're wrong. At least partly. We should've known better. You were subbing for us. We were controlling you. We should've known when to stop. When to stop you and ourselves. But we failed you. I failed you. I nearly killed you. I wanted to hurt you for real. We were so high and drunk. I want... I wanted to hurt you later too. I wanted to hurt you more today too... I'm so... so terrified of myself... of these needs. I... I loved your pain. I love to watch it. Inflict it... I know you can take it. You can take a lot. But I'm afraid of me losing control again and hurting you severely..." Jim said and it seemed that now that he started talking, he just couldn't stop the flood of words.  
  
"I thought it was just the booze and the drugs. But I was wrong. I wanted that today too when I was sober... And fantasized about so many things since then whenever I was drunk or high. I jerked off seeing you all bloody in my mind... And this nightmare... I was choking you with a guitar string until you passed out and then I literally tore you into pieces and ate you!" he whined, devastated and scared of what Corey would say. He was terrified that he'd be disgusted by him. That Jim just crushed the picture of that 'guitar god' he had in his mind for all these years. That he just blew his only chance for happiness on the side of the man he loved the most in this fucking sick world.

Corey was listening to him closely and raised one brow to all what Jim said. He knew some of it. Because he could feel it on Jim.

"I know what you are. You're the opposite of me. We are indeed a dangerous match. Paul was like that too for me. I wanted to die and feel pain to get rid of the numbness and emptiness so many times. And you can feel it. It… matches what’s inside you… Like I feel that what I need I can find in you. You never hurt me for real Jim. I wrote so many lyrics about those urges you have... I understand it. And welcome it. And I know how dangerous it is. But if you think I'll be… turning away from you, then you're wrong," Corey said looking deep into the hazel eyes.

"He kept our balance in the middle for a while… Till he got worse. I... I have to admit that it was a very destructive relationship. And threesome… But I was the most happy and devastated at the same time while we were together... I feel like a fuck up and unwanted because I'm so weird and probably just trouble to all. But you two accepted me as fucked up as I am and loved me for it… Jim, please... It was a bad dream. You locked all that up for very long. Now after letting it loose a bit it exploded in your dream. And to be honest, I would love it..." Corey shrugged with a small honest smile. "I would love to bleed out and be eaten by you. There are many times I feel like going over the limits... The fact that you fear that all happening means you're still in control," Corey said it all kinda thinking out loud more on all of it.

Maybe he was in danger but he never felt that way. Even knowing what lurked under the skin of his lover, he always felt the safest in those long arms. He was way off the 'normal' rails too. But in that band many of them were. Mostly on their minds and fantasies but it was Corey who voiced it all... Everyone's darkness.

Jim kept swallowing hard and a dozen emotions ran across his face while listening to what his mate was saying. Finally the fear lessened a bit in his eyes and he looked less shaken up knowing that Corey wasn't going to leave him for what he had deep inside of him.  
  
"It... kinda makes sense. Your darkness matching mine. It's so fucked up... but still kinda romantic in a very dark and twisted way," he chuckled dryly then sighed. "And I still love your fucked up," he stroked his lover's cheek. "You are amazing, you know. Sometimes I can't believe you're even real. Seriously, dude... Only you'd say something like that about my dream!" he smiled at Corey with a bit of disbelief. But yeah... he knew Corey enough to believe that.  
  
"And I guess you must be right about me still being in control. I just don't know for how long. And what we should do about this. I obviously want to keep you safe and alive... So we'll have to solve this problem too. And yes, I agree, with Paul with us it was more balanced for a while. But now it's just you and me..." he looked at his man helplessly but at least less frightened.

Corey wanted to make Jim calm down and think it all over. The situation that pushed him into the role of the more in control did the wonder – again. His head was clear and logical. What magic the fact can do that one is needed and the most important person is depending on him for answers.  
  
"Yeah... It's only you and me now. And first let's stay away from the drugs and drinks. I can't lie... What you give me is just as much needed in my very core to keep me grounded as the urge in you to do such things to me. 'Jalapeno,' remember? We're more sober now. Let's use the safe words and the rules," Corey told Jim. After all, they have started this again with those basics at Jim's house.  
  
"In BDSM there is 'sadism and masochism' after all. You're not alone with these, and neither am I. You said you love me... We’re still a cuddly pair... It's not just the violence and possession you feel towards me. And I want to kiss you and cook for you..." Corey bit his lip blushing from that. "And just be with you too. You're not just the thing for my pain-hungry needs.... I love you Jim... We are together…"

"It won't be easy to stay away from that stuff, but we have to try. And yes, I think playing like that could help. Keep us both balanced and grounded..." Jim nodded with a sigh, rubbing his forehead. "Maybe... letting this beast out a bit more regularly might keep it sated and me in control. Not to mention that it could give you too what you might need to keep the voices quiet.... Or at least I hope. You think it'll help on that?" he asked hopefully.  
  
"And I want to take care of you and cuddle you and all that, not just hurting you. Yes, we're together. For real now..." Jim smiled sweetly at his singer and caressed his nape. He still had to fully believe that.

"Yeah but we can do it. It will be hell. We’ve been there both…" Corey said with a sigh. Getting off their addictions while touring and feeling the weight of Paul's loss on everyone else too will be the toughest they’ve ever done… "Getting all that from you does help. Makes me feel wanted. On a… more primal way. And it sort of shuts the voices up about me being worthless… It will help on dealing with the side effects of getting sober too," he moved to hide in Jim's body, planting a kiss to the crook of his neck.  
  
The voices were indeed quieter. They were only in the back of his mind, far, far away the thought lingered on, repeating how he was cheating on Paul and probably responsible for his death because he is a selfish dick who didn't care enough for Paul. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. It's not true… Paul wanted him to be with Jim too. He loved Jim too and wanted the two of them to be happy and carry on with his band.

"We are together for real," Corey whispered hugging Jim tighter.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

_“Let me in for one more long disgrace  
Just forget the same distractions you refuse to face...”_

True to Corey's words the following days and even weeks were really fucking hard. They were back on the road with the tour. Dealing with the loss of their bassist (and the mates' lover) was not the only thing Corey and Jim had to deal with. Like Corey mentioned on that important night in that hotel room, coming off the booze and drugs was something they were both struggling with. The other band members kept their worried eyes on them too. And then there was Sid and the press too, making things even harder.

Not that Sid would do much more than be all pouty and make remarks to Jim or circle Corey during the shows, but it was additional pressure on the couple.

Sometimes Jim thought he couldn't do it anymore. And he was sure Corey felt the same. On those days – when they weren't in a hotel – they tried to find a corner or some space where they could be alone and get physical. Those couplings were quick and desperate in search of the one thing that could ground them. Both because of their needs and to help somewhat on the withdrawals.

In Jim's case the latter manifested in some slightly paranoid behavior (Sid's lurking only fuelling it) and occasional panic attacks, tense muscles and shaking. It was like going through hell all over again. The only thing keeping him hanging on was Corey... keeping him together. They were truly hanging on each other like two drowning men.

The voices in Corey's head didn't just vanish from their confessions to each other. But coming clean about how they really were and what they really wanted surely helped a lot.   
  
He felt more determined and focused because finally he knew why Jim has changed so much, and held back so much.   
  
Still the coming clean and dealing with all turned the struggles of the tour into a daily rollercoaster ride in the purging fires of hell. He could only hope they both would come out better and purer in the end. At least to bear themselves...   
  
The first biggest, almost month long break got them back to Jim's house. Once they stepped in and closed the door, Corey dropped his backpack in the hall and just looked over the place like it was alien for him. They started again there. Got back to drinking together and closed up again there. And all that has happened before, including the things with Paul, just hit the singer hard in the chest.   
  
"I just can't..." he whispered to the empty room while Jim walked behind him.

The tall man wasn't sure that the break was going to help on them or make things worse, but not being on the road all the time was something. They loved what they did and got used to traveling so much, but having one steady familiar place under their feet for a while was a nice thought.  
  
Or so Jim thought until he stepped behind his man and heard Corey's comment. For a moment his eyes widened and his heart sank, but forced calmness onto himself before he'd overthink based on those three words. "What do you mean?" he asked, putting his big hands onto Corey's shoulders from behind, just resting them there as if wanting to ground him already with the steady touch.

"I'm suffocating under this all. And I always wrote it out of myself. But now… I just can't... And the dark songs on stage just makes it worse…" Corey said turning and looking up at his mate. "Maybe I'm just overtired. But… as I entered here I just have this strong panic from the thought of going back… And from facing the memories here too," he looked kinda desperate to make Jim understand what he really meant and felt.   
  
He indeed was more paying attention to build up Jim than to deal with his own demons, and while on the road hanging onto each other as a new addiction worked well. The singer now felt lost all of the sudden with the thought of resting for a month with his memories...

Jim stayed in silence for a few moments, but used that time to slide his long arms around Corey's back to pull him against his tall body. Not in a sexual, but more in a protecting way. As if he could protect Corey from his thoughts. It was already big progress in Jim's eyes that the singer shared these thoughts with him. Usually he buried these too in him, not wanting to appear 'weak'. But since that serious and open talk, things were changing between them. Trying to stay open for each other was one of those changes.  
  
"We'll find a way to help on you to face and bear those memories, baby. I promise. We've come so long since the last time we were here. We won't go back there..." Jim said softly, reaching up to caress the back of Corey's head and neck. "We are stronger together. I'm scared too, to be honest. Terrified even. Because I don't want to fall back to those patterns and memories either. How about I kiss you first then we order some food as first steps?" he smiled down warmly at his small man, hoping that first easing themselves back into their everyday life and environment might help.

"Sounds good," Corey smiled a little and rose up on his toes to give Jim the kiss ahead of him. 

Once they could let each other go the small man went into Jim's... or more like their bedroom and plopped back on the bed while he heard the other man ordering the food for them. 

He really felt tired to the core and just wanted to curl up and fall into that semi-sleep state he usually was in when his depression took him deep and forced him to isolate himself from everyone he felt like damaging with his mere existence. But now he has Jim, and can only wallow inside his head for those few minutes... Food and rest will be good to help him balance back a bit…

Jim felt a bit hopeful from Corey accepting his suggestions, although he knew it wasn't going to be easy. For neither of them. For a long minute he was even contemplating on going to a hotel or even to Corey's house to be around Stef and the kids. They could distract the singer for a while at least. But maybe he came here first because he wasn't ready for that yet.  
  
Staring out of the kitchen window, patting his cell's edge against his chin, Jim was lost in his thoughts. He was trying to figure out what to say or do to help on Corey whose depression was creeping back stronger in the last few days.   
  
Giving him a few minutes and some space, Jim was waiting for the food to arrive there and called or texted a few people to let them know that he got home safely. Then he served the food on trays for them in their bedroom, switching on the flat screen to have some background noise.  
  
"Bon appetite, my love!" he clicked his chopsticks together with a goofy smile and attacked his food.

"Yeah… Banzai or whatever..." Corey giggled at he started poking the food with his own chopsticks and peeked absently at the screen from time to time.   
  
"You know that you're one of the handful of people I don't fake that ‘always happy goofy guy’ thing? Feel special, my love," he smiled up at Jim just looking at the big man, thinking.

With some pasta still hanging from his mouth, Jim looked up and quickly stuffed it into his mouth to chew and be able to answer. "I know, baby. I don't want you to fake it and I do feel special," he smiled back at him. "Especially since you showed me that picture of me in your wallet," Jim added, reaching out to rub Corey's knee for a moment. "I just want to love you. No matter what or how you are."

Putting his tray away almost untouched, Corey slid closer to Jim still munching being and leaned his head onto his shoulder. "I love you. Sometimes even want to write silly dark love songs about it. And sometimes just want to ask for your darkest fantasy…" he moved to see Jim's face and reactions.

"Maybe..." Jim thought for a moment, automatically putting his free arm around the small body "maybe you should write those silly dark love songs... I... hm... well... I do that.... About you. Have dozens of them... hidden away..." he mumbled under his mustache, turning redder and redder.  
  
It was something he never told or showed to Corey. They've been piling up during the years, ever since he fell in love with him. Of course they got even darker when Jim pulled out of the threesome. "Maybe we should write together again..." he blurted out, but trailed off when Corey's words actually reached his mind.  
  
"Huh... my darkest fantasy?" he looked at Corey with a silly expression on his still flushed face. Then his eyes darkened a bit and paused with the eating too, humming to himself for a moment. "It'd... probably be that eating you alive thing. But obviously... that will stay just that. A fantasy," he swallowed hard but gave Corey a small smile.

"You gotta be sitting me!!!" Corey's eyes widened with a huge grin over Jim's confession. "You never told no one you have actually written songs and lyrics," he blushed too, feeling moved as his mood swung the other way around, like always when he got a bad day and his emotions were unbalanced.

"You know that you have to show them to me, right? And yeah... We should write again… I just..." he signed turning dark again inside. "I’ve always been writing all my stupid thoughts and feelings into my songs. And I feel that some of those actually... actually made Paul get worse or feel bad. I don't know. Maybe it's stupid and just my guilty conscience… But it stops me in a way, as I said. Writing is my way to let things go. And I can't now," he looked Jim deep in his hazel eyes. "I can only let go and feel free and alive when I am with you and we lose control in bed…"

"Yeah. I did write some. Mostly about you, my love for you or how I've been pining over you," he chuckled a bit dryly. "I understand though why you might feel like that about your songs and the ones you wrote for him..." Jim smiled a bit bitterly. "I remember those songs clearly. I know exactly which ones you wrote for or about him..." he said, half-hinting at how they kinda hurt Jim too. But he didn't want to make Corey feel worse. "They are beautiful, though. Full of those deep emotions. Let it be love, pain, disappointment or anything else. You have a real talent for writing lyrics. I just dabble," he snorted. "But I'll show them to you if that's what you want..."  
  
He glimpsed up from staring at Corey's shirt while talking. "I want to work with you again, but I don't want to force you. Just think about it for a while. We'll have to get used to being at home again. It'll take some time, like always. But I can make you feel alive and free... and loved whenever you want it. I'm yours and you're mine..." he whispered the last sentence, keeping the eye-contact with his love.

Corey felt the hidden pain in Jim's tone over those songs he poured his soul out in. But before he could sink into that new guilt he saw the glint in the ever changing beloved eyes. And his aching and lost self couldn't resist the predatory shine.

"I am yours. With all my being… What if... you don't eat me up… just a little bit...?" he whispered back, keeping the eye-contact and stroked Jim's long back upward, leaning in for a kiss.

"That sounds... okay..." Jim admitted, catching Corey's lips only for a short teasing peck. They've been working on letting Jim's... sadist side more to the surface, but it wasn't easy to do so while on tour with very little privacy. And Corey asking for Jim's darkest fantasy with him was big and kinda scary for Jim. But his love asked for it. The guitarist could see it in the nearly desperate eyes, already begging for it without words.  
  
How could he resist that look coming from the only man he ever loved this much? He'd do anything for him.  
  
Lifting a big hand, he stroked along the familiar face. "You really want that..." It wasn't a question, just stating the fact. "Tell me your safe word..." he added. Not because he forgot it, but because he wanted Corey to remember and use it if needed.

Yes. Corey was in a desperate need of that almost maniac way of possession Jim could let loose over him and make him feel wanted and belong like nothing else could. But beside his needs he wanted Jim to be freer too.

Since that first honest talk they did not have any time to really get intimate like that. Only quick stolen moments for the tightening of their bond. And now as the topic came up, Corey realized that maybe he, and also Jim were missing their fix of what their urges were craving for.   
  
"Jalapeño. My safe word is jalapeño. And I am your puppy," he said swallowing and kept looking into Jim’s eyes.

"That's right. You are," he grabbed the curls at Corey's nape and jerked his head into a painful angle so he could force his tongue past the slightly trembling lips and push deeply and possessively into the singer's mouth. Jim could taste the spices and most importantly Corey's own flavor under that. And he kept kissing him breathless until only the latter stayed.  
  
Then as fast as Jim attacked, he pulled back enough to push the trays to the side and manhandle the small man onto his stomach. "Don't worry... I'll give it to you good. You won't be able to walk tomorrow..." he chuckled on that weird maniac-sounding tone as he gave more way to that chained up darkness inside.  
  
His moves weren't gentle as Jim reached under Corey's front to open then drag his jeans down. The bigger man was already taking the air raggedly as more blood was rushing down between his legs seeing that pale perfect ass. He didn't stop until Corey was fully naked from the waist down.  
  
As instincts took over, Jim forced the meaty thighs more apart and was quickly unbuttoning his own shirt. "Fuck, you look mouthwatering... I'll make sure to tear that soft skin up. Mark it as mine..." he outright growled deeply, like a beast ready to devour his fine meal.

Corey stayed as Jim wanted him. Shaking lightly from the waiting. His body got painfully aroused just from the way Jim sounded and what he said. Corey always liked to test his own limits and just how far they could go before he would feel too much.   
  
He had a hint that it would be very deep into his darkness. They were all sober now. There was only them and the darkness that always worked under their skins and urged them to become one and complete.   
  
Closing his eyes, still with his tee on, he was lying on his belly and panted with closed eyes, waiting for Jim to give him what he needed the most.

"Such a good puppy..." Jim chuckled dirtily and unexpectedly spanked an ass cheek just to see it start turning red in the shape of his big hand. "So pretty... I'll give you a brighter red color tonight too..." he mumbled, maybe more to himself than to Corey as he opened his own belt and pulled it out of the loops, before dropping it onto said ass.  
  
To add to Corey's waiting and tension, now it was time to quickly get rid of his own remaining clothes as well. "I think you don't need this anymore..." he leaned over Corey, licking into his ear then the loud tearing of the back of the tee could be heard as it gave in to Jim's force.  
  
Not caring to fully take it off, he simply stroked along the smooth tattooed back then forced Corey's hands over his head to tie his wrists together with the belt. "That's much better... Now where were we? Oh yes, the appetizers..." and with that he moved down to bite hard into the red ass cheek.

The small man muffled his cry by biting into the sheets. This escalated fast, but he knew Jim would be like that. All those dark urges piled up inside him getting free so sudden. Corey loved it. It was matching his needs. And that bite in his smacked ass flushed his brain numb so beautifully for a few seconds...

"Nonononono! No muffling your sounds! I want to hear them all loud and clear!" Jim warned him, smacking the just bitten cheek hard again. Then right away moved to leave vivid bite and scratch marks on the bared back. Taking his sweet time with making sure they would be visible for a while. Positioning himself to rest his long erect cock on top of Corey's ass-crack, he lapped up that sweet blood oozing here and there. His moans were shaky and deep like an addict's.

Corey couldn't muffle his short painful hisses and cried from that, anyway. His hands turned into fists as he gritted his teeth till his body turned the sharp pain into euphoria and it washed over his tensing and shaking body.   
  
The overwhelming feeling of being wanted more than anything filled his senses from Jim's words and actions over him and the small man whined loud. Partly from wanting more but he was moved and in his depressed mindset accepting that Jim wanted and needed him so much was wrestling with his self-loathing. 

The almost shooting and loving way Jim licked his blood and back gave him some time to let the cloud lift somewhat from his brain and express his own needs by slowly moving his ass, rubbing his cheeks to that hard meat for some friction and to urge Jim.

Jim was getting more and more lost in Corey, mumbling half- thought through words of praising, need, hunger, pain, pleasure and primal needs.  
  
By the time Corey started moving against his cock, the naked back was decorated with countless bruising and bloody marks.  
  
"You love this. You want... _this_..." Jim growled sitting up to pull the firm ass cheeks apart and rub his dick's whole length against the crack.

"Oh yeah..." Corey breathed shaking for it as Jim teased him more. Moving his small butt more against it panting and feeling drunk with lust and want he whined some more. "Please... Give it to me, my master… Please..."

Jim just laughed. Low and cruel, hearing the pleas and whines – which were music to his ears. "No. Not yet. You wanted more. I'll give you more. The question is..." he leaned down to Corey's ear, rubbing his dick against the crack harder, slicking it up with his pre-cum. "can you take it?" he chuckled again and bit Corey's shoulder hard.  
  
"Because..." Jim continued in a few moments as he sat up again, pressing down on a bruise at the small of Corey's back "I'm just getting started..."  
  
And with that he climbed off the small man just to flip him onto his back. He pushed the tied together arms back above Corey's head and firmly grabbed the thick thighs to open them.  
  
Then Jim started to slowly stroke down on the tattooed chest and stomach. Before it could reach the tip of Corey's flushed cock, he replaced the big hand on the goose bumped chest and repeated the same straight path downwards – but this time it was a scratch, not a caress. "Beautiful..." he breathed raggedly and licked his lips as he was watching both the fair skin turn pink and the pain turn into pleasure on Corey's sweaty face.

The world around Corey started to fade as Jim was playing with his body with such perfect precision like with his guitars. The sounds that the singer made were music, nonetheless... The continuous small doses of pleasure-turned pain pushed his senses higher and higher and craving more like any addict getting a taste of his fix.

One stroke, one scratch. One stroke. One scratch. Stroke. Scratch. Blood.  
  
Leaning over the out-of-it singer, Jim's long tongue darted out to agonizingly slowly lick up from Corey's bellybutton to the middle of his heaving chest. He was like a big cat playing with his food, only getting small tastes before devouring it.  
  
The satisfied groan and smug expression on his dark face only added to it. Watching Corey, his fingertips found a small nipple and started playing with it then nearly right afterwards his teeth's hard bite contrasted the gentle rubbing on the left one.  
  
He so wanted to keep tasting his man like this all night long, but maybe in a few days. Now it's been too long and his own cock was starting to throb and ooze more pre-cum from Corey's sounds of pleasure and pain. Jim wanted more too. So much more.

The short gentle periods were good to let Corey breathe and his brain to recover a little bit from the constant stimulations.   
  
Still that burning itch to get higher and explode started to spread in his body. His brain was only able to focus on Jim. There were no worries or doubts, just his mate and the addictive painful bliss he got from him. As it should be…

"You taste so good... So responsive... So tiny..." Jim whispered hoarsely and very horny. "You want my pain so badly..." Jim groaned with hazy dark predator eyes and he bit Corey's stomach, suckling and chewing on the tender flesh hard.  
  
Again and again. Moving lower and lower. Even growling like an animal as Jim was acting nearly completely on instinct. His hands opened and pushed the "thunder thighs" up to fully expose the beloved body.  
  
And then finally he licked along that perfect cock with the same repetitive method, moaning from its taste and the fact just how hard Corey was from all this. Not that it would be a big surprise, but Jim needed to see and feel that just as much as inflicting the pain on the small man.

Jim was a master of all this. Corey with his needs has been around guys with violent sex. But Jim was a natural... Not just the plain sadist, but the love they shared made it even more special. Jim always knew when Corey needed what, and when to go along and switch tactics to keep the small man on the edge of constant ecstasy.   
  
Feeling that long tongue lapping at him with slow strokes, made Corey lift and buck his hips against it. Moaning long and loud in pleasure in his deep voice that echoed back from the bedroom walls.

"Such a tasty cock..." Jim grinned, those loud moans still ringing in his ears then he sucked the slightly curved shaft deep into his mouth, his long hair falling forward as his head was bobbing up and down, holding Corey in place with a bruising hold on the thick thighs.  
  
He loved listening to the singer's noises. He was so damn sexy with all these pleasure-filled and needy expressions! To that thought Jim let the glistening shaft slip out of his mouth with a loud pop just to greedily slide lower and suckle on the other man's testicles, nails scratching along the insides of Corey's thighs.  
  
"Still not enough?" Jim panted, coming up for air and flicked his tongue against the exposed hole.

"No… Please give me more... I want to feel you… Please…" Corey moaned pushing his ass more to Jim with ragged breathing and flushed skin all over his bloody and sweaty body. He was starting to totally lose his mind.

"Such a good boy!" Jim huffed against the twitching wet hole and then started rimming Corey for real, moaning and groaning nearly as loud as his lover. It didn't take long for Jim to be able to push in and wiggle his tongue in his victim then as he pushed two wet fingers in, he licked along Corey's balls and watched his reactions. "Fuck yourself on them!" he grunted so very horny he thought he'd blow from just the sight and the tight hotness around his fingers.

Whining his answer, Corey's hips moved even without Jim's order. The need for release was burning him even more as he got more sexually stimulated. His moans turned to deep hungry growls as his hips were rolling back and forth faster, taking the long fingers even deeper. His cock throbbing and leaking like crazy.

"Fuck..." Jim grunted under his nose while watching his man squirming in need. "So pretty on my fingers. But will look even better on my cock. Begging for more..." he slurred, beads of pre-cum slowly sliding down on his own cock too, but this waiting, this "torture" were all part of building up towards their climax.  
  
And curling his fingers to rub hard against Corey's prostate only added to that as Jim started rubbing it to milk his victim for the first time that day...

His victim cried out cursing from the intense rush of pleasures shaking his body but kept moving against them nonetheless. Even picking up speed, frantically pleasing himself while gripping the sheet under him and panting till his body arched and got washed away by his first smaller orgasm, howling like a suffocating beast.

To that a guttural moan was Corey's reward and while Jim was quickly smearing his pre-cum and some lube down on his own dick, he pulled his fingers out. Then it was time to force those legs more up and apart as he practically bent the small man in two. Huffing he brought his sweaty face to Corey's and while he pushed down the tied wrists into the mattress, he fucked up into the pulsing hole before Corey's first small but intense orgasm could end.  
  
Fuck, it was _perfect_. That slightly shocked pain/pleasure on the redhead's face, the dying sounds and the tight heat around his aching cock... Jim then stopped holding back and unleashed the beast on his man, pinning him down and ramming his long dick home with every fucking move. The force of it making the bed lightly creak under them. If it wasn't such a massive one, he was sure it would be banging against the wall.  
  
That thought made him chuckle raspy – sounding more manic than anything else – and with his free hand he grabbed Corey's jaw to tip his head a bit upward so Jim could stare into his face and also immobilize him completely. He could move only his legs, otherwise Jim was forcing the singer to take it all...

Corey opened his lust-clouded eyes and groaned and moaned watching Jim above him, trying to keep his eyes open as he knew his master loved that so much. 

The hard fast way he was being fucked made the air press out of his lungs and push him into an even higher state, panting more breathless and desperate as his body arched and trembled almost violently. The world fully vanished. Only Jim's moves remained and the singer’s blue eyes slowly rolled up from the second wave of small bliss hitting and milking him hard.

Satisfied with that and the tighter grip and pulsing around his leaking dick, Jim kept hammering that wet hole, his balls slapping against Corey's ass loud as sweat was rolling off their bodies, making their skin glisten.  
  
Biting and sucking on the singer's bottom lip he tightened his grip on Corey's jaw then turned his head to the side to expose his thick neck. And then Jim was back to the biting and huffing onto the salty skin.  
  
"More?!" he groaned starting to completely lose it too. It was such a liberating feeling. His long body was shaking violently too and was getting at the brink fast. He wanted to prolong it even further but at the same time wanted to make Corey completely fall apart while giving him what his heart wanted the most.

First the singer couldn't answer properly. Only incoherent groans left his swollen and bleeding lips. He was so very close to his final blow, yet needed something more. He moved with Jim's merciless thrusts and tried to focus on the other man to open his eyes. After a few attempts his blue eyes, pupils fully blown, looked up at his man while he kept peeking at Corey in-between chewing up his neck. 

"Give me more... P-please... "

"You truly are my special one..." Jim purred admiringly and licked some blood off Corey's trembling lips. "Take a deep breath, puppy. You're gonna need it..." he winked with a dark grin and slid his big hand down onto Corey's just chewed up throat and squeezed until his air was cut off.  
  
Needless to say he put some more power into his thrusts and finally let his own voice out too now that Corey was more or less silenced, only some lovely choking sounds were coming from him. Until Jim deemed it long enough.  
  
"You did so well so far... Give me what I want and you'll be rewarded with Master's thick cum..." he leaned to Corey's face, never pausing and talking loud enough for him to hear his words through the drumming of blood too.  
  
"In 5 seconds I'll release your throat and as oxygen floods your lungs and mind, I want you to cum for me. Nice and hard! Understood?" Jim asked louder and firmer and was satisfied with the needy strange sound Corey made, his blue glowing eyes meeting his for a moment.  
  
Then Jim counted back slowly and then released the thick and now quickly bruising throat...

From the sudden rush of oxygen Corey's almost unconscious brain pushed him into a high euphoria and his body was thrilled with a new height of pleasure. It made the small man whine and moan as his body trembled hard and convulsed around the leaking rock hard meat. Exploding hard and pulling Jim with him into the flames.

That's when Jim's moans became desperate and very loud too as he started cumming hard, pumping the pulsing hole full, his tightening grip leaving more bruises on Corey's tied arms over his head.  
  
The blinding bliss made him close his eyes too as they were riding out their shared orgasm, the wetness on his tummy a welcomed feeling as he forced his eyes open to watch the pure pleasure and bliss on his small man's face.  
  
"You're so perfect! I need you so much. Love you so much!" he managed to pant then kissed Corey with all he got.

Corey kissed Jim back on autopilot as his brain was totally flushed with the ecstasy that pushed him onto the edge of fainting. He was just panting and whining low as some relieved tears ran down on his face. His body couldn't stop trembling even after Jim let him loose and left his weakened body.

Jim gently kissed those salty tears off and freed Corey's wrists, leading his arms around his bigger body so he could hold on to him if he wanted. As suddenly that darkness was released on Corey, as fast Jim's gentle side was back. He felt sated and a bit dizzy still, but his hands never stopped caressing his man in a soothing manner, murmuring soft words of love and praising to him as their bodies were trying to calm down.

"I'll never let you go..." he whispered to the small man in his arms. "You belong to me."

"And you belong to me too..." Corey whispered when he started to come around and pushed his face into the chest of his man as new tears escaped his eyes from all that frustration and pressure he just got rid of. "How do you feel? You kept your promise... Im already sore all over," he added with a little light-headed giggle.

"Yes. I belong to you," Jim kissed the sweaty and messed up hair and tightened his hold around his man as they were lying on their sides, facing each other. Okay... Corey hiding in his chest.

"I feel... freer. Lighter. Accepted. Loved and needed. Satisfied. You? I didn't go too far, I assume...?" he asked a bit concerned although he knew that Corey would've used his safe word if not. "But I had to take you like this. On your back instead of on your tummy. That would've reminded me too much on my nightmare of literally eating you alive."

"You were perfect, my love... And it's good. I needed this..." Corey said hugging the bigger body even closer. "I want to stay like this. Can we....?"

Jim smiled over Corey's head. He still had some fears about releasing himself on the singer like this, but true to his words, Corey loved and needed this just as much as Jim did. It was a massive release for both to be able to ground themselves and to keep going.

"Of course we can. I'll clean your wounds later, my perfect love," he murmured with all the love he had for Corey in his slightly hoarse voice.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

_“This is all the pain a man can take,  
This is how a broken heart still breaks…”_

Corey indeed had trouble with walking or even moving too much after their first day back at home. He was happy about it, nonetheless.   
  
Especially because his mate kept himself busy with nursing the singer. Helping Corey walk around and shower and bring him food and give cuddles when they felt the need for that. And for long passionate kissing and snuggling. Jim seemed to be better with his sadist side. At least Corey saw it that way. But he knew it could be also that they both were busier about taking care of his overworked body to heal than to sink into their dark thoughts. It was good for making them busy with something else. And it was their special dark love they slowly let themselves give into as a pair.   
  
That day was spent with only that and by the night, when Corey got a bit of his strength back, he aimed the question he had on his mind at Jim. "Tomorrow afternoon Griffin comes home for the weekend... Would you be mad if I spent the weekend with him...?"

Indeed it was good for Jim too to be able to take care of his love. He wanted to give him his all – including his dark side which Corey seemed to be okay with so far. But they both needed some time to let things settle.   
  
At least Corey seemed to feel better – not just physically but mentally too. That in itself was very good and important to Jim. He wanted Corey to be okay.  
  
For now they were enjoying their quiet night in bed while watching some movie. To the singer's question Jim's caressing hand stopped on Corey's shoulder for a moment. Then he continued drawing the small circles onto the naked skin.  
  
After a quiet long breath the guitarist hummed. "No. Of course not. I know how limited your time is with him," he said quietly but smiled down at his man. "I'm sure he misses his dad," he added, knowing how very important being a father was for Corey.

"Yeah..." Corey just nodded. It didn't skip his senses how Jim froze for a second. Of course he knew it wasn't because of his son. Despite not really wanting serious relationships or kids – as the big guy always stated it – Jim was super good with kids. Maybe because deep down he was a goofy kid himself.   
  
No, Jim froze from the thought of Corey leaving him all by himself for the weekend. But the small singer thought they and their relationship should bare that much time apart…   
  
"Are you sure? I mean... By tomorrow I probably will walk better and he’s been waiting for me to come back… After all I kinda vanished after... Paul's death. You'll be okay?"

"I'm sure. Go spend some time with Griff. He needs you too," Jim murmured – hopefully – on a reassuring tone, really trying not to give room for darker thoughts. He liked... no, loved this. Being with Corey all the time. On the road it was easy to arrange things that way. But when they were home, they had to divide their time.  
  
Jim just hoped that two days won't fuck up things for them. Mostly for him. He knew he tended to overthink, but he'll try to busy himself with other stuff. "I'll be fine..." he continued. "I'll visit mom and work on my bike and shit. Don't worry," he kissed Corey's forehead, hugging him close for a few moments to inhale the familiar scent and presence – as if wanting to store it for these two days. Jim just hoped Corey won't change his mind about them and that this was truly about his son and not needing to put a little distance between the guitarist and... his other side.

***

The next day the slightly limping singer left his man to himself. He had some doubt that Jim would be okay on his own. At least he will be busy with Griffin.   
  
And honestly, he couldn't wait to hug the slim blonde boy. Corey always saw a better version of himself in his son. Even though the kid was a perfect mixture of him and his ex-wife. On the outside... Inside Griffin was just as geek and energetic and loved music, and even loved to sing... Just thinking about him made Corey smile from ear to ear.   
  
The house was like he left it. It was clean, though… Probably his grandma let the cleaners in. She will also be coming over to be with the guys. But for now sitting around and waiting in the empty house made Corey wander around the place and his emotions.

***

Meanwhile Jim was trying to find his place in the empty house. Frankly, after they kissed goodbye and the door closed behind Corey, he had to force himself to stop staring at that damn door. It was stupid, he knew. They seemed to be making progress in their relationship. Still his heart sank seeing his love leave him.  
  
With a sigh he shook his head and lit a cigarette. Maybe tinkering in the garage could help. He wasn't in the mood to visit his mom just yet. He wouldn't be a pleasant company.  
  
Damn, he could've killed for a bottle of something strong. But he couldn't. Usually this was the point where he'd chew up another bruise somewhere onto Corey's perfect body before fucking him or letting him fuck the thought out of Jim's head. But now Corey was gone. He was with his family. Griffin needed him. And Corey needed his time with his son and grandma as well. Jim knew that.  
  
But still. He felt lonelier than for a very long time.

***

Of course grams complained how thin Griffin was… And that Corey could use a few pounds on him too. It's all the better. The small man loved to eat good home food and a lot when he couldn't satisfy his other addictions.   
  
Listening to all the stories from school while watching Dr. Who was awesome with his son.   
  
And meanwhile the being at home feeling came back while they were speaking about all the new music they found since the last time... The feeling of home he only felt with Griffin and Jim…

***

Time seemed to slow down even more, making Jim curse and turn grumpy and moody. Tinkering didn't keep him from his darker thoughts for long. As night fell, he found himself trying to focus on some game he was trying to play on his Xbox. Without much success.  
  
His mind kept wandering back to Corey and his deepest worries. Was he really okay with how Jim truly was deep down? Sure, he seemed to love the pain and even asked for more during their "welcome home" session. But... what if in the future Jim goes too far? Would Corey leave him again? Like when Jim pulled out of the threesome in fear of seriously hurting the small man? That was a very fucking difficult time for the guitarist.  
  
Seeing Corey with Paul... well, he didn't mind that because he knew that Paul loved Corey too from the bottom of his heart. But not taking part of that and watching them get closer (and then very up and down) was very fucking hard. Jim remembered how he used to long so damn badly after the redhead. But he was too terrified to get close to him again. So... he let them drift further apart. The results weren't too bright.  
  
Like now – as he paused his game to stuff a slice of pizza into his face – he returned to stress-eating. And then there were the drugs and alcohol. And even darker and twisted lyrics and songs he's never shown to anyone.

***

By the night the feeling of missing Jim got stronger in Corey. More because he was talking about their forming relationship to his grandmother. Griffin was asleep and the only person to fully know him and accept him was his second mom.   
  
"What are your plans, Cor? He was always around and coming back. Did you think about maybe asking him how serious this 'officially together' thing is now? I remember how hurt you were back when he backed away from the two of you… And don't forget your kids. Griffin would need you more around. I see you getting yourself together with Jim. And I'm happy about it. And I don't want you to have any more downfalls, Cor," his granny said with a caring tone as they sat in the kitchen eating some leftover pie.   
  
"I know… I was just thinking about that all day today when I came back here. But for now I should first sort out what I want for me and my kids’ future…" Corey replied thinking.

***

When he realized that trying to watch some movie or catch up with his series didn't work either, Jim retreated into his... their... bedroom in an attempt to catch some sleep for himself. The tiredness from being on the road and all the emotional roller-coasters were catching up with him. And probably his depression was making a comeback too. Either way his body felt like lead and exhausted. Still... after hours of tossing and turning, that damn deep sadness that descended on him continued to keep him up and his mind running a mile a minute.  
  
He kept thinking about Paul, Corey and what he had with his lover now. But the future was still so damn uncertain. Will they make it? Will Corey come back to him? Will he leave? Will they fail? Or will they be happy?  
  
Jim was starting to give himself a headache with all the questions and different scenarios his mind was painting for him. So after a while he grabbed onto one of the memories in which Corey was bleeding for him and he reached under his boxers in an attempt to jerk off to that in hopes of falling asleep afterwards.

***

After a restless sleep, Corey and his little family headed to an activity park to have a fun day out.   
  
Corey really was looking forward to put his mind at ease and only focus on his son and to have fun with him.   
  
His grandma's words wouldn't leave him alone all night and even while driving in the morning. But he has to give the kid what he deserves. He will sort out his messed up emotions later on..

***

"What's on your mind, darling?" Jim's mom asked him as they were sitting in her living room, pretending to be watching the TV, but they both were more interested in smoking the medical marijuana and catching up.  
  
"Corey," Jim mumbled and took a hit from his own roll, keeping the smoke down.  
  
"As always," his mom chuckled shortly. "You together again?"  
  
"Yes..." the guitarist nodded as he exhaled the smoke.  
  
"I could guess. You looked more balanced on stage too. What's the matter then?"  
  
"I'm afraid of myself. And of losing him again. There are stuff I... we have to deal with. Some heavy shit. About Paul's loss... and us. I'm afraid of the future. What it might hold. I want this to work between us. But there are so many ways to fuck up."  
  
"As always, Jimmy. But you both are clever boys. As I understand things have changed around you. And sometimes everyone is afraid of the future. It's natural. Take a leap of faith. You love him, right?"  
  
"More than anyone," he whispered with a bittersweet smile and took another drag, letting the smoke numb his mind a bit more.  
  
"Then jump. Fight for him and what you have. Fight yourself. Your insecurities and doubts. You've been in love for so long and always found your way back to each other. Sounds like you two were meant for each other. It's very rare. Just... try to go with the flow and take things as they come," she patted Jim's tattooed arm.  
  
To that the tall man looked at his mother and smiled, feeling moved to the core from the support and love he'd found. "Thanks mom. It's just what I needed to hear..."  
  
"It's a mom thing, darling!" she giggled. "How's the music writing going?"

***

By the afternoon all Corey could think of was that he was too old and bruised for all the climbing and jumping up and down with the super energetic boy. But at least they had fun.   
  
During the whole ride back home Griffin was talking about song ideas. Mainly based on songs he loved and old horror and Sci-fi movies both the Taylor boys loved to watch. In the older one the feeling of not being able to keep his son back from the spotlight for much longer crept in again. Well… Griff has his personality and it seemed talent to play music and write and the passion to sing too. Time will tell…  
  
But all ideas of the boy brought back Corey's dark thoughts about his lack of muse lately. Damn he really has to sort his shit out to be the best dad this great kid needs.   
  
"Want to show me your ideas on the piano at home? Maybe we can work something out of it," he said when they entered the house. 

With a big smile Griff started to drag his dad to said instrument and adjusting his glasses, like some serious composer, started playing a simple but catchy melody.

***

Back at home Jim woke from a nap all sweaty and disoriented. It was another dark dream his subconscious created to torture him. Of course it was about Jim going too far – again. Rubbing his face and his messy hair out of it, he sighed bitterly.  
  
Lighting up a cigarette he just sat there on the edge of his bed and tried to focus on what his mother had told him. Maybe she was right. It wouldn't be the first time. The woman has been giving him quite a few good advises during his life. Especially since their relationship got on a good term.  
  
They kept talking for quite a while after that first smoke. And Jim was glad that he could confide in at least his mother about his relationship with Corey. She had some good insights and questions and also a few suggestions. Of course Jim didn't tell everything to her, but revealed enough so that she had a vague idea about the problems her son was trying to find answers to.  
  
"Maybe she's right... Might as well try..." he hummed to himself and got up to make a big pot of coffee and order some spicy food, preparing mentally to descend into his darkness and try to write it out. He could already hear the first few lines in his mind...

*** 

Corey had to admit that his son was talented. The ideas were good and the more he helped Griffin to work out the song he had in his mind, the more eased up Corey got with his own feelings towards writing again.   
  
By the time the boy fell asleep, Corey got his guitar in his hands and was sitting in the back room with papers all around him while playing some unsure rhythms.   
  
His grams brought some hot choc, just like old times and patted his grandson's back smiling proudly as Corey got more lost in the music he wanted to hear back from his guitar.

***

Meanwhile in another house and another room a tall man was hunched over his own guitar and stack of papers too, crossing out lines or crumpling up some papers.  
  
"Still not good enough!" he huffed and scratched his head, tossing the pen back on the most recent attempt just to refocus on that stubborn riff haunting him.  
  
" _Bury your head inside this and gather the darkness that binds it... I think I’ll die if you deny me…_ " he mumbled under his nose once he found the right melody and then quickly scribbled down the words onto the paper.  
  
He's been at it for hours and didn't seem to tire as his muse was strong with him. Jim knew that he wasn't going to sleep until he finishes the song he's been writing for Corey – again. Even if dawn finds him awake.

***

The dawn found Corey sleeping on the floor with a blanket over his back and slowly coming around to the loud singing of his son.   
  
He sat up rubbing his face and smiled. He wrote a new song... Well sort of anyway...   
  
Forcing his body to move and stand he sighed knowing it was the last day with his family. But also the night brought new emotions to surface in him. Maybe he knew what he would want for the future after all.   
  
Coffee and some of grams cookies first for sure. And to make Griffin's day happy. And to keep these people who he loved close and safe and happy. He just have to be more brave.   
  
"Ohhhh!!!!! Fruit loops... Gran, you know my oldest addiction," he giggled kissing his son's head then fetching a bowl and serving himself from his favorite cereal. "Griff.. What you say to spending the next weekend with Jim and all three of us write music?" he asked thinking, just be brave..

***

Jim slept in. No wonder there, though. He was up till dawn, as expected. And he also let himself drift in and out of a series of naps, because that way the day was passing faster than sitting somewhere in the house and moping around, wondering if Corey would come back. And if he was going to like the new lyrics and rough music to it. And his other lyrics he'd promised to show to him. If he was still interested in checking them out...  
  
All in all, Jim spent most of the day in bed, not knowing exactly when his man would be free again. He at least hoped that Corey had fun with his family. Jim still had some worries, of course, often thinking that maybe Corey was where he was supposed to be. With his family. Maybe he would be better off with them than someone like Jim.  
  
But then again... Jim could always ask this question once Corey was there and read his lyrics. Maybe he was going to hate them and after the weekend he might have came to the same conclusion. Even if he loved Jim...  
  
"Arghhh! Shut up!" Jim punched his pillow, talking to himself. Again. That was surely the sign of going crazy, no?! He was so fucked up... He just should take a shower and eat a little. Or a lot. Fuck he was missing Corey so badly. And it's been just two fucking days... Still, he felt incomplete without his small redhead... Love could suck so fucking much...

***

By the time Griffin was taken away by Corey's grandmother, the singer's mind was all made up.   
  
He put his backpack on his shoulder and pulling a cigarette out started walking to Jim. Maybe he brings some lunch for them along the way, he thought walking in front of the diner. The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach after all...

After that shower Jim found himself in bed again, wearing just a pair of boxers under the cover into which he cocooned himself in in an effort to nap the rest of the time away until Corey was supposed to return. He found this tactic working so far and he also had some catching up on sleep to do, so... That's what he continued doing.

The house was very quiet. Corey just smiled to himself. His big cat of a man probably decided to nap through the day. He only hoped that Jim was feeling okay.   
  
Also he realized what he was missing all the time... Pets. He surely will suggest that to Jim.   
  
After packing the food onto trays and making fresh coffee, he brought all to the bedroom and made the door swing open and bang on the wall behind not so gently while giggling softly.   
  
“Good morning, sunshine! Guess who brought chili and pork ribs for you...”

The soft snoring stopped abruptly from the loud noise, nearly giving Jim a heart attack as he sat up with some cursing under his nose. But the second he realized who it was – and that there was coffee and food too – he smiled a bit, rubbing an eye.  
  
"Hey..." Jim yawned then eyed Corey coming closer. "You're in a good mood..." he murmured, letting the cover slide off his shoulder to pool around his middle. "You came back..." he added more to himself than to Corey.

"Of course I did," Corey stated putting the stuff down and climbing on the bed, almost up in Jim's lap, kissing the sleepy face. 

"We need pets," he said giggling and straddled Jim after all, hugging his neck and resting his forehead against his man. "How are you? I've missed you… Griffin keeps writing songs. And I made something for you…" he smiled into the hazel eyes.

"Pets?" Jim asked a bit confused with his still sleepy mind, but welcomed the kiss and Corey's closeness. Frankly, he could feel his chest already getting lighter that his man was finally back.  
  
"Missed you too, baby. So much..." he admitted, kissing into Corey's hair as he put his long arms around the small man to keep him close and inhale the beloved scent. "I'm really happy to hear about your son. He's a very talented boy. I'm sure he'll make a name for himself in the buiz someday..." he added then smiled. "What did you make for me?"

"Yeah, he will. I can't keep him back forever…" Corey said moving his head and kissing into Jim's neck with a satisfied moan. "I've made you a song… Well half song, sort of…" he mumbled suddenly feeling anxious about it all. He has to do this… So he took a deep breath and pulled back to face his man. With a little more color on his cheeks he bit his lip before starting it...

"Yeah… I was thinking about a dog… Maybe a cat too. But I know you like dogs. Also, I was thinking about next weekend we could have Griffin here... We all could play some games and music and you two get along great..." Corey said in one breath, trying to focus on his goals. "I was thinking about many things. Mostly us… And how it will be… Or how I want it to be… And… if you also want it… well… we can be together as a couple… Like… for real...? If… if that's not too much for you..."

Jim was utterly speechless and was just staring at Corey with a slightly shocked expression. He didn't know what to address first from the things Corey just said. Also, he could feel his heart... no, his whole being melting from what he believed Corey just asked him... It sounded awfully like a proposal to him…  
  
"I... I wrote a song for you too... about us... and my dark side," he admitted quietly, his mind already running a mile a minute because he didn't dare to believe that Corey meant what Jim understood from his words. So he chose to first address the other things, skirting around the big question.  
  
"I'd love to have a dog around. And a cat is fine too," he continued, his hands never stopping caressing Corey's back. "And Griff can come over any time. I like spending time with him. He's an awesome kid," he said getting redder and redder as addressing only that one topic was left.  
  
"You were thinking a lot about us, indeed..." he whispered, gazing into the hopeful blue eyes. Jim lifted a hand to caress the beloved face. "Nothing would make me happier," he said with a small smile and leaned forward to kiss Corey with all his emotions put into that kiss.

Corey smiled wide and kissed Jim back, moving even closer to the bigger body. He felt the room spinning already and his heart racing. Soon he had to break the love-filled kiss to pant for air.

"You mean it? You say yes to having me, and probably my son in your life from now on as a couple? Geezee Jimmy!" the small man laughed wholeheartedly and light headed. "You have no idea how happy you made me... I love you so much. I want to keep working on this… on us and to... to make him proud… I don't want to drift away from you again… or lose you…"

Chuckling too from seeing Corey so happy, Jim cupped his lover's face in both his hands to look his man deep in the eye. "Of course I mean it. I was so afraid that you'd leave me after the weekend. That you'd realize that you're better off with your family. And now... now you want to practically start a family with me... with Griff and getting pets and going official with us being together..." he sighed happily. "It's more than I could ever wish for, baby. I love you more than I can tell, too. I want this so much. I'm yours. Body, mind, heart and soul..." he said with a surrendering and admiring look in his hazel eyes, a cute blush painting his cheeks.

"You and my son are my family. I lost Paul… But I won't lose you. Not again," Corey replied and kept stroking the long neck. "I can't say it with words either how much I love and want you… I guess I will have to show it," he said getting off Jim's lap and pulled the blanket off him with an approving hungry growl. "Lay back, big kitty… Puppy will make you feel loved…" he winked pulling his Spiderman tee off fast and started to get rid of his jeans too.

Melting to the core made Jim go pliant and obedient much faster and treasure Corey's words as he obeyed and watched his man getting naked. Lying back, Jim's fingers were itching to push down the pair of boxers he had on and which were already starting to tent a bit.  
  
"Yes, sir..." he breathed, eyes darkening as he stretched out his long body for Corey.

Corey licked his lips and pulled the only piece of cloth off his man. Getting up on the bed again and part the long legs to get between them and pull them around his hips, he laid upon Jim and gently caressed the beloved flushed face. "You're so gorgeous... And tall... I want to make sure you know how much I need you in my life…" he whispered onto the plump lips before kissing them with all his wild passion and love for Jim.

If possible, Jim only blushed more from the praising words and practically melted into a puddle from Corey's words, letting him take control over his body and their kiss. He loved to surrender to this man so very much. He was the only one to whom Jim could ever imagine doing this.  
  
"I need you so fucking much too..." he whispered in-between their passionate kisses, tightening the hold of his long thighs around the wide hips, his cock throbbing and jumping against Corey's skin. It was standing proud and hard by then, making Jim shiver with lust and need as he started burning for his man.

The wide hips began gyrating against the hard cock under him. Corey kissed Jim's face and neck all over, giving the latter some teasing bites. But for now his violent needs were overwritten by all the gentle emotions to love his man with everything he got.   
  
Slowly he slid lower on the long body and attacked the nipples one by one to coax some deep grumbling moans out of Jim. He wanted to hear those broken cries and begging so much… 

"You want it, baby? Want me to bury my dick in you?" he asked gasping for air already as he got to the eagerly jumping hard meat and licked along it slowly.

Needless to say, Jim gave Corey those sounds and when his aching cock was finally licked, it jumped under the skilled tongue and Jim's upper-body arched a bit. He stretched out his long arms above his head to take hold of the headboard in fear of touching himself or Corey without permission.  
  
Lightly bucking his hips, thus making his leaking cock rub against Corey's tongue, Jim looked down at his lover with pure lust and need in his now greener eyes. "Yes... Yes, please. I want that perfect cock in me so badly... Please, Corey... take me as you wish. I'm yours... Please, I need it so, so fucking much..."

Who was Corey to deny something that Jim clearly needed so fucking much??? It didn't take long for him to move lower and open his needy man up with his tongue and fingers.   
  
He couldn't wait to feel Jim from inside and make him moan his name again and again. "Give me the lube," he rose up from between the long thighs, panting and so very ready to give his lover what he needed.

Reaching out blindly and already slightly out of breath, his mind really dizzy from the way Corey's been rimming and opening him up, Jim finally fetched the lube from the nightstand and handed it over to Corey.  
  
In his need to help and feel said perfect cock impale him again, he pulled his legs even higher, exposing himself shamelessly to his love. "Please... give it to me... Please..." he whined going crazy from that certain fire only his pair could ignite in him.

"You’ll get it, alright… Hard and good… I can't wait so hold onto the bars," Corey said, his blue eyes almost glowing with wild lust. He slicked up his rock hard and dripping cock good and laid back over Jim to push those legs he is crazy about onto his shoulders and positioned himself to Jim's loosened hole, moving inside with a swift move and a throaty groan.

Jim cried out loud, his knuckles turning white as he squeezed the bars hard. He loved how his "shocked" body turned the slight discomfort into intense pleasure within seconds, making his hips buck back against that wonderful, wonderful cock. It was stretching him and made him physically connect to Corey so perfectly that he wanted to cry.  
  
But instead he moaned again, meeting Corey's amazing thrusts half-way as he looked up at his concentrating lover. "Love you in me so much... Fuck me... take me..."

"Anything if you ask this nicely…" Corey moaned as he circled his hips and slowly moved deeper into the insanely tight pulsing hotness, moaning and gripping into Jim's thighs more.   
  
"I love you... Touch me... Come here, so I can kiss you..." he looked up at Jim with desire and love, starting to give his man slow but deeper and harder thrusts.

Jim gave him a half-smile that turned into another long moan as he could feel Corey move deeper into him. He could barely comprehend what he was saying, but after a moment or two, Jim pushed himself up onto one arm, the other going behind Corey's nape to hold onto him. Gasping from the deeper and harder thrusts, he closed his eyes for a moment before looking into Corey's from close. "You're so perfect... I'm yours..." he panted onto his man's lips and offered his for the taking, feeling his hard dick ooze more pre-cum.

Corey just kissed Jim deep while his hips bucked forward harder. Hitting Jim's prostate with every move, biting the plump bottom lip hard before moving to suck and bite the neck of his man too.   
  
Soon they were just two fired up beasts huffing and groaning as they were chased their release desperately.

It was so perfect. Corey was so perfect... That was the only word repeating on Jim's mind as they were moving together, moaning, panting and tasting each other as they were climbing higher and higher until only falling fast and hard was left for the lovers. And that's exactly what they did, crying out in ecstasy as they rode out the blinding waves of their shared orgasm, leaving them tangled in each other.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

  _"I’ve known you all along...”_

  
It was all fun and love and happiness. For a day or two... 

The big decision of moving together and living as one family and all the mushy romantic shit they just had deep inside sounded lovely. Deep, deep down buried under many layers of raw animalistic obsessed passion...   
  
The devil in the details, as always. And after the first happy cloud started to ebb down and let Corey think rational again, his blonde eyebrows furrowed more in the early rays of the rising sun.   
  
He was thinking over what should be done, all the people they have to tell and how to make them two get into one household… Plus Angel and Griffin were there too to deal with…   
  
He didn't even realize while sitting on the back small terrace that he smoked the sixth cigarette in a row in the short amount of half an hour...

Jim woke up from his sleep alone in their bed. Okay, it was more like a nap, because he woke up earlier too. He liked to nap whenever he felt like it and had time for it. Corey often teased him being his big kitten. Jim liked that too. But he liked to wake up with his love on his side – or often half-way under him in Jim's bear-hug – even more.  
  
Once he got himself together enough for his brain to start working, it flooded his mind with thoughts. Mostly happy ones. He finally dared to believe that this might actually work on the long-run. Being and living with Corey. It was a huge, huge step in their relationship and the last few days were nearly too good to be true. At times Jim's insecurities made him wait for the other shoe to drop. But for now all seemed to be okay.  
  
Right until he went to the kitchen to make some fresh coffee for both of them. He saw Corey sitting on the terrace, smoking. Jim didn't need to fully see his face, he could tell that he was deep in thought and the pace with which he was smoking cigarette after cigarette was telltale too.  
  
Needless to say, the big man's spirit started quickly dropping as self-doubt tried to stomp on his until then good mood. What if...?  
  
Cutting that thought off, he poured coffee for both of them, taking a big mug for Corey outside. As Jim handed it over to him and glimpsed at Corey's furrowed brows, his heart sank even more.  
  
"Morning, love," he said quietly and sat down next to the smaller man, lighting up a cigarette for himself and taking a deep drag before exhaling and taking a sip from his coffee.

"Morning, babe," Corey said with a small smile taking the mug. "Thanks. I need this…" he added taking a long sip from his coffee. "I’ve been up from a while…" the small man sighed trying to put all the racing thoughts into words. And be careful with it too, so he wouldn't make Jim misunderstand what he wanted to say…  
  
"I was thinking a lot about this getting together and moving in thing…" he started.

Hearing that Jim pressed his lips together and tried to rein in his emotions and mind that wanted to panic. By then it was hard to keep his cool, because he had opened up himself too much for Corey. He was the only person who knew and understood Jim to such depths and thinking that now he had so very fucking much to lose made him feel vulnerable and exposed. Maybe that other shoe would drop now... But whatever happens, what counts for Jim is Corey. However he wants things, they will happen that way.  
  
He made a promise to Paul.  
  
He kept repeating that in his head as he looked at his man with an aching heart and a bit sad eyes. "And... you're having second thoughts?" he whispered. "It's perfectly fine though. I'll understand if you do," he added even quieter and swallowed hard, searching Corey's familiar and beloved face.

"What? No… Fuck…" Corey turned shocked to Jim and flicked the butt of the cigarette away, cursing some more.   
  
"No, babe... I'm sorry I made you think that. I was just thinking how we should move in and tell everyone… Things like that…" he said quickly and moved closer to his man. He was such a fool… Of course Jim would overthink it. He has to be clearer with his words. Things were still forming between them…  
  
"I love you... I always wanted you, remember?" he smiled and kissed the face of his pair.

Sighing raggedly, Jim visibly relaxed and nodded with a small smile. "Yes... I remember. I also remember how I didn't dare to go into a gay relationship in the past. That has changed though. I want this so badly with you," Jim said, leaning into his man. "I'm sorry. I don't want to lose you ever again," he murmured.  
  
Yes, he still felt a bit guilty for backing out of things like that years ago. He knew how much it must have hurt the singer who was ready to take that step, but Jim wasn't. For a moment he thought that this time Corey felt like that. Apparently, he was wrong and it made him feel relieved.  
  
"So... what conclusion did you reach about us and the moving in then?" he asked while finishing his cig too then he put an arm around Corey's shoulders to keep him close.

"I need you to help me keep the remains of my sanity… I need you to feel alive and not that much of a freak… So I don't want to lose you ever again either, Jimmy…" Corey sighed leaning against the bigger body, already feeling his mind more relaxed from the closeness of his man.   
  
"Not much conclusions… More like listing what needs to be done. There are the houses… And my kids… The guys from the bands and my ex-wife… We have to organize this all together somehow... Want to go inside and try to eat something?" he asked moving to stand up and pull Jim up with him.

"Okay. I can do that as long as you accept me the way I am," Jim kissed Corey's forehead after they stood up and he took the much smaller hand in his, lacing their fingers together. It still amazed Jim how such a small touch and gesture could make his heart race and warmth fill his chest.  
  
"We'll figure everything out, Corey. We take one step at a time. First step would be some nice breakfast and maybe ease our minds with some jamming. My fingers are itching to play," he chuckled a bit more awake and calmer – or naughtier?

"Hmm... I bet… You still have to show me those songs, though. I will show you what I put together too after we ate," the singer replied having some ideas about to what use he could put those long fingers to beside running on the fret board…   
  
The being at home feeling got stronger again just by having Jim around him, telling his fucking lame jokes while Corey made some food for them.   
  
He would never change his mind over Jim and being with him and living their life as a couple. He couldn’t give space to his darker thoughts. Still... The feeling of another big man being around him started to creep on him stronger again…

During breakfast Jim eased up some more and babbled and joked around about everything and anything both to put their minds off the always lurking darkness and to entertain Corey.  
  
Once among the instruments, Jim started chewing on his lips as he took out a folder from a drawer and sat down next to Corey, picking up his plugged in guitar from the ground. He was a bit nervous, not knowing if the small man would like the songs Jim's been writing for years. But first he wanted to show him his most recent work.  
  
"Okay... so this is still raw and this is the one I put together while you were away spending time with Griff and you grams. It's called... well, [Sadist](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVo2NtTVUGM)..." he chuckled a bit nervously as he handed the paper to Corey to read the lyrics as he started playing and singing the song on his guitar, looking up from the strings to Corey's face in turns to see his reactions.

The title, of course was perfect and it left Corey smile wide. Listening to Jim's open thoughts in the song moved the singer deeply. It was amazing and honest and perfect.   
  
"I don't know why you always say you can't write songs… It's amazing, Jimmy…" Corey said moved to his very core. Also from Jim's voice. He never got to know why the big man stopped to be okay with backing vocals, but Jim always sang with the others and Corey always got blown away by the emotion-filled singing voice of his love.   
  
"I'll show you what I wrote. It's funny because while you played I had the feeling that we wrote the different parts of the same song," he chuckled a bit taking the guitar from Jim, stealing a short kiss along the way and started playing too.

Needless to say, Jim was blushing hard from the compliments and his heart leaped hearing that Corey thought the song was amazing. "Thanks," he mumbled and cleared his throat, looking curiously at his man after that soft kiss.  
  
He loved watching Corey with a guitar. Two of Jim's passions in one picture. Not to mention that he loved Corey's style – let it be playing some instrument, singing or writing lyrics or music.  
  
The more Corey played and sang on his awesome voice, the more moved Jim got too. He could feel that Corey meant every damn word that left his mouth. It was so beautiful how the two parts complimented each other and fit together. They would need only a little work to finish the song. Also, Jim might or might not have blinked a couple of tears back.  
  
"I think it's going to be a great song of ours..." he looked at Corey with deep love in his hazel eyes. "Maybe... we could change up a bit the bridge here..." he pointed at said verse.

"Yeah… Good idea," Corey said and already started playing a different riff, a little bit in between the two songs. 

"I'm glad we write again, Jim. I think… I think he likes this too… Can you feel him too?" Corey asked quietly. He just couldn't shake the feeling that Paul was around them and watching, listening and approving their song and relationship. 

Ever since they opened up more and got closer without hiding their true self and feelings, his soul found more peace with it. He kept seeing and feeling Paul around but felt his love more than his anger. Maybe that anger was not Paul's in the first place, but Corey's own anger with himself...

Jim was easing up even more too as they were fucking finally writing together again. If he wanted to be completely honest with himself, it was one of his most favorite things in his life.  
  
Closing his eyes, he quietly hummed along to the new blend of their riffs then looked at Corey from the unsure question. He knew right away whom the redhead meant.  
  
"I think I can feel him a bit too," he smiled reassuringly at his man. "I'm sure he's happy about this. About us..." he stroked Corey's shoulder.

"Yeah... Can we… go visit him, please?" that was Corey's next unsure question. The emotions suddenly hit him hard and he just had to make sure Paul agrees.

Searching Corey's face for a moment, Jim saw all those emotions on him. Wanting to give him anything that would help him feel better and make peace with the Paul situation and them together, he nodded with another small smile.  
  
"Of course, baby. Let's go, visit him," he stood and took his guitar from Corey before helping him up. "Let me grab my keys and wallet then we can go," he said leaning down to press a soft kiss onto his man's mouth.

  
***

He knew the road to the cemetery by heart and didn't mind the silence in the car while he was driving them there.

As they got closer, the darkness emerged around Corey's heart more and more. He didn't even notice when he started chewing his nails one by one with precision, going over his whole hand absently and somewhat numb.   
  
He still felt guilty and responsible for the death of their friend and lover. And he knew that those feelings would never fully leave… But with the starting of a new life with Jim he found a new propose to channel all that. His man was with him. And he probably clung to Jim a bit stronger and closer than necessary as they walked to the grave.   
  
For a few seconds he just stood there and stared at the carved smiling image of Paul on the plate. It all felt so long ago yet so vividly painful at the same time…  
  
Kneeling down he swallowed back his tears and slowly caressed the grave plate's image. "I'm so sorry piggy…" he whispered hoarsely.

Of course Jim gave Corey the support the short man so clearly needed as they walked to Paul's grave. His own heart got heavier too. He missed the other big man dearly as well and knew that it wasn't going to ever change.  
  
Staying in silence after murmuring a "hi" to Paul, he lifted his gaze from the plate to Corey's form, staying a step behind as the silent support he's been countless of times during all these long years.

"I will always love you… And will do anything to make the world know that. And how great you are. I swear. I will make you proud…" Corey whispered as his tears rolled down on his face.   
  
He has to make it up for Paul. He couldn't think of any other way to honor his late lover.   
  
Looking up at Jim, Corey reached out with a hand for his present lover, the one who has always been there for him. "I will try my hardest to make you happy, Jim. I swear to you too. I don't want to lose you…"

With a quiet sigh and a serious but soft look, Jim took Corey's hand and stepped right next to his man, putting his arm around his shoulder, the other caressing the stubbly face as he wiped off a few teardrops.  
  
"We'll make Paul proud together," he murmured softly. "You already make me very happy, love and you'll never lose me. I'll keep you safe and love you as much as I can. I promised that to Paul as well and I promise that to you too. I love you both."

Corey just nodded as crying took over his shaking body. He felt some kind of a relief as he put these new goals ahead of himself.   
  
He will have to do everything as Paul wanted. With making music and make Slipknot a band that will always be remembered. And Corey will do anything he can to make Paul be remembered as well.   
  
Even so, the ride back home was the same as to the cemetery. By the time they stepped into the house again, Corey's stubbly chin and a few of his fingers were messed up with his own blood.

Jim put a big and supporting hand on Corey's shoulder and led him into their bathroom. He guided his man to the sink and began washing his bloody hands and chin with deep care in his eyes. He even tended the badly chewed up fingernails one by one, radiating nothing but calmness and love towards Corey.  
  
Once he was finished, he led him to their unmade bed and stopped Corey in front of it, starting to undress them both without a word. Once they both were naked, Jim leaned down to kiss the smaller man, taking him into his tattooed arms to make him feel protected and loved. He knew what Corey needed.

In turn Corey started to chew on his bottom lip and mumbled many 'sorry' utterly embarrassed while Jim was treating his fingers.   
  
He should be stronger than that if he wants to be there for Jim…  
  
Only the deep love-filled kiss eased up his tense body as he was holding onto Jim's naked body like for dear life…

"It's okay, baby. I'm here for you. I love you, remember?" he said in between soft kisses then slowly backed Corey to the bed, lying him down with care. He remembered how his redhead kept taking care of his messed up self and fingers during their tour. It was the least that Jim would do the same to the only man he loved more than his own life.  
  
"Tell me, Corey..." he broke their deep kiss to stroke the flushed cheek and look into the blue eyes. "How do you want me to love you now?" he asked on a soft tone.

Corey swallowed hard looking back into the hazel orbs and hugged Jim closer.   
  
"Just love me as you want to… I just want to feel you… Feel you loving me…" he whispered feeling small and a mess. How come such an amazing incredible man loves him? And Paul? He was always so worthless and useless and Paul loved him too. It was something he thought no one would give him after feeling rejected by Jim. But even Jim came back all the time… "I don't deserve any of you..." Corey whispered leaning his face more into the caressing hand, closing his eyes to keep his moved tears back.

"But you do. I'll tell you this every time you doubt yourself. I could say I don't deserve someone like you either, but I believe that things happen with a reason. We found our way back to each other. Again. And this time it'll last. I'll love you for who you are and what you give me. You love me like no one else ever did. You accept me like no one else," Jim murmured softly while planting sweet kisses all over Corey's face as he gently pushed the singer's legs apart to be able to more or less lay on top of the much shorter body.  
  
"And we'll start a new life together. We belong together. I dare to believe that now. You are my everything... and I'll make love to you now to show you how deeply I love you," Jim whispered at the end, kissing into Corey's thick neck, inhaling that beloved scent as he began bucking his very interested cock against his man.

The singer didn't dare trying to speak, as he was afraid his emotions would get over him. He was moved and grateful for Jim's words and just caressed the head and nape of his pair.   
His thighs opened more and his hips bucked back against to feel the hardening flesh against his own.

True to his words, Jim began worshiping the pale (and here and there flushed) skin of the redhead all over with his kisses, licks and gentle nipping. Soon his plump lips closed around that perfect leaking cock to suck it slowly, his lubed up fingers playing with the tight hole Jim couldn't wait to get inside once again.  
  
He took his time, wanting to make sure Corey felt his love in every way possible. Jim had no idea what he'd do without this man. Or how he could live without Corey ever again.

Corey indeed felt all the gentle feelings Jim wanted to share with him. So strongly that all the usual hunger for pain and roughness was nowhere. He enjoyed the loving care his big man treated him with and only soft moans of pleasure left his lips. 

His arousal was growing slower but steadily with the tender touches. The feeling of those amazing fingers making his hips come alive and push against them, wanting more. "Please Jimmy… Give me more… You feel so good. Always… Please…" he whispered starting to get dizzy with lust.

That's what the big man was waiting for. Kissing and nipping along the inside of a muscular thigh he licked along Corey's balls and flushed shaft once more while pulling his fingers out.   
  
Quickly slicking himself up, he was soon watching Corey's reactions as he began sliding steadily into his love, his lips finding the other man's for a deep sensual kiss while Jim was circling his hips.  
  
With soft grumbling moans he began rolling his hips, keeping the steady and deep rhythm. It was nearly hypnotizing for both. Like getting into a trance, letting their love flow freely between them to enjoy it to the fullest.

Corey kissed Jim back like a drowning man that can be kept alive only by that deep love-filled kiss they shared. 

Picking up Jim's pace, his hips moved in sync while holding onto the bigger body covering his own. Feeling belonged and wanted by his man, even loved and be worth of loving as their passion got higher.

"You're so perfect for me, Corey... Love you so much," Jim panted onto his lips as he began quickening the pace of his thrusts, knowing that he has found the perfect angle to stimulate the pleasure spots deep in his man. "You're the love of my life. I'm so happy with you," he whispered, caressing Corey's flushed cheek with adoration and pure love in his moves and eyes.  
  
"Whenever you're ready..." he added, loving the way as that perfect ass and thighs tightened around him even more. He didn't mind the slickness of their skin as sweat was forming on their bodies, which were moving in perfect sync.

From all the stimulation Corey could only moan deeply as a reply of some sort. The burning for joining his pair in their orgasm was slowly and maddeningly and just beautifully climbing up on his nerves.   
  
He was melted into a moaning sweaty puddle under Jim, feeling the wave of electric shock-like joy wash over him more and more with each one of those hard thrusts. Making his pleasure rise higher till he reached his peek and fell into the blinding bliss, pulling his man with him with his cramping body and burning soul to become one once again.

Jim couldn't stop kissing Corey once they were fighting for air after their intense orgasm. His plump lips found not just the soft ones but Corey's face, neck and shoulders too.  
  
"I love you. I need you," he murmured hiding into the thick neck, moved to the core, his long arms wrapping around the short sweaty singer.

It was mushy and full of pink fluff and gentle romance and perfect.  Jim made Corey not just accepted but let himself enjoy being loved and worshiped by the big man.   
  
"I love you so much, baby. Thank you. I need you more than you will ever know," he whispered moved deeply and was just enjoying the peace and safely of the big arms around him for a little while longer.

***

It seemed fate or luck or the universe was on their side, because soon Corey's worries about the house question was solved when one of Jim's friends let him know about an offer down in Florida. There was a ranch on sale through an auction. Jim fell in love with it the first time he saw the pictures of the ranch and the forest that belonged to it.  
  
After some serious discussion with Corey, he decided to buy it and sell his current house in Des Moines, practically moving in with Corey, who made room for Jim in his house.  
  
Of course all this happened after talking to Corey's kids and their family members, going public with the 'being together and starting a life together' thing. In general no one was bothered by it, which made the couple relax some more.

Probably everyone was thinking 'Fucking finally!!!' in the singer's opinion.   
  
Honestly everyone knew about them. So his ex-wife only rolled her eyes at Corey saying that she was scared he was going to tell him something new about Griffin.   
  
They convinced Jim's mother to move down to the ranch as it would treat her health better being in a more humid and warm place.   
  
And really... Corey's house got a room for the kids and a soundproof room to jam, or be naughty too. It was good that way and Corey felt happy seeing everything finally falling into place.

Living with Corey wasn't such a new thing for Jim. After all they've been doing that for years on tour and sometimes crashing at the other's place off-tour too. But still, once Jim officially moved out of his house, it was still completely different. It was a commitment from both sides and he was so very happy that those who counted accepted their love and decision. Maybe one day they could even marry somehow. But that was just a well-hidden little fantasy of Jim – for now.  
  
Soon after Jim let Corey's... or rather their house swallow up the few shit he owned and wanted to keep, his love brought home a four-legged gift for Jim. It was a husky female puppy, whom Jim named Roxy. Needless to say, Griffin was probably just as smitten with the energetic girl as Jim.

Of course with Roxy a cat and a very jumpy little fox terrier mix came too. She was all over Corey and demanded to be always close to the singer.   
  
The jokes came too with the 'wifey' having a lapdog… How cute. But they didn't mind. Especially as more and more song ideas started to come and they could enjoy working together or making music once again.

Which was a really good and healing thing for both. Not to mention that it only deepened their connection. They still had a little more than a week before they had to hit the road again, and decided to go down to the ranch to help Jim's mom settle in. Not just the boys but Griffin too was excited about the family trip, because he was going to be able to spend more time with his dad, Jim and the new pets.  
  
Also, it was nice for the pair to get out of Des Moines for a while and focus on building and settling into their new life.  
  
"They love it here," Jim smiled taking Corey's hand as they were walking among the trees, Griff and the dogs running and playing a bit ahead of him. "Mom likes it too. Are you happy?" he looked down at his man, with some worry, because that's all Jim wanted to make Corey. Happy and better.

Having that little bit of forest as their own was amazing. And even the house was in a good shape. Corey knew Jim's more hippie side would enjoy it fully, and he loved the outdoors too. Especially seeing his son so happy with the dogs, running around freely.   
  
"Yeah… I'm very happy with you here. From the forest it feels like we are really hidden away. Are you happy, baby?" he asked back as he turned to hug Jim by the small riverbed while the puppies made friends with the water.

"I love this sense of privacy too. As well as being close to nature. Mom loves that the most in this place too," Jim nodded then hugged his short man tighter. "Yes, I'm very happy. We've been through a lot of shit to get here. We totz deserve it," he giggled and leaned down to seal that statement with a kiss.  
  
Although they both knew that they were far from healed and maybe they will never fully get over things, at least they were on the right path. It was going to be rocky at times, but Jim had hope that they would find the strength in each other to carry on with their lives and make Paul proud, like they promised.

  
**THE END**

 


End file.
